


Counting to Fifteen

by secondstar



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Assisted Suicide, Canonical Child Abuse, Closeted Character, Drug Addiction, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, First Time, Forced Suicide, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Manipulation, Panic Attacks, Pre-Canon, Underage Prostitution, Underage Sex, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-09
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-08-30 02:40:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 48,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8515384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/secondstar/pseuds/secondstar
Summary: For as long as Philip could remember, he'd always been alone in one way or another.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Oh, boy, do I have some NOTES to go with this one. 
> 
> First off, the title comes from Troye Sivan's Heaven. Last week at the concert he told the back story to the use of the lyric in the song, which was that when he was still in the closet and when being gay became too overwhelming he would count to fifteen with his eyes closed and him telling that story resonated with me, hence the title choice for this fic. 
> 
> Second, please heed the tags. Note that I also check marked "choose not to archive warnings" because TBH, this fic comes with a lot of warnings. Most are only implied/referenced but if any of the above tags even remotely triggers you, this fic is not for you. 
> 
> Thirdly, Tyler Young himself stated in an interview that his personal headcanon was that Philip had, in some way or another, in the past, sold sex for either money or trade of goods in order to help get by with his mother. That's what spawned this fic. Yes, he is underage, just like in canon. Those scenes are heavily implied, but not specific. If you want more information before reading, please contact me on tumblr @philipshea! 
> 
> Fourthly, this is my 2016 NANOWRIMO, so expect updates every four or five days (give or take), because of how fast nano is written! 
> 
> thank you for my betas, as always, lauren, bk, and beth. you guys have followed me from fandom to fandom and i am forever grateful! and thank you to charlie and andi for cheerleading and being excited for me to write philkas!
> 
> again, you can find me @philipshea on tumblr for any questions, or to follow for any eyewitness needs/love.

Philip sat, counting his quarters silently, his lips moving as he made piles to signify dollars. His shoulders sagged as there weren’t nearly as much as he’d hoped there would be, considering he spent hours walking the streets, picking up any money that he could find. He sighed in frustration, biting his lip as he stared down at the meager amount he’d amassed in his afternoon. He’d forgone school, again, in case his mom needed him. At this point he was pretty sure she would always need him, but with a dreary, far off look she told him that she didn’t. 

 

His stomach rumbled as he clutched it, his face in a grimace. He hadn’t eaten in what felt like days, but he recalled he’d had the rest of a bag of chips the day before. His mom had gone without food longer, preferring to satiate her needs with a needle. Philip closed his eyes, trying to center himself. Beside him, he had a bag of laundry. He wanted to wash his clothes, they desperately needed it, but his stomach pained him with how hungry he was. Carefully, Philip gathered his coins that he’d spread out on the table, shoveling them into his jeans pocket. 

 

Across the street was a McDonald’s, which made his mouth water as he picked up his laundry bag, which also happened to be his pillow case. He bought two dollar menu burgers, because he didn’t have enough for three because of tax, and ate one immediately, inhaling it almost in one bite. He kept the second, bringing it home for his mom. 

 

The door was unlocked because the latch was broken; one of his mother’s exes had broken it months prior when he’d been angry. He hadn’t the extra money to fix it, so Philip didn’t think twice about the fact that the door was ajar when he came home. Inside, his mother wasn’t alone, though she looked to be passed out. 

 

Beside her on the couch was a man. He had a sallow look about him, his cheeks sunken in and face withered. Philip didn’t react, his face set impassively as the man looked him over, lifting an eyebrow at him. Philip pretended he wasn’t there, despite the fact that their eyes followed Philip as he walked across the room towards his mother. 

 

“Mom,” Philip whispered as he crouched down in front of her. She didn’t answer. 

 

“What are you doing?” The man beside her asked. Philip ignored him, his eyes trailing to the needle in his hand. Philip knew better than to call attention to it, so he didn’t. 

 

“She’s got to eat,” Philip said, mostly to himself. He put the burger on her leg as he cupped her face. “Mom,” he tried again. “I brought you food.” His mom’s eyes opened, her lips quirking upwards in a half smile that barely registered. Her eyes were distant, she wasn’t really here. He unwrapped the burger, putting it in her hands. “Please,” he pleaded.

 

“Give me that,” the man said, reaching for the burger. Philip pushed at him as his stomach growled again. “Don’t try me, boy.” 

 

“It’s for her, not you,” Philip sneered, unable to help himself. He wasn’t about to let someone else take what he’d given her. Next thing Philip knew, he was on the ground, curled up as the man stood over him. He’d been knocked over, but not hurt. He’d reacted, pulling himself inward, protecting his head before he was kicked. 

 

Above him, nothing happened. When Philip looked up, the burger was in the man’s hand, half eaten. Tears welled up in Philip’s eyes. 

 

“It was for her,” he said, barely above a whisper. 

 

He’d been twelve. 

 

-

 

“Philip,” Helen said, her eyebrows lifted as she leaned forward to get his attention. Philip breathed in, his eyes blinking as he stopped daydreaming. In front of them were three full meals from McDonald’s, brought to the sheriff’s station by Gabe for Friday night dinner as a treat. Philip hadn’t touched his yet. “Did you want something else?” 

Gabe held up a mini ketchup packet, as if that had been what was keeping Philip from eating it. Philip took the ketchup packet without a word as he shook his head to Helen’s question. 

 

“No, this is great, thank you,” he said as he squirted the ketchup onto his quarter pounder sandwich. It wasn’t even a dollar menu burger, but the real deal. Philip bit into it, his eyes closing as he held back memories. “I haven’t had this in a long time,” he told her, his voice sounding normal, surprisingly. He was good at making his voice sound like nothing was wrong. He took a drink of his soda, then ate a fry like it wasn’t a big deal. 

 

He’d been in their care for a week, and all he could do was think about his mom, how she was doing without him. He wanted to call her, but the judge wouldn’t let him. He ate another fry. 

 

“What is your favorite food?” Gabe asked Philip, like he’d have one. Philip looked between them, shrugging once as he ate another fry so he wouldn’t have to answer. He wanted to say: food. Food was his favorite kind of food, but that would only make his mother sound worse to them. He needed to show them, somehow, that his mother wasn’t just a junkie. She loved him, and he loved her. Sometimes, that was all he had, just knowing that one thing. 

 

“I like--” he had to think about it. He smiled. “Tootsie Rolls.” 

 

Helen looked at him like he was daft, while Gabe smiled warmly. 

 

“That’s not really a food, is it?” Helen asked in jest. Philip looked down at his hands, which were in his lap. He hadn’t taken another bite of his burger, yet. 

 

Gabe laughed at Helen, but made sure that Philip knew that it wasn’t at him, not really. Philip made sure to smile, though he didn’t think it was funny. 

 

“To me it is,” he said in a non answer. Tootsie Rolls reminded him of his mom, **before**. “They’re my favorite.” 

 

“Well,” Gabe said as he pat Philip on the shoulder, “how about you and I head to the store after this and get a bag?” Philip shrugged his shoulder, ripping part of his burger apart, then eating that bite. He didn’t know why he did it, but he repeated the movement. “Only if you want some.” 

 

Philip swallowed his bite, unable to look at either of them. He liked Gabe, and Helen was nice enough to him but he felt as though this all would be ripped from him within the blink of an eye. In a way, he wanted it to be. He wanted to go home, he wanted the city and his mom. He looked at the food in front of him, then to Gabe and Helen before taking a big bite of his burger. 

 

What he didn’t want was to ever go hungry again. 

 

-

 

“Are you sure that you don’t need anything else?” Helen asked. They were at Walmart, which was the biggest store within an hour and a half. Philip looked at the cart: it was full of stuff for him. It had socks, underwear, jeans, shirts, shaving cream, a toothbrush, and even dental floss. Philip brushed his tongue across his teeth. He didn’t think he’d ever really used it. 

 

“Whatever you want to get me,” Philip said. “I can--” he thought for a moment, before he continued his sentence. “I can do more chores, or something.” He had his hands stuffed in his pockets. They’d picked him up the day before from the foster home, and all he’d had on him was what could fit in his tattered old backpack. He looked in the cart, his eyes catching on a new one. He frowned. His mom had bought his, and when it was new, it’d been his favorite color. The one in the cart was a blue, a bright cobalt color. 

 

“Sure, if you want,” Helen said, the look on her face telling Philip that he’d said something wrong. “But we all share the chores in our house.”

 

“Yeah, that’s right,” Gabe said, walking up with a few other cleaning supplies for the house, along with a set of sheets and a few towels. “Helen won’t let me off of dishes duty that easy.” 

 

Philip supposed it was a joke, so he smiled. 

 

“Can I get a different backpack?” He asked, his hand on the cobalt one. Helen looked at it, then at him. 

 

“If you want,” she said like it didn’t matter. Philip felt like it did. He picked it up, then started walking back to where she’d picked it out for him. He stood there, staring at all his choices as he took his phone out, his hand shaking. He had texts waiting for him. His stomach sank, his breathing quickened. 

 

“Hey, Philip--” 

 

Philip jumped, his eyes wide. He hadn’t noticed that Gabe had approached him. 

 

“Everything okay?” Gabe asked, concerned. Philip nodded his head, pocketing his phone, then grabbing a random bag, something more neutral toned. 

 

“Yeah,” Philip said, carding his fingers through his hair, shrugging. “Everything’s great. I just didn’t want something so bright, you know?” 

 

“Not a fan of bright blue?” Gabe asked as he put his hand on Philip’s back, guiding him back to the cart. 

 

“Not really,” Philip mumbled, trying not to think about Gabe’s hand on him. Before yesterday, he couldn’t remember being touched so casually, with no connotation behind it. 

 

“Does that mean you want a different toothbrush as well? I think yours is blue.”

 

“The toothbrush can stay,” Philip said, allowing himself a short laugh. “I don’t care about my toothbrush color.” 

 

-

 

“Twenty,” Philip said as he leaned closer, one eyebrow lifted. 

 

“That all?” The man asked him as he opened his wallet, showing Philip he had more to offer. Philip shrugged, confident in himself. He thought of the hole in his jeans, how one of his shoes’ soles had been worn through to the bottom; how his mom needed money. “What about a hundred for--”

 

“A hundred for you to touch me,” he said, setting the terms. “Twenty was only for me to blow you.” 

 

“Deal,” the man said. Philip grinned, his hand reaching for the proffered money. He always got the cash before getting into the car. He counted them, twenty, forty, sixty, eighty, one hundred, before opening the passenger side door and getting in. He didn’t bother putting a seatbelt on. 

 

-

 

The first time Philip was taken away from his mom, he cried. He cried because she stood there, in front of their apartment, and couldn’t look at him as he was carried away. His memories afterwards, about the family that took him in, and the social worker that took him, were barely there, but he would always remember calling out for his mom, his hand reaching out for her. All he had with him was his blanket, then, as he clutched it tight when he realized his mom wasn’t going to help him. 

 

The second time, he’d gotten to hug her goodbye. 

 

“I’ll be back,” he promised her. This time, she had tears in her eyes. “You need this more than me,” he said, giving her his blanket before the social worker took his hand and led him to the car. 

 

The third, it was his mom who made promises. 

 

“I’ll get better this time,” she’d told him. She told the judge, because she was out of chances. Philip wasn’t sure if she loved him enough, or if it was even love that could even help his mom at this point. All he knew was that he’d failed her. He’d failed her because he wasn’t enough, couldn’t take care of her, he couldn’t keep her clean on his own. 

 

Looking back on it, he thought he could save her by giving her his blanket, by handing over what was dearest to him, that it would somehow make her stronger. In the end, it only made him miss her more. 

 

Now, Philip looked at his phone with missed calls and texts from former Johns, regulars who wanted more from him than he was willing to give them, but he’d teased and asked for more money for blow jobs and a chance for them to do the same for him. He’d done all he could to get her the money she needed for rent, for food for them, even for drugs. 

 

He stared down at the phone, slowly deleting message after message, blocking the numbers that he no longer needed. 

 

“No more,” Philip said to himself. He sighed, biting his bottom lip as he finished. 

 

“No more what?” Gabe asked at the door. Philip jolted, dropping his phone as he looked over at his foster father. “Sorry to scare you, I did knock though.” 

 

“Oh,” Philp said, giving him a smile. “I didn’t hear you.” 

 

“What were you--”

 

“Do you want to--”

 

They both went silent, Philip because he’d cut off Gabe’s question that he didn’t want to lie about, and Gabe probably because he wanted to hear what Philip wanted to do. He’d been in Tivoli for weeks and he felt so, so alone. He didn’t belong here, in the country. He belonged in the city, he belonged with his mom. Philip grasped his phone tight, swallowing back the bad taste in his mouth that came along with the memories he’d pushed down as he deleted and blocked his life in the city away. He didn’t have friends, he had frequent rides around the block. 

 

Here, in Tivoli, a trip around the block meant fresh air, going to the post office, bringing Helen dinner, or renting a movie. 

 

“Do I want to what?” Gabe asked, prompting Philip. 

 

“Do you want to... have you ever made pancakes?” Philip asked, because it was the first thing that came to his mind. Gabe smiled at him, like he always did, like Philip was something to smile about. 

 

“Yeah, I’ve made pancakes. Have you?” 

 

“No,” Philip said with a laugh, rather self-deprecating. Instead of laughing with him, Gabe crossed his arms, tilting his head as he assessed the information. Philip sighed as he stood up. He evaded the question about his phone, but made his mom look like she wasn’t a good one in Gabe’s eyes once more. 

 

“I was more of an Eggo kid,” Philip confessed. 

 

“Ah, a waffle man. Well, we do have a waffle maker somewhere around here.” Philip lifted an eyebrow. 

 

“You can make waffles,” he stated. “From scratch.” 

 

“You bet your ass I can,” he laughed. Philip couldn’t help but relax, the tension in the room easing. “How about we do breakfast for dinner? Surprise Helen with waffles.” 

 

“The kind with whipped cream?” Phlip asked hopefully. “Like in the movies.” 

 

“Like in the movies,” Gabe said, waving Philip to come join him in the search for the waffle maker. 

 

-

 

Philip sat, alone, on the floor with his blanket in his lap, watching Sesame Street, his body bobbing along to the Count as he sang about counting numbers. In his hands he held an Eggo waffle, half eaten as he half chewed, half sang along to the song. He’d woken up to an empty house, but didn’t think much about it because he had Eggos to eat, and Sesame Street to watch, even if it was a little fuzzy on the screen. 

 

-

 

Philip sat, watching a boy on his motorbike ride around, doing tricks. He smiled to himself from under the tree he rested against, enjoying the screams of joy coming from the driver when something went especially well. Philip had never really watched the sport before, but found it interesting enough. He watched from afar, not really wanting more than to observe. If the other boy saw him, they didn’t acknowledge it. 

 

Eventually, others came to meet him. Philip had been fine not knowing who was beneath the helmet, his imagination running away with him, but when he did, Philip held his breath. It was Lukas from school. They had more than a few classes together, thanks to it being a village with a small population. He recognized everyone in his friend group as well, but when one of the girls stepped forward and kissed Lukas, Philip sighed. He closed his eyes, then gathered his things. 

 

One thing about being in a small town in the middle of nowhere was that, even though Philip wasn’t really out, he wasn’t really in the closet either back in the city. Here, everything was different. It felt suffocating in a way that Philip hadn’t expected. As he walked away from the echoing laughter that came from the group of friends, Philip looked down at his phone. He had no messages waiting for him, but he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t ever have any message waiting for him like he used to, with a street address and a time, sometimes with a dollar amount. He couldn’t have that here, where no one lingered on street corners. He couldn’t pick up, not when Helen was his foster mother, and a sheriff. That life was over now. 

 

Philip felt alone, almost unbearably so, as he walked his bike down the main street of Tivoli. He gripped the handlebars tight as he walked slowly, dodging families who walked together and people running afternoon errands before the shops closed unbelievably early. 

 

With nothing else to do, Philip stopped at the Sheriff’s office. Every other time he’d gone, it had been empty except for Helen and Tony, but this time it wasn’t. He was barely in the door before he turned back around, because someone had been filing a report. It didn’t feel right to loiter. 

 

Sighing, Philip sat on the bench outside, waiting for them to leave. A car drove down the street, music blaring, laughter barely heard over it. He looked up at the car full of teenagers, Lukas being one of them. Their eyes met for a moment, but Philip was pretty sure he’d imagined it. 

 

-

 

No one John stood out to Philip. He didn’t have horror stories, not like he’d thought he’d have when he started. They were nameless, almost faceless when he thought back to them. What he recalled most was the cars themselves. The tan Sedan who liked when he went slow with his hand, the black Escapade who paid Philip extra to kiss him after, the white Taurus who always told him that he liked his mouth. 

 

He recalled the feel of their fingers in his hair, the sighs they made, the feel of the leather seats as he leaned over the center console, how some of them kept the radio on and some of them preferred silence. Philip missed things, which he didn’t think he would. He missed how his jaw was sore after, the feel of his lips when they were red and swollen from blowing multiple people in a night. He missed when they tugged his hair, when they touched his back, rubbing it as he blew them. He liked when they ran their fingers through his hair when he did a good job. 

 

He missed being touched. 

 

-

 

“Hey.” 

 

Philip had been sitting by the tree again, reading a book he’d found at a used bookstore in Red Hook after school the day before. He looked up to find Lukas standing over him. 

 

“Hi,” Philip said, closing his book. He squinted up at Lukas, giving him a smile. Lukas had his riding gear on, his helmet in his hands. 

 

“You, uh -- you into motocross?” Lukas asked him. Philip shrugged, then decided to nod his head because of how Lukas’ eyes almost pleaded with him to say yes. 

 

“Yeah, totally,” Philip said, because it was what Lukas wanted to hear. 

 

“You wanna go for a ride?” Lukas offered. Philip hadn’t realized Lukas had a second helmet with him, but as soon as he asked Philip saw it. 

 

“Sure,” Philip said with a grin. 

 

-

 

“Philip, you in there?” Gabe asked. Philip’s mind had been somewhere else while they were seated at dinner. 

 

“Sorry,” Philip said as he took a bite of food. He’d been thinking of the ride he’d taken with Lukas, how it felt to have his arms around Lukas as he held on. He licked his lips before taking a breath. “What did you say?” 

 

“I said, why not you and I go out on my boat later?” Gabe asked. Philip made a face. “Or not.” 

 

“I just -- I’ve never been on a boat,” Philip said, embarrassed. 

 

“Well, we live on a lake, it would be a good time to try it out.” 

 

“Sure,” Philip said, because Gabe wanted him to. He didn’t want to be a bother. “If you have time.” 

 

“Of course,” Gabe said. Philip pushed the food on his plate around, unable to stop thinking about Lukas’ laugh, or how he’d asked if Philip wanted to hang out again tomorrow. They’d talked for hours after riding, and Philip couldn’t remember the last time someone talked to him like he was a human being, a normal kid. It wasn’t like how Gabe and Helen talked to him, like he would break. 

 

“Anytime, but I’ve got a lot of homework,” Philip said as he put his napkin over his food. “May I... can I be excused?” 

 

“Yes, you may,” Helen said with a smile. Philip gave her one in return as he took his dishes to the sink, rinsing them off before putting them in them in the dishwasher. He took the stairs two at a time, going into his room and locking the door. He didn’t think as he kicked off his shoes, pulling off his shirt and hoodie at the same time. He didn’t think as he fell down onto his bed, unbuttoning his jeans and shoving them down his thighs, hooking his fingers under his boxer briefs, sliding them down enough so that he could get to his growing erection. He sighed as soon as he was in his own hand, the feel of it as he began to jack off. He pictured Lukas, at first. He tried to remember how it felt to have his arms around him, how good he smelled, the look of his lips as they talked. 

 

But then he remembered the others. He remembered the feel of their hands on him instead, of their hands on his head, pushing him down. Philip cried out, gasping as he came in his hand, making a mess on his stomach. 

 

“Fuck,” Philip whispered as he sat up. He felt broken, like he should be getting off to Lukas, wanted to get off to Lukas, but instead he thought about big hands and harsh words. “I’m so fucking messed up.” 

 

It didn’t matter anyways, really. It wasn’t like Lukas would like him, could like him. He was rich, had to be because he had that motor bike. He wouldn’t like Philip, because Philip wasn’t someone that pretty rich boys liked. They liked girls who would put out, girls that they could be seen with at school. It didn’t matter who Philip jacked off to, because it was all in his head. 

 

-

 

Philip laughed as his mom pushed him on the swing. It was cold out, but they didn’t care as he swung higher and higher with each push. They’d already gone on the see-saw, played on the jungle gym and the big tire swing, but the normal ones were Philip’s favorite. He’d let his mom go first, as he tried to push her on the swing, but he wasn’t much help. 

 

“Higher!” he shouted, his legs kicking to make himself go faster. He turned to look at her, her smile wide as she pushed him again. He grinned back at her as he tried to go even higher, to reach the sky. He held on tighter. 

 

“Jump, baby!” She said with a laugh, and he did. 

 

-

 

Sometimes, Philip got angry. It took a lot to set him off, and most of the time it didn’t make sense to him what was happening until he felt like all he wanted to was run out of the house and scream out into the nothingness that surrounded their house. It wasn’t his house, but a place he was living. His home was in the city; his home was Queens. It wasn’t Tivoli, it wasn’t the house by the lake, surrounded by farmland. 

 

Philip clenched his jaw as he sat watching a movie with Gabe and Helen, a weekly tradition, along with what felt like a million other weekly traditions that he felt like they made up when he got here. Helen was on the floor in front of Gabe, getting a back massage. They were always touching each other, always leaning into each other’s space and it bothered Philip. It bothered him but he wasn’t sure why. He tried not to watch, because it felt private in a way, even though it wasn’t at all sexual. He tried to concentrate on the movie, but couldn’t. He closed his eyes, trying to imagine his mom and dad doing what Gabe and Helen were doing, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t imagine anything. 

 

Because that wasn’t his reality. 

 

He thought about Lukas, about maybe touching him like that, but it didn’t fit either. Nothing fit. 

 

“I’m not feeling good,” Philip heard himself saying. “I think I’m just going to go to bed.” 

 

“You need some medicine?” Helen asked as Philip stood up. “There’s some in the medicine cabinet in our bathroom if you need it.” 

 

“Thanks,” Philip said as he practically ran up the stairs. He didn’t take medicine, not unless absolutely necessary. 

 

He shut his door and locked it, even though Helen told him she didn’t want him locking the door. Gabe disagreed, saying that if Philip wanted privacy he should have it. Groaning, Philip unlocked the door, but kept it closed. He curled up in his bed, checking his phone. He smiled to himself when he saw that Lukas had texted him. It was about motocross, but that didn’t matter. He responded, taking a deep breath. 

 

He shouldn’t be irritated that Gabe and Helen touched each other, that was normal. It was a normal thing to do, especially if people were married. Closing his eyes, Philip spread his body out across his bed, his hands palms up as he tried to relax. He thought about touch, the feel of his mom’s hair in his hands, how her hand felt in his. Philip covered his eyes with his hand, biting his lip. He remembered the feel of her body when she’d been passed out, when he had called 911 because he hadn’t felt a pulse. She’d been lighter than he thought she would be as he’d hauled her into the bathroom, trying to wake her. 

 

His phone ringing broke the memory, shattering it to pieces as he sat up, wiping at his eyes. Lukas’ number lit up the screen. 

 

“Hey,” Philip said, clearing his throat. “What’s going on?” 

 

“Want to go for a ride?” Lukas asked. 

 

-

 

“This is a great view,” Philip said as they sat, miles from Tivoli, hours away from his mom and light years away from his memories. He had nothing to recall, nothing to compare this to. He’d never taken a scenic route on a highway before, the city didn’t have the sort of views that the middle of nowhere did. He liked it, it was peaceful. 

 

“It’s alright,” Lukas said with a sigh, carding his fingers through his hair. “Sometimes it’s good to just ride until you find a place to stop.” 

 

Philip nodded his head in agreement. They sat in companionable silence, not really needing to talk to fill any void. The sun was setting, and Philip took a picture. 

 

“That’s a good picture,” Lukas said, leaning in close to see the shot. 

 

“Thanks,” Philip said, paying attention to the feel of Lukas against him. 

 

“You ever film anything?” Lukas asked him. 

 

“Yeah,” Philip said, looking from Lukas’ eyes to his lips, then back again. He noticed Lukas do the same, and Philip began to hope. 

 

-

 

“You like playing with my hair, don’t you?” His mom asked as Philip sat behind her, braiding it. 

 

“Yeah,” Philip said with a laugh, uninhibited. “I like how it looks,” he said as he put his chin on her shoulder. She pulled his arms around him and they sat there for awhile. They were interrupted by a knock at the door. His mother got up quickly, leaving him alone on the carpet, her braid falling apart as she went. A man walked in, giving Philip a look as he did so. He looked familiar. Philip had enough sense to look away from him, his jaw clenching as he thought about all of the faceless men and their cars. 

 

He got up to go, grabbing his jacket. He didn’t want to be around, didn’t want to see the needle come out. It was easier to pretend that way. He also pretended not to see the man’s gaze rake over his body as he put on his shoes, kissing his mom on the cheek before going. 

 

The car had been a tan Sedan. He looked different in the light of day as opposed to the darkness that surrounded dimly lit street lamps. Looking back at his door, Philip thought about telling him to get out of their house, but he knew it would only upset his mom. If it weren’t for her, he’d kick the guy out. To Philip right then, all he wanted was to go back to a few minutes prior when he’d had his mother with him, his real mother. Not the mother that would be there when he came back in an hour or so. That wasn’t her. One day he would have his mother back, for good. Until then, he had to work harder so that she could get better. 

 

He headed towards the street corner.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> reminder that this fic has both scenes in the past and scenes from the present in it, so if it seems out of place... it's the past (even if it's recent past.). 
> 
> heed the tags! 
> 
> I can be found @philipshea on tumblr!
> 
> thank you so much to those who have subscribed and commented! new fandoms are daunting and I'm excited about sharing this fic, even if it is rather heavy.

_You can’t tell anyone._

 

Those words echoed in Philip’s head as Lukas dropped him off down the street from Gabe and Helen’s house. He didn’t want to be alone, but didn’t voice it to Lukas. Lukas, who’d saved his life. If it wasn’t for him, Philip would be dead. 

 

On the side of the road, Philip threw up. After emptying his stomach, he continued to dry heave. All he saw when he shut his eyes was the gun pointed at his face, how he’d been frozen in place under the bed, unable to do anything. Philip saw the dead bodies, heard gunshots even though around him were crickets. By the time he’d control over himself, he started home. 

 

He made sure to wipe at his face before walking into the house, but thankfully he didn’t run into anyone. Without thinking he went straight into the bathroom to shower, his hands shaking as he got undressed. He sat in the shower until the water ran cold, watching the water cascade down his arms and legs, down into the drain. 

 

Once he was out and dressed, he knew he needed to eat. Wearing his pajamas that his foster parents bought him, he made his way down to the kitchen to raid the refrigerator for leftovers. 

 

“Where’ve you been?” Helen asked casually as she walked into the kitchen. 

 

Philip shrugged. “Exploring,” he said as he poured himself a glass of milk. “Took some pictures of the sunset,” he lied. He had some pictures of sunsets he could show her, from when he and Lukas went riding earlier in the weak if she pried more. Helen did that, pried into his life. She didn’t mean it, he knew, but tonight wasn’t a good night for twenty questions. He tried not to shake as the front door opened: in his mind it sounded like a gunshot. 

 

“Get any good shots?” She asked, but then Gabe came into view and her attention went to him. 

 

Quickly, Philip made his way upstairs with his milk and the whole package of Oreos. He sat down against his door, feeling safe. He set the milk and cookies down, staring at them, he wiped at his face then ran his fingers through his hair as he tried to breathe. 

 

He’d almost died, but all he could think about was the feel of Lukas’ lips on his. Maybe it was safer to think about that then the fact that he could be one of the bodies on the ground at the Waldenbeck cabin. Philip closed his eyes, trying to recall the feel of Lukas on top of him. 

 

Thinking that he’d made a mistake, that Lukas hadn’t actually wanted him, when he pushed him away initially hurt. It crushed him, thinking that Lukas could actually like him -- could want him. He had no doubt in his mind that he wanted Lukas. He was drawn to him. He hadn’t meant to come onto him like that, but he’d thought the signs had been there. Lukas couldn’t stop staring at his lips, always looking at them. 

 

 _You can’t tell anyone._

 

Philip laughed to himself, banging his head against the door. Of course he would want someone who didn’t know what they wanted -- who they wanted. Of course, now they had this horrible secret hanging between them. He should tell Helen, he needed to tell Helen about the bodies. She would understand, maybe. 

 

He wasn’t out to Gabe and Helen, but this wasn’t about his sexuality, or Lukas’. It was about the fact that people were dead. Only, he’d promised Lukas. He didn’t want to betray that trust, he couldn’t do it. Everything would be okay, the guy was dead after all. 

 

-

 

“You don’t need to tell anyone.”

 

“Sure,” Philip said with a smirk as he slipped two twenties into his back pocket as he got into the car. It pulled away from the curb, the doors locking automatically. “I’m good at keeping secrets.” 

 

“I bet you are,” the John said pulling Philip’s head towards his crotch. 

 

“You want road head?” Philip asked, his hand resting on his thigh, waiting for the go ahead. “Or to park?”

 

“I’m going to keep driving, and you’re going to get your filthy little mouth on my cock.” Philip smirked. That, he could do. He wouldn’t tell anyone that he knew exactly who the John was, would recognize his face from any newspaper headline. But he wasn’t a snitch. 

 

-

 

Philip thought that, somehow, being with Lukas would be easier than anything else he’d gone through in his life. It was a lie that he’d told himself, that it would be okay if Lukas didn’t want to talk to him in the hallways at school, that he didn’t mind it. He did mind, though. It hurt, watching Lukas with Rose and their friends. 

 

It hurt more than the punch Lukas had given him. That was nothing compared to how he felt with the way that Lukas had glared at him, had pushed him away. It was like he was nothing to Lukas, and maybe that was true. Maybe Philip was kidding himself. Lukas didn’t really like him, didn’t want him. Philip was only an experiment, someone to toy with. Lukas had Rose, why would be leave her for Philip in the first place? 

 

What Philip couldn’t understand was why had Lukas kept kissing him except to get what he wanted from Philip. He didn’t want Philip to talk, to tell Helen, so he’d kissed him. Philip saw lust in Lukas’ eyes when he’d gone to see him. He knew that look well, but it was nothing beyond that. Philip wanted to get off, too, but knew that he didn’t want to be used. He deserved better than that. He didn’t think he was worth much as a person, but he knew that what Lukas tried to take for free was actually worth something to others and without an emotional connection, Philip wasn’t willing to give anything up for free. 

 

Yet, when Lukas had kissed him tenderly, he’d caved easily, begging Lukas that he would say whatever he wanted if he’d just keep going. That wasn’t a lie. He would say whatever Lukas wanted him to because he was weak for affection. It was when Lukas was assertive that Philip felt like he could take control of the situation, could push him away. He didn’t want that, didn’t want to be manhandled and pushed around. 

 

He wanted to be held, like how Gabe held Helen. He wanted to be kissed slowly, with mouths closed, without seeking more. He thought about how his mother used to hold him before bed, kissing his hair as he read his favorite books to her. He wanted to be hugged. 

 

Instead, he was pushed away. 

 

But he was there for Lukas anyway, because he had to be. He had to pull him away from the edge, because he knew how. He helped his mother, so he could help Lukas too. He knew the tone of voice he needed to use, how he should remain calm but commanding. Instead of Lukas holding him, he held Lukas, because that was what Lukas needed. 

 

Philip could be who his mother needed, could be who Lukas needed him to be. 

 

-

 

“We don’t have to do this,” Philip said as they lay down on Lukas’ bed. They’d been kissing, then suddenly Lukas wanted to stop. He hadn’t pressured Lukas into anything: they still had their clothes on. There was no way they’d be caught, either, with Lukas’ dad being out of town. “We could watch a movie,” Philip soothed, pushing himself up by his elbows as Lukas looked away from him, having an internal fight with himself. Philip bit his lip. If he moved, if he acted like he was going to leave then maybe Lukas would grab his arm and pull him back in for a kiss, would force him to react, but that wasn’t what Philip wanted. He didn’t want to guilt Lukas into kissing him. 

 

“Really?” Lukas asked, his voice distant. Philip shrugged, knocking his leg against Lukas’. 

 

“Yeah,” Philip said, though he’d had an erection from kissing Lukas. He could deal with that himself, though. Only, he knew that Lukas had the same reaction he did, but pushed himself away as soon as Philip’s hand got near him. “We could just Netflix, no need to add the chill at the end.” He’d meant it as a joke, but he wasn’t sure if Lukas took it that way or not. 

 

“I don’t know,” Lukas said. He always sounded so torn, like he was being ripped apart from the inside. Philip put his hand on Lukas’ shoulder. 

 

“Hey,” Philip said, wanting Lukas to look at him. “We don’t have to make out, we don’t need to do anything, alright? Being here is enough. Hanging with you is...” 

 

Lukas kissed him again, cupping Philip’s face with his hands, his tongue in Philip’s mouth as he climbed on top of him, pushing him back onto the bed. Philip grabbed at Lukas, holding onto him as the kiss deepened. Lukas ran hot and cold with him, his lust almost uncontrollable yet at the same time it was transparent. Philip didn’t make the first move, wouldn’t instigate. It had been his fault, before, cupping Lukas’ erection. It had broken the delicate thing they had between them, like as long as Lukas didn’t think about it, he was okay with touching Philip. He was okay to be the one pushing Philip onto the bed, groping his ass, his hands never stilling over one area, like he couldn’t decide what part of Philip he wanted to touch more. 

 

The ball always had to be in Lukas’ court, and Philip relented to that easily, as long as Lukas kept touching him. 

 

They managed to get down to their underwear, gasping into each other’s open mouths as they moved against each other desperately, before Lukas backed away, pining Philip to the bed. Lukas’ lips were red, swollen. Philip wanted to bite them, but let Lukas decide what he wanted to do next. 

 

“Do you want to watch Netflix?” Lukas asked. Philip laughed, nodding his head as he reached out for Lukas, running his fingers through his hair. 

 

“Yeah,” Philip said, despite the fact that he had his legs spread between Lukas’, and they’d been practically dry humping on the bed, most of their clothes discarded. Awkwardly, they untangled themselves, grabbing their jeans and t-shirts of the floor. 

 

They got drinks and some chips, before making themselves comfortable on the couch. Philip let Lukas choose something to watch, because there was too many things that he’d never seen to pick something good for them to watch. Without thinking, he leaned against Lukas when they made to get comfortable. Lukas put his arm around Philip without complaint, and Philip smiled to himself as he played with his soda can tab. 

 

Lukas started a movie up, a comedy that Philip had never heard of. He didn’t pay attention to it, but instead to the fact that Lukas’ hand idly brushed against Philip’s shoulder and the fact that Philip’s arm was dangerously close to Lukas’ thigh, within perfect reach of Lukas’ cock. Philip licked his lips, tilting his head to the side. Without further prompting, Lukas kissed him. It started chastely, then his hand that had been at Philip’s shoulder slid to the back of Philip’s neck. Somehow, with the movie in the background, it helped keep Lukas grounded. Philip trailed his lips across Lukas’ cheek, to his neck, his lips parting as he sucked. His hand slid up Lukas’ thigh as his body tingled, his blood flowing down between his legs. Lukas gasped, but didn’t stop Philip as he cupped his erection over the fabric of his jeans. Emboldened, Philip shifted his body so that he could straddle Lukas. 

 

Lukas helped him, his hands sliding beneath Philip’s shirt, then pulled it over his head before kissing Philip again. This time, it was Lukas who kissed Philip’s neck, pulling him close by wrapping his arms around Philip. Philip moaned as he ground his hips down against Lukas, who bit down, then sucked at Philip’s neck. Gasping, Philip pulled at Lukas’ hair in order to capture his lips once more. 

 

“Shit,” Lukas whispered as Philip hummed in contentment. He hadn’t had something like this before, where he’d gotten to take his time. Where there wasn’t really an end in sight. He just wanted to keep kissing Lukas as long as Lukas would let him, clothes or no clothes. As if a dam broke, Lukas gripped Philip’s ass, bucking his own hips upwards so their erections bumped together, making them both gasp at the friction. Philip’s head rest against Lukas’ as they both moved, enjoying the feel of it until Lukas moved them, pinning Philip to the couch, spreading his legs once more. Philip wanted to make a comment about how he was always the one to end up on his back, but he didn’t want to ruin this. He didn’t want to break Lukas from this moment. 

 

“This feels so good,” Lukas said, almost to himself as he moved against Philip, who nodded enthusiastically, grasping at Lukas’ thighs, moving to his ass. 

 

“I just... I want to touch you,” Philip practically begged. He found that it was the truth: he almost burned with it. He wanted to touch Lukas, but felt like that wasn’t allowed. Lukas stopped moving above him for a moment, and Philip thought he’d ruined everything. He assumed Lukas would get off of him, or turn the movie off. 

 

Instead, Lukas leaned down and kissed him. 

 

“Okay,” Lukas said, looking down at him. Philip smiled, pushing himself up enough to capture Lukas’ lips with his own as he tugged at Lukas’ jeans, popping open the button. 

 

“I have an idea,” Philip said, unzipping Lukas’ zipper. “Trust me.” 

 

“I-- I trust you,” Lukas said. Philip kissed him, smiling as he closed his eyes. He wrapped his hand around Lukas’ cock, stroking him slowly as he opened his mouth, seeking to deepen the kiss. Lukas moaned, practically pressing his entire body against Philips at the contact. With his other hand, Philip freed himself from the confines of his own jeans as he jacked Lukas off. Lukas moaned into Philip’s mouth, gasping as Philip moved his hips, gripping both he and Lukas’ cocks in his hand. 

 

“Fuck,” Lukas said repeatedly as they both fucked up into Philip’s hand. It felt so good, the friction and the fact that this was Lukas Philip had on top of him. It felt more intimate than anything he’d ever done before, this closeness as Lukas kissed him, his mouth trailing down Philip’s earlobe, leaving soft kisses down his neck. There would be a mark there the next day, but Philip didn’t care. Brazenly, Philip pulled Lukas’ hand to join his other one in jacking them off. He wanted Lukas to know that this was okay, that it felt good, that there was nothing to fear about touching him. He moaned himself as Lukas’ thumb brushed over the head of Philip’s cock. His mouth fell open as Lukas became bolder, kissing underneath Philip’s jaw as he took Philip’s cock in his hand, releasing his own so that he could jack Philip off. Philip mirrored Lukas, stroking him quickly, his thumb smearing precome as he worked at the head. Lukas groaned. 

 

“Fuck, you’re so good at that,” Lukas whispered in Philip’s ear. Philip bit his lip, closing his eyes as he tried not to think about anyone except Lukas, tried to live in the moment as Lukas jacked him off, although awkwardly. He wasn’t used to jacking someone else off as he got off, and his movements were stilted, as if he couldn’t concentrate. Philip sought out Lukas’ mouth, wanting to keep kissing him. Lukas pressed their cocks together once more, gripping them both in his hand once more. Philip wrapped his arms around Lukas, desperate to be closer now that he was sure Lukas wouldn’t push him away. 

 

“Please,” Philip said, barely audible. He felt his climax growing, his stomach dropping as he held onto Lukas’ neck. “I’m going to come.” 

 

“Me too,” Lukas said, grunting above him. Philip let out a choked moan himself as he spilled onto his stomach. Lukas, too came as he groaned audibly. “Fuck.” 

 

Philip waited for Lukas to freak out, his head resting back against the couch pillows as Lukas knelt a top him, staring down at their mixed mess before him. 

 

“Holy shit,” Lukas said, his eyes wide. 

 

Philip licked his lips. “Did you like it?” He prompted when Lukas didn’t say anything, didn’t move. 

 

“Yeah,” Lukas said, his voice breaking. He looked into Philip’s eyes. “I did.” Philip grinned as they linked fingers, then kissed again.

 

-

 

Philip sat with his knees tucked up against his chest, his arms wrapped around his legs in order to hold himself tight, chin resting on top of his knees. He sat alone in their house, in the dark, because the power had gone out. His mother’s boyfriend had shouted, raising his hand to slap Philip, irate at him as if it had been Philip’s fault that they hadn’t paid the power bill, had used the money for drugs instead of it’s intended use. 

 

Rocking back and forth, Philip willed himself not to cry. He hadn’t been hit, but only because his mother had stopped it from happening. They’d left Philip, to go find what they really wanted. It was more important to them then power, anyways. More important to them than Philip. Philip closed his eyes, trying to think of something positive to tether him to the real world. He’d taken to disappearing in his mind, to pretending he wasn’t really where he was. But that wouldn’t put the power back on. 

 

He didn’t have enough money for it, had given over all the cash he’d made to his mother for the power bill, but they hadn’t used it for that. Drugs came first. Tears fell from Philip’s eyes, even though he willed himself not to. Sometimes, no matter what he did, he couldn’t stop the tears from falling. Wiping at his face, then running his fingers through his hair, Philip let out a shaking breath. Sitting in the dark wouldn’t turn the power back on, wouldn’t put food in his belly. Sitting in the dark wouldn’t help his mother. 

 

Standing up, Philip groped in the dark for his jacket before walking out the door, heading to his street corner. 

 

-

 

“I miss you,” Philip whispered into the phone. Sitting in his closet with the door closed, he felt like he was hiding, but he didn’t want Gabe or Helen to overhear him. 

 

“I miss you too, baby,” Anne said. Philip closed his eyes as he heard his mother’s voice over the receiver. “Maybe... maybe you could come visit me here. Everything is so bright and clean.” 

 

“I would like that,” Philip said, picking at his jeans as he sat, the phone cradled between his cheek and shoulder. He wiped at his face, tears falling freely from the sound of her coherent, clean voice. He wanted to hug her, to be hugged by her. “I’m so proud of you, Mom.” 

 

“Oh, Philip. I love you, and I want to be better for you. I’m going to do better.” 

 

“You should do it for you, Mom,” Philip said. “I want you to get better for you.” 

 

“It’s hard,” she admitted. Philip bit his lip. “I miss him, I miss it.” 

 

“I know,” Philip said with a shaky breath. “I know it’s hard, mom. But I want to be with you.” 

 

“That’s why I’m trying,” she said. “For you.” 

 

They hung up a few minutes later, and when Philip came out of the closet, Gabe was sitting on his bed, waiting for him patiently. Philip clutched his phone in his hand, his lips in a thin line, posture defensive because of the way Gabe’s arms were crossed. They didn’t look each other in the eye. 

 

“You don’t need to hide,” Gabe said. Philip wanted to make a joke about hiding and coming out of closets to steer the conversation away from his mother but he knew it wouldn’t really work, so silence fell between them. Gabe took a deep breath, letting it out slowly before continuing. “The judge didn’t want you in contact with your mother for a reason, son, and I think it would be wise to listen to them.” 

 

Philip opened his mouth to talk, but Gabe gestured to give him a moment to finish before Philip rebuffed his suggestion. 

 

“That being said, I also think that separating you, to sever the communication between you so severely wasn’t wise, especially with how close you two were. I don’t want you to think that you need to hide anything from us, Philip. I know you’re a teenager, and I remember wanting privacy and needing it but after finding out that you’re gay, and seeing you sneaking phone calls to your mom-- if we’re more open then there isn’t a reason to sneak around. I’m not going to rebuke you for talking to her. I just want you to know that maybe, just maybe, the judge knows what’s best.” 

 

“What if she caves,” Philip said. “What if, by me not being there, it makes it harder?” 

 

“You can’t be in control of your mother getting clean, Philip.” 

 

“But I was, I was before,” Philip said, his voice raising. “She stopped for a while, and she isn’t a bad person, okay. She’s tried before. But I was there for her. I can’t be there for her if I can’t see her, or talk to her.” 

 

Gabe nodded his head like he understood, but Philip knew he couldn’t go see her at the rehab center. Court orders were the real deal, and separating Philip from his old life was part of that order. Taking him away from the sex work he’d done was a major part of it. 

 

Silence fell between them as Philip mirrored Gabe’s crossed arms. 

 

“What if Helen and I contacted the judge, to see about visitation? Would that help?” Philip shrugged at Gabe’s suggestion. “Supervised, of course. We can’t have you running to the city again, Philip. Something could have happened to you.” 

 

Philip shrugged again. 

 

“Help me out here, son.” 

 

Whenever Gabe called Philip son, his heart leapt, then withered almost as fast. He wasn’t really Gabe’s son. He didn’t have a father, barely had a mother. Philip closed his eyes. 

 

“Do you mean it?” Philip whispered. 

 

“Mean what?” Gabe asked in his calming voice, one that reminded Philip of his own when he talked to his mother when she was in hysterics, the drugs turning on her. 

 

“Do you mean it when you call me son?” Philip asked, his heart bleeding on his sleeve at the question. Gabe gave him a smile, nodding his head. 

 

“I do, if you let me be your father,” he said simply. Philip looked to the ground, biting his lip in a grimace. “Come here,” Gabe said, standing, his arms open. Philip walked forward without thinking, falling into Gabe’s open arms, letting himself be wrapped up in Gabe’s embrace, his face tucked against Gabe’s shoulder. “Sometimes we forget how hard your life’s been, we can’t even imagine what you’ve gone through,” Gabe said as Philip clung to him. “But you’re here now, with us, okay?” Philip nodded his head. 

 

He was with Gabe and Helen, now, in the middle of nowhere, away from the Johns, away from the drugs and near starvation. He had clothes, a roof over his head, and people looking out for him for the first time in his life. Despite everything else happening in his life, for a moment everything seemed to be solved. 

 

When they broke the hug, both of them laughed, Gabe patting Philip on the back as the door downstairs opened then closed, letting them know that Helen was home. 

 

“Get yourself cleaned up for dinner, alright? It’s spaghetti night.” 

 

-

 

Philip waited in the middle of the woods, his bike discarded yards away as he sat on a rock. He checked his phone, waiting for a text from Lukas to see why he was so late. There wasn’t one. 

 

‘Where are you?’ Philip texted to Lukas. They were supposed to meet an hour ago, and the sun would be setting soon. 

 

“I can’t believe this,” Philip murmured to himself. After everything that’s happened with Rose, about everything, Philip shouldn’t have waited this long for Lukas to arrive. He should have been the one to leave him waiting. 

 

Just as Philip stood up to leave, he heard the sound of Lukas’ bike in the distance. He sighed to himself, playing with the camera he had in his hands. It was his now, he guessed, since the former owner was now dead. It was fucking morbid, but true. It was the nicest thing Philip had ever owned, and it wasn’t even really his. 

 

As Lukas came into view, Philip took a picture of him. Lukas took his helmet off, putting it on his bike before carding his fingers through his hair, giving Philip a smile. Philip returned it, but it fell when he saw the remains of a hickey on Lukas’ neck, one that he didn’t leave there. Philip’s stomach sank as Lukas walked forward, leaning in for a kiss. Philip put his hand up, stopping him. 

 

“Come on,” Lukas said, teasing. “Don’t be like that. I’m sorry I’m late, alright? I had to do something for my dad.” 

 

“Yeah,” Philip said, pressing his finger against the hickey. Lukas pushed his hand away, then covered it, scowling at him. “Did that something involve Rose?” 

 

“Don’t be jealous,” Lukas said, which made Philp roll his eyes. He should have known better. He shouldn’t have come. Lukas only wanted to see him in private, hidden out of view. Philip wasn’t worth being seen in public with. 

 

“Don’t be a dick,” Philip said. “Don’t flaunt what you have in front of me, it isn’t fair to me. You’re--” Lukas tried to silence Philip with a kiss. Philip pushed at Lukas’ chest. “Stop it.” 

 

“What do you want from me?” Lukas asked, his eyes wide, as if he didn’t know what he was doing to Philip. 

 

“You have no idea, do you? How selfish you are.” 

 

“What are you talking about?” Lukas asked. “I’m here, aren’t I?” 

 

Philip snorted, looking away from Lukas as he shook his head. 

 

“Here I am,” Philip said, scuffing the ground with his shoe. “Waiting for you for an hour, in the cold, alone, and all you can offer me is what? ‘Sorry Philip, I was making out with my _girlfriend_.’”

 

“She-- we-- you know I like you,” Lukas mumbled, unable to meet Philip’s gaze. Philip closed his eyes and counted to fifteen, then opened them to see Lukas’ pleading eyes. “Please, Philip. I’m trying, okay?”

 

“You know, Rose deserves better,” Philip said. “I deserve better. You have to choose, Lukas. It isn’t fair to either of us, you sneaking behind her back to me. For me, you push me away like I’m nothing and I’m tired of being nothing to everyone. I’m someone, too, you know.” 

 

“I can’t break up with Rose,” Lukas said, wide-eyed. Philip nodded his head, resigned as he headed towards his bike. 

 

“Okay,” Philip said, looking over his shoulder. “Then find someone else to fuck around with.” 

 

-

 

Laying awake at night, Philip couldn’t sleep. The country was too quiet, too empty. The city kept the silence at bay, kept his mind from being too full. The city kept him busy, filling his nights with skin on skin contact, the affection that he craved, even if it wasn’t the exact sort that he most needed. Instead of embraces, he got manhandled in dimly lit cars. Instead of a kiss good night, he got handed folded up bills and a sore throat. 

 

Philip missed the contact most of all. In Tivoli, he wasn’t touched at all. He’d been there only a few weeks, and Gabe and Helen weren’t tactile with him. He knew he didn’t give off a vibe that he wanted to be hugged, but he wasn’t sure how to initiate any sort of contact. Whenever Gabe pat his shoulder in the mornings, Philip flinched. Gabe didn’t take it the way he’d hoped, that he just needed to be eased into it. He wanted touch, innocent touch that didn’t have anything to do with desire. 

 

At night it was the worst, the craving for affection. No amount of blankets could cure his need, no miraculous cup of tea could help him, now. He couldn’t even hug his mother, now. She was out of reach, perhaps forever if she didn’t get cleaned up. Well, until Philip turned eighteen. The court couldn’t keep him away, then. 

 

Philip couldn’t just sneak out and find a street corner to find someone willing to touch him anymore. Tivoli wasn’t a place he would find that. Hell, he went to school in the next town over, and even in Red Hook he wouldn’t find what he sought out, reached for because there was nothing else within him that could satiate it. He couldn’t hug himself, it didn’t work. The closest he found was pulling his knees up close to his chest, and that felt more like giving up than anything else. Philip didn’t ever give up, because if he did then no one would be there for his mother. 

 

So Philip took himself in hand, his mind roaming until he was able to imagine being held the way he wanted, cherished and kissed in a way he had never been before. One day, he thought as he came, one day he would have what he wanted, what he deserved. 

 

He doubted he would find that in Tivoli. 

 

-

 

There wasn’t a grocery store in Tivoli, only a convenience store that sold an odd assortment of food and pharmaceuticals. He went there after school most days, going through gum at an unnecessary rate out of sheer boredom. He always locked up his bike when he went outside, because now that he had his own, he didn’t want it to be stolen even though as far as he could tell no one else in Tivoli locked theirs up. In the city, an unlocked bike would last less than three minutes if left alone. 

 

With a new pack of gum in hand, Philip unwrapped a piece before heading out to get his bike. He stopped in his tracks, his hand on his messenger bag as he saw that someone hovered near his bike, inspecting it. 

 

“Can I help you?” Philip asked, his eyebrow raised. He recognized the kid from his classes in school, since they shared most of them. 

 

“Yeah,” they said with a smile, though they didn’t continue. Philip gave him a look. “I’m Lukas,” he said. 

 

“Philip,” Philip offered, but not much else. 

 

“I was, uh, well wondering if anyone welcomed you to town.” 

 

“My foster parents,” Philip said, to be contrary. 

 

“Well, yeah,” Lukas said, shoving his hands in his pockets. “But like, at school?” 

 

Philip shook his head. It was weird, because in the city schools were so packed that it wasn’t a big deal if someone new showed up. At Red Hook, Philip had stuck out so much because he hadn’t grown up in the area that he was practically ostracized. He didn’t get it, but he was fine with it. From what he could tell, they wouldn’t really get him. One thing about small towns, Philip realized, was that he wasn’t welcome, not if he wanted to be himself. In the city, no one cared if you liked guys, but in Tivoli, as far as Philip was aware, people weren’t gay. If they were gay, they were in the closet. Philip looked Lukas up and down, licking his lips. They locked eyes. 

 

“Well,” Lukas said, shrugging. “If you didn’t have anything to do-- I mean, if you wanted, we could go for a ride?” Lukas indicated over to his motorbike. “If you want.” 

 

Philip thought about how all he was going to go do was sit on the dock and stare out at the lake until dinner, how he’d only long for the city. 

 

“Sure,” Philip said, letting out a breath. “Sounds great.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and with this update I can say that I've officially FINISHED WRITING THIS FIC! I finished NANOWRIMO tonight and this fic comes in at around 49k (and 1k of cut scenes) so with that, we will move forward with the five day post schedule! Thank you SO MUCH for commenting and subscribing. This is a super tiny fandom, so any word spread about WIPs and writers in the fandom would be greatly appreciated! 
> 
> this is where things go further from canon, because well, I don't know where the canon is going so this fic is most definitely now CANON DIVERGENT.
> 
> as always, I can be found on tumblr @philipshea! Come tell me what you think :D
> 
> since we are here because we love eyewitness: please remember to DVR eyewitness tomorrow night! Ask your friends! As your fam! Go record it where you can, buy it if you are able on itunes and amazon, because the boys tell us we could possibly get more philkas with a s2 if we do. thank youuuuuuuu.

“Sign in here,” the receptionist said, indicating to all three of them where to sign their names. “Then you’ll be escorted back to the visiting room.” Helen signed her name first, then Philip, followed by Gabe. Philip tried not to shake as Gabe put his hand on his lower back, gently pushing him out in front to follow the nurse. He breathed through his nose, his jaw clenched. He looked down at his clothes, which were new. What if his mom thought he’d moved on, thought that he was better than she was? What if she didn’t recognize him, somehow, or if she looked worse than the last time he’d seen her. What if she had lost even more weight. She was so thin, when he’d snuck into the city to see her. 

 

Philip followed the nurse without hesitating, with Gabe’s hand remaining at his back, grounding him in place. He felt like he couldn’t breathe, or blink, without the threat of everything around him disappearing. When the door was opened and they were ushered through, Philip stopped walking. Inside, he saw his mother sitting on a chair, waiting for them. As soon as she saw Philip, she stood up. Her hair was braided, her face looking bright, her smile blinding him as she opened her arms for him. He didn’t remember running to her, only being wrapped in her arms as he squeezed her as tight as he could. Her laughter filled the room, and he couldn’t help but join her as she pet his hair, kissing his forehead. Her skin didn’t look sallow, or saggy like it was melting off of her. She smelled like fresh laundry, her hair didn’t feel brittle as he played with the long braid. He forgot that Helen and Gabe were standing there, watching them. 

 

Philip cleared his throat, taking his mother’s hand, leading her over to them. Out of the corner of his eye he saw that the nurse wasn’t planning on leaving them alone, and that there was someone else there as well, probably Social Services, to overlook the meeting. 

 

“Mom, this is Gabe and Helen. Gabe and Helen, this is Anne, my mom.” 

 

He watched as his mother shook their hands, her head bowing a little each time as if in thanks. When she was done, she put her arms around Philip again. He covered his hands with hers as she kissed his forehead again. He didn’t want her to stop, wanted her to keep her arms wrapped around him forever. 

 

“Thank you both so, so much. For everything,” she said, her voice shaking. “You have given me a real chance, one I didn’t have-- wouldn’t have had.” Gabe gestured for them all to take a seat. Gabe and Helen sat closer together one one side of the round table, while Philip and Anne sat almost in the same chair, they were so close to one another. Anne held on tight to Philip’s hand, squeezing it every few seconds. “Thank you for looking after my Philip.” 

 

Philip smiled. 

 

“It’s our pleasure,” Gabe said, leaning forward, reaching across the table for Philip to take his hand as well. Philip did so with his free one, palm up so Gabe could grab it. Helen, too, reached in, placing her hand on top. “Philip is a good kid. We wanted to make sure you had everything you need to reunite you two in the court’s eyes.”

 

“We know how hard that can be, or I do, in another perspective,” Helen said. Philip held his breath as his mother squeezed tighter. “We know how much it meant to Philip to see you.” 

 

Anne looked towards Social Services, then back to Helen, her face falling slightly. 

 

“Mom,” Philip said, catching her eye. “Tell me about it, tell me everything,” he insisted. He wanted to make sure she was okay, that they weren’t hurting her. He could only imagine what she was going through, alone. He knew from all the other times she tried to quit, how bad the withdrawals could be. She’d always given in. 

 

So she told them, mostly talking to Philip, her free hand repeatedly coming up to his face, tracing his features like she used to when he was small. Philip pressed his knee against hers, his eyes fluttering as she rubbed his eyebrows slowly, telling him about art therapy, about going for walks with the nurses outside and how she’s reading a book. 

 

How normal it all sounded. 

 

Philip was crying before he knew it, before he could stop it. His mother wiped away his tears. 

 

“Tell me about you, baby,” she said. It was then that she looked over at Gabe and Helen. “How is he?” 

 

Philip bit his lip, wondering what Helen and Gabe would say, if they would tell her he kept sneaking out, that he’d come out to them, too. He listened intently. 

 

“Philip has been getting into photography,” Gabe said with a smile. “He got himself one a few weeks ago, he’s been out rowing with me on the lake.” 

 

“He and I are planning on taking some cooking lessons together,” Helen said with a laugh. Philip rolled his eyes. 

 

“Maybe,” he said. 

 

“It would be fun,” Helen said. “Just the two of us.” Philip’s chest tightened as he nodded his head. His head swam for a moment as Gabe and Helen told his mother everything good about the last couple of months but not of his missing the field trip, or getting in a fight at school with Lukas, or getting shitfaced and caught. 

 

“I’ve been--” Philip bit his lip, looking at Gabe and Helen. “I’ve been having a good time with them,” he said, swallowing down the fact that he almost said that he’s been bad, too, that he wasn’t perfect like Gabe and Helen were making him out to sound. His mother squeezed his hand again, smiling at him like he was the sun. 

 

He pulled her hand up to his lips, closing his eyes. 

 

“I’m not-- I’m not replacing you though.” 

 

“Of course not, baby,” Anne said, her fingers running through his hair. Every time she did it he felt more and more overwhelmed, even touch starved. He wanted more; he didn’t want to leave. He didn’t want to look at Gabe or Helen, or see their reactions as he laid his head on his mother’s shoulder. He wrapped his arms around her as he thought about everything: the murders, everything with Lukas, and the teen deaths. He didn’t want to let her go, she hadn’t done anything wrong. It had been his fault he was taken away from her. 

 

“I want to go home,” he said against her hair. “Please.” 

 

Social Services stepped forward, but Gabe put a hand up that it was okay. 

 

“I’m so sorry,” Philip said, his face contorting. “I’m so sorry, mom. It’s all my fault.” 

 

“No, it wasn’t,” she said. She was crying, too. “It was mine for not being there for you.” 

 

Gabe’s hand was on Philip’s shoulder as he stood over him, Helen too. 

 

“It’s not your fault, Philip,” Gabe said. Philip shook his head, because they were wrong. It was his fault, because he’d gotten caught blowing some John, it was his fault for being taken in. He was arrested for underage prostitution, and Social Services were called. His mother had been found high out of her mind, their power out. It wasn’t living conditions for a teenager, they’d said. They said his mother was endangering him, that she couldn’t take care of him. The judge had been harsh, not allowing any visitation as he was sent away to the country, away from everything he’d done. 

 

“It is,” Philip said, looking at the social worker. “I want to go home.” 

 

“You can’t,” Anne said. “Sweetie, you can’t just yet. Maybe when I get out,” she said, comforting him. “But not right now. Besides, Gabe and Helen want you with them. They can take care of you.” 

 

His mother didn’t want him. He’d been taken from her, and she wanted him to stay with them. Philip shook his head, because he didn’t feel right, like the walls were closing in around him, his breathing erratic. 

 

“Son,” Gabe said, his hand on Philip’s chest. “Take deep breaths, Philip.” Philip nodded his head as he reached out for his mother. 

 

“Is he okay?” He heard Anne ask as she was pulled away from him, the social worker getting between them. Still, he reached for her. 

 

“Let Anne come to him, can’t you see that’s what he wants,” Helen said, standing up for Philip. As soon as his mother’s hand was in his, he felt himself breathe. 

 

“Has he been having many panic attacks?” The social worker asked. 

 

“No,” Gabe said, seriously. He rubbed Philip’s back. “At least not that we’ve known. Philip, it’s important that you tell us the truth. Is this your first panic attack?” 

 

Philip shook his head, shrinking in on himself as he felt all eyes on him, the feel of Gabe behind him, of his mother’s hand in his keeping him sane. 

 

“No,” he admitted, closing his eyes. All he could see were the dead bodies, of a gun pointed at him. “But-- it’s not their fault,” he said to the social worker. “It isn’t Gabe and Helen’s fault.” His voice cracked. 

 

“No one said it was anyone’s fault, Philip,” Gabe assured him. “You’ve been under a lot of stress. You could have told us, is all.” 

 

“Has he been to see a therapist?” The social worker asked, looking at their clipboard. “It says in the court order--”

 

“No,” Philip said, standing up. “I don’t want that.” 

 

“Want and need are two different things,” they said. It sounded threatening to Philip. His mother looked at him through sad, wilting eyes. Philip didn’t want her to look at him like that, like he was broken. It wasn’t her fault. 

 

“No, I’m okay,” Philip said, reassuring her, cupping her face with his hands. “I’m okay, Mom.” 

 

“Okay,” she said, giving him a smile. 

 

Philip looked at the social worker. “The court order suggested it,” he said, feeling more like himself. “I didn’t feel like it. I’m okay, I just don’t like seeing my mother-- I got overwhelmed. I don’t want her to suffer more for it.” 

 

“She isn’t suffering,” Helen said. “They are taking good care of her here, making sure she gets better so you two can live together again.” Helen turned her attention to the social worker. “We’ll talk to him about seeing someone, but we aren’t forcing the issue.” 

 

“If his panic attacks get worse, let us know.” 

 

Philip didn’t like their tone. 

 

In the car, after an abrupt goodbye where his mother was lead away from them, Philip sat with his head against the window, staring blankly at the view. He could tell by their body language that both Helen and Gabe wanted to talk about what happened, about Philip’s reaction. He didn’t have it in him to pretend that he was okay. He felt striped raw from the experience, from seeing his mother look so healthy but not be well enough yet for him to live with her. 

 

“Who wants pizza?” Gabe asked from the passenger seat. “I could go for pizza.” 

 

“Philip, what’s your verdict?” Helen asked, her voice faux happy in a way that made Philip close his eyes. 

 

“No court jokes right now,” Philip said, sinking down further in his seat. “And pizza is fine.” 

 

“Would you rather have something else?” Helen asked. Philip counted in his head until he felt like he was breathing normally. 

 

“I’ve never had-- I never got to choose, before. I don’t like choosing food,” he admitted. He didn’t look at them. He didn’t know what he wanted to eat because want was such a different word than he was used to. What could he eat? What was edible in the house, if anything? What was cheapest? His worldview had shifted with Gabe and Helen and sometimes, like now, it was overwhelming. “I’m sorry.” 

 

“Don’t be sorry, son,” Gabe said, turning to look at Philip. “Let’s stop before we get out of civilization for the good stuff.” 

 

That got Philip a smile. 

 

-

 

Philip awoke to the sound of something hitting his window. He bolted upright in bed, his eyes wide as he looked at the door in case someone was trying to get in. He locked his door at night out of habit, because of his mother’s exes, but this wasn’t the door. 

 

He got out of bed, looking down at the ground below to see Lukas in the dark, barely lit by the light of the moon. Philip bit his lip, opening the window, the night chill making him shiver because he was shirtless. 

 

“What?” Philip hissed down to the ground. Gabe and Helen’s room was on the other side of the house, but still. 

 

“Can I come up?” Lukas asked. Philip shook his head, but the look on Lukas’ face changed his mind. 

 

“How?” Philip asked. 

 

“The door,” Lukas suggested, pointing at it. Philip scowled, shutting the window. He turned his light on so he could see, throwing on a t-shirt, grabbing the used tissues he’d used that night, throwing them into the trash before sneaking downstairs towards the back door. He didn’t like sneaking, but didn’t think that Lukas would like being found by either Gabe or Helen in their house in the middle of the night. When Philip opened the door, he saw streaks of wet trailing down Lukas’ face. 

 

“What happened?” Philip asked, concerned as he reached out for Lukas. Within the blink of an eye Lukas was in his arms, his forehead resting against Philip’s shoulder as his he sniffled, his hands clutching at Philip’s shirt. His shoulder was wet now, but he didn’t care. Even though Lukas was surrounded by people, by his so called friends, none of them really knew him. They gravitated towards him because of his bike, because he could become someone in a town where people didn’t leave. He was magnetic, and Philip was just like the rest of them, unable to keep his distance, though he knew something the rest of them didn’t. 

 

“Let’s go upstairs,” Philip whispered, tentatively taking Lukas’ hand in his own, leading him quietly up the stairs. Philip’s head betrayed him on the way up the stairs, chest constricting when he realized that if he’d shown up at Lukas’ house in the dead of night, he wouldn’t be admitted. It hurt, but then again, Philip felt as though he was always hurting. 

 

Once safely inside his room, and the door locked, Philip turned to face Lukas, who was already in his bed, curled up, his shoes on the ground. Philip joined him on the bed, laying next to him so that their foreheads almost touched. He reached for Lukas’ hand, pulled it close to his chest, amazed that Lukas let him do it. Lukas had his eyes closed, but his breathing was too erratic. Philip waited for him to talk, because that was what he would want. 

 

“Rose broke up with me,” Lukas said, opening his eyes. Philip frowned, tugging Lukas closer. They both moved to the center of the bed, legs intertwining as they held onto each other. 

 

“What happened?” Philip dared to ask. 

 

“We didn’t have sex, you know,” Lukas said. Philip shook his head. 

 

“I was there--”

 

“Well if you were, you’d know I couldn’t get it up,” Lukas said disdainfully. “I couldn’t do it, and we tried again, and I couldn’t-- she wanted to try other stuff and I just--” Lukas grimaced. “I didn’t want to, you know?” 

 

Philip nodded his head, his eyes closing. He knew all about doing sexual acts and not being into it, but not with women. Philip made a face, taking a deep breath as he carded his fingers through Lukas’ hair, like his mom always did for him when he was upset. 

 

“You shouldn’t do anything sexual that you don’t want to,” Philip said, his voice sounding hollow. “Ever.” 

 

Lukas nodded his head, then turned it away from Philip, looking at the ceiling so tears wouldn’t fall. 

 

“So, what? She dumped you, now you can---”

 

“Now I have to find someone else who doesn’t actually expect me to fuck them,” Lukas spat. “Because, because I can’t--”

 

Philip’s stomach sank, he began to untangle himself from Lukas, but Lukas held him close. 

 

“Please,” Lukas said. “Philip, I need you.” 

 

“You don’t want me,” Philip said louder than he meant to say. “You don’t actually want me. Why are you here, Lukas?” Lukas rolled them over so that Philip was on his back, with Lukas hovering over him, both of them breathing harshly. 

 

“I do want you, don’t you get it?” Lukas asked him. Philip shook his head, his eyes on Lukas’ lips as they came down to capture his own in a kiss. Philip chased the kiss, seeking more as Lukas pulled away almost as fast as the kiss started. Philip was pinned to the bed, though, and couldn’t reach him. “I like you, Philip. I -- I can’t control it. It’s like my body and my mind won’t fucking listen to me. It doesn’t want girls, I can’t even watch porn with girls now. All I see is me trying, and I should like it,” Lukas said, his grip on Philip harsh. “I looked up gay porn,” Lukas whispered. “For the first time.”

 

“And?” Philip asked, his hands sliding up and down Lukas’ arms gently. 

 

“I came in like, two minutes,” Lukas said, looking Philip in the eye. “Why is this happening to me?” Lukas asked. 

 

Philip shrugged. “It’s just who you are,” Philip whispered. “Come here,” he said, tugging Lukas towards him. They kissed slowly as Lukas relaxed on top of him. The feel of Lukas’ body on top of his had Philip’s head swimming, as Lukas lay on top of him, spreading his legs. A shiver went down Philip’s body, the memory of them coming together once before at the forefront of his mind. That had been weeks ago, now. With more urgency, Lukas kissed Philip as his hands roamed Philip’s body, his hands sliding beneath Philip’s shirt, hiking it upwards until Philip pulled it off, ridding Lukas of his jacket and shirt, tugging at his belt loops. 

 

“We can stay a secret,” Philip said in a rush as Lukas palmed his groin. Philip arched his back, his mouth opening in a silent moan “I’ll keep us a secret, but I want you to--” Lukas kissed Philip. “I want you to actually see me.” 

 

“Okay,” Lukas said, cupping Philip’s face with one hand as he rubbed up and down over Philip’s growing erection. “Maybe sneaking around will be fun.” 

 

“Fun,” Philip parroted, nodding his head as they kissed again. He fumbled, getting Lukas’ jeans unbuttoned. He shoved the jeans and Lukas’ boxers down his thighs. “We can have fun.” 

 

He wrapped his hand around Lukas’ erection, jacking him off as they continued kissing. Lukas somehow got out of his jeans, but still had his socks on as he wrapped his own hand around Philip’s cock. Philip moaned, his lips ghosting across Lukas’ face. He could taste the salt from his tears on his cheek. 

 

“Let me blow you,” Philip said, because he wanted it, he wanted it so badly that he could barely think. 

 

“You want-- you want to blow me?” Lukas asked, his eyes wide. Philip nodded his head, his brow furrowed. 

 

“Of course I do,” Philip said. “Don’t you-- do you ever think about it?” 

 

Lukas looked away from Philip, his eyes closing. 

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“That’s okay,” Philip said, his voice shaking. “It’s okay. I think, I think you’d like it if I blew you.” 

 

Lukas laid down on his back, propping himself up by his elbows as Philip knelt in front of his spread legs, taking Lukas’ cock in his hand, looking him in the eye before he licked at his head. Lukas bit down on his lower lip as his head hung back, biting back a low groan. Philip grinned to himself, his eyes closing as he let the muscle memory return to him. He knew how to make Lukas moan, from experience. He didn’t think about his past, only the taste of Lukas, the feel of him in his mouth as he lowered his lips, taking him into his mouth fully. Lukas’ hand in Philip’s hair had him moaning as Lukas’ cock hit the back of his throat. When Philip pulled off to take a deep breath, a trail of spit connected the head of Lukas’ cock to Philip’s lips. 

 

“Shit,” Lukas said, breathless before him. “Fuck, I didn’t think-- I didn’t know it would feel like that.” Philip hummed, licking up Lukas’ length before going back down, bobbing his head a few times before taking an upward stroke with his hand, smearing precome with his thumb before going back down again, tasting Lukas on his thumb. “Fuck, I’m gonna come.”

 

It was fast, but Philip didn’t think anything of the timing, because Lukas hadn’t ever had a mouth on him. If anything, it made Philip grin to himself that he could unravel Lukas so quickly. Lukas pushed Philip’s mouth away as he took himself in hand, jacking off quickly. Philip, lips swollen and wet, opened his mouth as he watched Lukas come in his own hand. His mouth watered as he watched Lukas clean it up with tissues instead of with Philip’s tongue. 

 

“You look completely different right now,” Lukas said, voice hazy and come drunk as he pulled Philip closer to him. “Like, your lips and mouth.” 

 

“Oh yeah?” Philip asked with a cocky grin. “Do you like it?” Because he knew how he looked, Johns always told him about his fucked out mouth and debauched lips. 

 

“Yeah,” Lukas said as he let out a breath. “I do.” Philip was still hard as Lukas’ eyes drifted shut. “I liked it, I didn’t think I would.” 

 

“Everyone likes blow jobs,” Philip blurted. Lukas opened his eyes, which were still blown themselves, from lust. 

 

“Do you think I’d like giving one?” Lukas asked him. Philip shrugged, then nodded his head. 

 

“You won’t know until you try,” Philip said as Lukas flipped him over onto his back. “You know when you’re jacking off, and you wish that you could just--- that moment when you wish you could blow yourself?”

 

Lukas laughed but nodded his head. 

 

“It’s like that, like you know it will feel great for the other person,” Philip said, feeling suddenly self-conscious. He wasn’t sure if Lukas was thinking about his pleasure at all. 

 

“Then, yeah,” Lukas said, kissing Philip. “I want to try.” 

 

Philip sighed as Lukas pushed Philip’s pajama bottoms down his thighs, fully exposing him. He did what Philip had, wrapping his hand around Philip’s length and licking tentatively at his head. Philip bit his hand to keep from moaning. 

 

“Now, just--” 

 

Philip began to tell Lukas what to do, but Lukas’ mouth sunk down on Philip’s cock shallowly, bobbing without finesse, his tongue everywhere. Philip’s hips bucked upwards, shoving his cock further into Lukas’ mouth. He choked, pulling back and wiping his mouth. 

 

“Sorry,” Philip said, gripping the sheets around him. “I’m sorry.”

 

Lukas kissed Philip’s hip, then sucked at his thigh as he jacked him off. 

 

“I like when you moan,” Lukas said, his cheeks pink, lips wet and red. Philip’s head hit the bed as he let himself relax. The feel of Lukas’ mouth around him was too much, the fact that Lukas hadn’t freaked out yet--

 

Philip felt his stomach tighten. 

 

“I’m gonna come,” Philip said, sitting up. He should push Lukas away so he wouldn’t get it in his mouth or eyes, but Lukas didn’t stop. “Lukas--”

 

Lukas sucked down before coughing as Philip came into his mouth. Philip groaned as Lukas backed away from him, making a face. 

 

“You didn’t have to do that,” Philip said, reaching out for Lukas. Lukas laid down on top of him, kissing him. Philip could taste himself on Lukas’ tongue as Lukas squeezed Philip’s bare ass with his hand. 

 

“I wanted to know,” Lukas said. “What it would be like.”

 

“What -- did you like it?” Philip asked, scared of the answer. 

 

Lukas shrugged. “It didn’t make me feel ill, like with Rose. It didn’t feel wrong,” Lukas said as his fingers traced the outline of Philip’s jaw. Philip leaned into the touch, his own eyes drifting shut. 

 

“Blow jobs: they don’t make me sick,” Philip said with a laugh. Lukas groaned. 

 

“Whatever,” Lukas said, pushing at Philip, who wrapped his legs around Lukas, keeping him close. 

 

“I wish you could stay,” Philip whispered, kissing Lukas’ cheek. 

 

Lukas looked into his eyes, his face set in a frown. “Me too,” he said, kissing Philip on the mouth. “But I can’t.”

 

“I know,” Philip said as they untangled themselves, getting dressed in silence. As he walked Lukas out, Philip kissed him one more time just inside the door. Afterwards, Philip went to sleep, feeling lighter than he had since he got to Tivoli.


	4. Chapter 4

“Remember, you don’t need to talk about anything you don’t want to,” Gabe said as he drove Philip to his new therapist. “But maybe it will help.”

 

“Help what?” Philip asked, more petulantly than he’d meant to sound. He let out a sigh. “I’m fine.” 

 

“I didn’t say you weren’t,” Gabe said. “But sometimes telling someone else what’s on your mind helps in small ways, not big ones.” Philip snorted. “It’s up to you, but coming to see this therapist will help you and your mom out.” 

 

“Why are you and Helen doing this? Don’t you -- do you want me to leave?” Philip asked, almost asking if they wanted him to stay or not.

 

“I want whatever is best for you, son,” Gabe said, parking the car. Philip stared out at the small building. They’d found a therapist in Red Hook, Philip thought they would be dubious at best. He didn’t have much optimism about the experience. “Helen and I are both here for you,” Gabe offered supportively, patting Philip on the leg. “I’ll be back to get you in an hour, alright?” Philip nodded his head as he got out of the car. Gabe joined him, helping Philip check in. He had to answer a questionnaire, and hand over health insurance. 

 

“I can’t answer some of these,” Philip said, biting his lip. “I don’t know family history.” 

 

“Leave blank anything you don’t know,” Gabe said. “It isn’t a test, it’s just helpful for them to know. I think anything with addiction is what will help most.” 

 

Philip knew that part, at least. He didn’t say anything as Gabe sat beside him as he filled everything out. He didn’t leave until after Philip had been called back and lead into a room with a couch. 

 

His doctor introduced herself as Dr. Lind before indicating that she wanted Philip to sit. 

 

“What do you want to talk about?” She asked him, like he would know. 

 

“Aren’t you supposed to tell me that?” Philip asked, raising an eyebrow. He wasn’t sure why he was acting out, being difficult. He looked around the room as he picked at his jeans. “I mean, what do you want me to talk about?” 

 

“Whatever is on your mind,” Dr. Lind said with her hands in her lap. She had a notebook beside her, but wasn’t using it. “Your file tells me you aren’t living with your mom, how about we start there?” 

 

“My mom is in rehab,” Philip stated. “My foster parents got her in.”

 

“That was good of them,” she prompted. “Do you like your foster parents?” 

 

“Yes,” Philip said. “But I don’t-- I don’t know why they like me.” 

 

“Why wouldn’t they like you?” Philip shrugged. “Do you really not know, or do you not want to tell me?” 

 

“I don’t know why they don’t like me because they know about my past.”

 

“What about it?” 

 

“Are you sure this is going to help?” Philip asked, crossing his arms. “How is me telling you everything -- my mom is a good person. As soon as she’s clean I’m going to go back to the city and live with her again, and everything will be as it should be.” 

 

“So you want to live with your mom, just as it was before?” Dr. Lind asked. Philip stilled as he thought about going back, really going back to his life. He thought about how if it wasn’t for him being arrested, for being caught for prostitution he would still be on his knees, and his mother would still be on drugs, he would be fighting to keep the power on and to put food in his belly. 

 

Philip didn’t answer her for a long time. 

 

“No,” he said. “Not exactly like before.” 

 

“What would you change?” 

 

“She would be clean,” Philip said, looking down at his hands. “She’d have a job,” he shrugged again. “I wouldn’t have to-- I wouldn’t have to do what I did.” 

 

“Can you tell me what it is you did?” She asked not unkindly. “Can you say the words?”

 

“It’s in my file isn’t it?” Philip asked her. 

 

“Yes,” she told him. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. 

 

“I wouldn’t want it to be exactly like it was before, because I had sex for money,” he mumbled. As he said it, though, his shoulders sagged as if a tremendous weight had been lifted. After that, talking to her was easier. 

As he walked out afterwards, Gabe was there waiting for him. 

 

“How was it?” Gabe asked as he walked with Philip back to the car. 

 

“Better than I thought,” Philip said, giving Gabe a small smile. 

 

-

 

Philip sat in the shower, scrubbing at his body until the water went cold. He’d thrown up twice, afterwards, but now he felt dirty. He couldn’t stop heaving, coughing up what he’d had to swallow earlier that night. He hated everything about what he’d done, but he had money in hand. He’d bought mouthwash, wasted precious cash on it because he didn’t want to abraid his gums after what he’d done in case something-- 

 

He dry heaved in the shower again, because there was nothing in his stomach to come up. He shook, from the cold water that poured over him, more so because of what he’d done. When he finally emerged from the shower, his mother was passed out on the couch with her current boyfriend, the needle visible on the side table. Philip closed his eyes, walking out the door. He was going to buy food, finally. Eggs, milk, bread, and anything else the wad of cash in his hand could buy him. 

 

Because he could. 

 

-

 

“You want to what?” Philip asked with a laugh, because there was no way what Lukas just said wasn’t a joke. 

 

“I want to go on a date,” Lukas said, his voice serious. “A picnic.” 

 

“A picnic?” Philip said in awe, grinning. “How romantic.” 

 

Lukas pushed at him in gest. “Fuck off,” Lukas laughed. “I mean it. You, me, my bike, food, a blanket.” 

 

“Okay,” Philip said, trying to hide a genuine smile. “That sounds great.”

 

“Tomorrow?” Lukas asked. It would be a Saturday. “We could leave after I do my chores.” 

 

“What if we took Gabe’s boat out on the water instead?” Philip asked. “I could ask him.” 

 

“No,” Lukas said too quickly. Philip looked away from him. “I mean, with my bike we could go anywhere. Anyone could see us on the lake.” 

 

“You’re right,” Philip said. “We don’t want to be seen.” 

 

“Exactly,” Lukas agreed. 

 

-

 

Philip waited on the porch, his knee bouncing. He had a blanket with him, because Lukas said he would bring the food. He wasn’t sure that Lukas would come all the way to his house, but he promised. Time passed slowly, but Philip perked up when he heard the bike in the distance. Gabe was home, but Philip told him that he and Lukas were going to go film Lukas jumping, nothing more. Philip had his camera with him, but nothing else. The blanket was shoved in his messenger bag for easy transport. When Lukas pulled up, he skid to a stop, a smile on his face as he got off the bike, tossing Philip a helmet. 

 

“You ready?” Lukas asked. His giddiness was contagious, causing Philip to smile as well. 

 

“Yeah,” Philip said as Lukas handed him a backpack, heavy with food. As Philip climbed onto the bike behind Lukas, Gabe came outside. “Just wave, I told him we were filming,” Philip said as Lukas stilled. Philip waved his hand, then Lukas. Gabe joined them, sipping on a cup of coffee as he sat down on one of the rocking chairs on the porch. 

 

“Let’s go,” Philip said to Lukas, holding on tight to Lukas as they sped away. Looking over his shoulder, Philip watched as Gabe disappeared from view. He laughed, squeezing his arms around Lukas, enjoying the feel of the wind against him, biting him in the coolness of the day, of his body close to Lukas’, his thighs pressed up against him. 

 

They rode on and on, through winding roads, up into the wilderness. When Lukas finally stopped, Philip was chilled, but happy to get off the motorbike. With wobbly legs, Philip stretched out a little as he and Lukas walked a little ways away from where Lukas parked the bike, but kept it in view. They’d gone up a dirt road and were in the middle of nowhere with plenty of daylight left. 

 

“How did you know this was here?” Philip asked. 

 

“I was going to bring Rose here,” Lukas said, kicking at a rock as they cleared an area to put down their blanket. Philip pursed his lips as he took off the backpack of food, then his blanket from the messenger bag. “But I didn’t bring her, I brought you.” 

 

Philip gave him a smile, rolling his eyes as they both took a side of the blanket, lifting it in the air so it could drop nicely onto the dirt ground. Philip took his shoes off before stepping onto the blanket, not wanting to get the top of it dirty. Lukas followed suit, sitting cross legged as he opened the backpack. Inside it was a small soft cooler that had sodas in it, along with sandwiches and snacks. 

 

“Wow,” Philip said, looking at the individually wrapped sandwiches. “You did all of this?”

 

“Yeah,” Lukas said with an uneasy laugh. “Why wouldn’t I?” 

 

Philip was touched. He hadn’t expected this, at all. He expected, well, something else entirely. He unwrapped the sandwich, surprised to find it to be ham and cheese, stacked thick with the meat, not one or two thin pieces like he usually ate. 

 

“Wow,” he repeated. 

 

“You already said that,” Lukas said, watching Philip eat. 

 

“Well, I’m shocked,” Philip said as Lukas took out potato salad as well, and two plastic spoons. “I can’t believe this.” 

 

“Well believe it, asshole. I made this for us,” he said smugly. “By made I mean I bought the salad at the store and put it in another container.” 

 

“My hero,” Philip laughed. Lukas fed Philip a spoon full of potato salad, to which Philip took, but ended up laughing as he chewed it. “You’re ridiculous.” 

 

“Why do you say that,” Lukas said earnestly. “Isn’t this what we wanted? To be able to do this?” That sobered Philip, because Lukas was right. What he wanted had been to do exactly this, be open and to be able to go on dates. This was their first date, Philip’s first date ever, and he was sitting here laughing like it wasn’t real. 

 

“Yes,” Philip said, reaching out for Lukas’ hand. “This is exactly what I wanted.”

 

“Good,” Lukas said, leaning in and kissing Philip on the lips. “I want to be better to you, you know.” 

 

“Oh yeah?” Philip asked, taking another bite of his sandwich. He didn’t know how to stop being sarcastic instead of showing how hurt he was, therapy or no. Not wanting to ruin what they had, he took another bite. 

 

“Yeah,” Lukas said, looking at his own half eaten sandwich. “I know it was wrong, what I did. Everything I did, but I just-- I don’t know what to do, and the fight, and the video-- it was stupid. I was stupid.” 

 

“Apology accepted,” Philip said honestly. Lukas nodded his head, looking around the woods that surrounded them. He swallowed visibly, then looked back to Philip. “I mean, if you push me again, or punch me--”

 

“I won’t,” Lukas said. “I swear I’m so sorry, Philip.” 

 

Philip hesitated, looking from Lukas’ hands to his face, then nodded his head. 

 

“I’ve never been on a date, so I don’t have much to, you know, hold this against, but making food and shit, it’s good.” 

 

“You’ve never been on a date?” Lukas asked. Philip shook his head, taking another bite and finishing off his sandwich. “But you said you’d done stuff before.” 

 

Philip rolled his eyes as he shoveled more potato salad on his spoon. 

 

“Doing ‘stuff’ isn’t the same as going on dates,” he said with his mouth full. “I’ve messed around with guys, but none of them made me a sandwich.” 

 

“So I’m your first,” Lukas said, wagging his eyebrows, making Philip laugh. 

 

“Yeah, first sandwich date,” Philip said as Lukas leaned in to kiss him. Lukas was relaxed, knowing that no one was around to catch them. It was freeing, knowing they were completely alone and the problems they had in Tivoli felt far away and unimportant. They continued kissing, scooting closer and closer together until Philip was in Lukas’ lap. Panting against each other, Lukas reached for his backpack, breaking the kiss to show Philip a box of condoms and lube that was hidden in the bottom of the bag. 

 

Philip shivered, his throat going dry. He hesitated too long, because Lukas backtracked. 

 

“I just thought-- you had a condom in the cabin--”

 

“No,” Philip said, grabbing at Lukas, not wanting him to back away. “No it’s fine,” he said, though his heart beat fast in his chest. “We can do whatever you want,” he heard himself say. 

 

“We don’t have to use them,” Lukas said, his hands over Philip’s because he clutched at Lukas’ jacket. “I liked what we did last time, we could do that again. I just thought that’s what you wanted.” Philip closed his eyes, resting his head on Lukas’ shoulder for a moment, the two of them breathing as they calmed down.   
“I want to have sex with you,” Philip said, opening his eyes. “But I don’t think that’s smart,” he whispered. 

 

“Okay,” Lukas said, his voice confused as Philip felt. “Why not?” 

 

“Because you barely-- we aren’t ready,” Philip said. “We can mess around all you want, alright? I’ll blow you again, I just, I don’t know. I haven’t done anal, have you?” Lukas, wide-  
eyed, shook his head that he hadn’t. Philip laughed, licking his lips as he carded his fingers through his hair. “Well, for instance,” he said. “Neither of us are prepared.” 

 

“Prepared?” Lukas asked. Philip cleared his throat as he nodded his head. He still sat straddling Lukas, but they weren’t kissing. Lukas had his hands resting on Philip’s hips, and Philip had his on Lukas’ shoulders. 

 

“Yeah,” Philip said with a sigh. “Like, if we tried to fuck, we would make a mess, think about it.” Lukas made a face. “If we do this, I want to make sure that doesn’t happen. We gotta, like, talk about it beforehand. Plan.”

 

“Plan,” Lukas said. “Like who’s gonna top?”

 

“Yeah,” Philip said, clearing his throat. Lukas grinned. “Which do you want to do?” 

 

“Me?” Lukas asked, shrugging. “I mean, I was good with the blowjob.” 

 

“Do you actually want to have sex?” Philip asked. “Because not everyone does.” 

 

“Isn’t that like, the point?” Lukas asked. “To have sex?” 

 

Philip thought about it for a moment before answering. 

 

“Like, before you met me, did you want to have sex with Rose?” 

 

“Not really,” Lukas said. “I mean, I went out with her because I thought that I had to want that. Everyone around me was hooking up and she was there, and I just--” Lukas sighed. “Some date this is, I brought you up here to like, be alone and shit and we are sitting here talking.” 

 

“Talking is important to, you know. We can’t just sit down at lunch at school and talk about this shit,” Philip said. “It’s a good date,” he added a few moments later. “So if you didn’t want to have sex with Rose, then when you think of me, or anyone really, do you-- do you picture yourself having sex?” 

 

Again, Lukas shrugged. 

 

“I don’t usually think about it, you mean like when I jack off?” Philip nodded his head. “I just like the feel of it. This is weird, talking about it.” 

 

“You’re telling me,” Philip said with a short laugh. “I don’t know what I’m talking about either, but if we are going to sneak around and find a way to make this work, then I want to make sure it’s what you want.” Philip looked down at his hands, taking a deep breath. “As long as you have a choice, you should make it willingly.” 

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Lukas asked, his brow furrowed. Philip looked at his hands, unable to tell Lukas what he’d been through, how many times he’d been with some random guy because he wanted to eat, not because he wanted the sexual act itself. He swallowed, looking up at him with a grim smile. 

 

“It means that, for maybe the first time in my life, I want to have sex, but I’m not sure I’m ready yet.” 

 

Silence fell between them. 

 

“But you said before that you’d done stuff,” Lukas stated. Philip rolled his eyes. He’d started the conversation, this was all on him. If he’d kept his mouth shut, they’d be making out. “Right?” 

 

“Right,” Philip said. “I’ve blown guys, but I didn’t feel anything for them,” Philip said, which was the truth. “I feel... stuff... for you.” His words were stilted, but he pushed forward anyways. “Happy? I like you.” 

 

Lukas grinned at him, leaning forward, kissing Philip. Philip closed his eyes, meeting Lukas’ lips with his own, smiling as Lukas cupped his face with his hands, deepening the kiss. 

 

“You like me,” Lukas teased, kissing down Philip’s neck. Philip rolled his eyes again, but laughed as he did it, pushing Lukas back from him in jest. “Come on,” Lukas said, tugging Philip down on top of him as he laid back on the blanket. “I’ve never just, you know, laid out on a blanket like this with anyone. It’s always been, I don’t know. With Rose it was like ‘oh no, we can’t’ because she wasn’t ready, which I was fine with you know?” Philip wasn’t sure, but he thought this was the most that Lukas had ever said to him without lashing out because he couldn’t handle his emotions. He didn’t interrupt him, his hand resting on Lukas’ chest as he watched him talk, elbow keeping his head propped him. 

 

“Anyways, you asked what I wanted,” Lukas said. “And I want this,” he said, looking around them. “Just this.” 

 

Philip smiled, genuine and pure as he looked around them. They were alone, at peace, their cares left back in Tivoli. 

 

“I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’d like to come again,” Lukas said, laughing. “Because you’re amazing, but just chillin’ is good.” 

 

“Just chillin, huh?” Philip asked. “Is that like Netflix and chill?” 

 

“No,” Lukas said, pushing at Philip who rolled over onto his back. Lukas hovered over him, then bent down to kiss him. “Chill like, look up at the stars at night, or go for a long bike ride together, just you me and the wind.” 

 

“Hmm,” Philip hummed, thinking about it. 

 

“I think Gabe has a telescope,” Philip said, tilting his head. “If you want to come over tonight.” Lukas stilled. “We don’t have to make it gay, like you said. We can chill. Guys chill together all the time,” Philip said. “We can be friends.” 

 

“Friends,” Lukas said, looking up and down Philip’s body like he wanted to do it with his hands. 

 

“Friends when we chill, then more when we are alone,” Philip said. “If you wanted to be.” 

 

“People will talk.”

 

Philip rolled his eyes. 

 

“You’re all I have, you know,” Philip admitted, swallowing as he reached for Lukas’ shirt. “At school, no one talks to me.” 

 

“I’m sorry about that,” Lukas said, wincing. “They’re all a bunch of--”

 

“Close minded bigots?” Philip said, raising an eyebrow. Lukas shrugged. “I get it, you know, not wanting to be seen with me at school, but it hurts.” 

 

Lukas looked trapped, like he was about to flee, so Philip sighed, vowing to change the subject. It turned out, though, that he didn’t have to. 

 

“Tomorrow, I want you to eat lunch with me,” Lukas said. 

 

Philip narrowed his eyes at him. “You aren’t going to punch me again are you?” 

 

“No,” Lukas said, kissing Philip on the lips. “I think we should do the friend and chill thing. You’re right, we can hang out like normal guys, too.” 

 

“I’m sorry say that again,” Philip said, smirking. 

 

“We can hang out like--”

 

“Not that part,” Philip said, grinning broadly. “The part where you said I’m right.” Lukas made a face, tickling Philip until he couldn’t breathe. “Stop, stop!” Philip laughed. “You win!” 

 

“That’s right,” Lukas said, kissing Philip again. “And you’re right about that, too.” 

 

“Hah,” Philip said, capturing Lukas’ kiss with his own. 

 

-

 

“Is it okay if Lukas comes over tonight?” Philip asked at dinner. Helen and Gabe sat there in silence, staring at Philip and not each other. “Just to hang.”

 

“On a school night?” Helen asked. Gabe gave her a look. 

 

“You guys have fun filming today?” Gabe asked. Philip nodded his head, moving his brussel sprouts around on his plate. He found he wasn’t fond of them, but didn’t want to look ungrateful. 

 

“Yeah,” Philip said. “We uh, talked about some of the stuff that’s happened and figured if we hung out more then... you know.” 

 

“I’m not sure--”

 

“I think that would be great,” Gabe said, interrupting Helen. She gave him a look. “But I think since it’s a school night, he should be home at a decent time. Lights out at ten,” Gabe said. 

 

“I don’t like to think of him driving that motorbike in the dark on these gravel roads at night,” Helen said, taking a sip of her drink. “So as long as his father knows, maybe drops him off and Gabe or I can bring him home.” 

 

“We aren’t kids,” Philip said bluntly. Gabe smiled, Helen looked surprised at his rebuke. He looked at his plate. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I just-- Lukas drives it all of the time at night.” 

 

“Still,” Helen said. “I don’t want to get a call from his father--”

 

“I’m sure that won’t happen, Helen,” Gabe said reassuringly. “Philip, go ahead and tell Lukas that he can come over whenever he wants.” 

 

Usually no phones were allowed at the table, after Helen kept getting calls and texts, so Philip waited until after dinner was over and the dishes were done before he ran upstairs and texted Lukas that he was in the clear to head over. Within seconds Lukas said he was on his way, and Philip couldn’t help but grin. He jumped in the shower, washing up as fast as he could before getting out. 

 

He was barely dressed before the doorbell rang. He ran down the stairs, but didn’t reach it in time before Helen answered it. Philip stopped mid-step on the stairs his body freezing when he saw who was at the door: it wasn’t Lukas. 

 

It was the killer. 

 

“I wasn’t expecting to see you at my door,” Helen said to the man, and Philip couldn’t believe his eyes as the man walked through the threshold, coming into the house. They made eye contact for a second, and Philip couldn’t breathe. 

 

“Philip, why don’t you come on down here to wait for Lukas,” Helen suggested. “We can talk in my office,” she said, “my foster son is about to have company.” 

 

Philip stepped slowly down the stairs, his chest rising and falling quickly as he held onto the stair railing. He walked slowly down the hallway, towards Helen’s office to see if he could hear why Helen was consorting with a killer, when Gabe stepped up behind him. 

 

“Why don’t we head into the living room?” He asked, putting a hand on Philip’s shoulder, squeezing it tight. “Give them some privacy.”

 

“Who-- who is that?” Asked Philip. “Why is he here?”

 

“Has to be someone with the investigation,” Gabe said, giving Philip a knowing look. “I know, everything that’s happened with the bodies found at the Waldenbeck cabin and your friends who died, and that girl-- it’s all a lot but we have to trust Helen to do her job and part of that job is also keeping you safe.” 

 

“Me?” Philip asked. 

 

“Yeah,” Gabe said seriously. “Both Helen and I are worried about you, Philip. Just like we are for the rest of the teenagers in this area with what’s been going on. She wanted to talk to you about this, but I think now is a good time: if you see anyone dealing or doing drugs, you tell Helen, alright?”

 

“Of course,” Philip said, his hands clasped in his lap, eyes darting back to the room where Helen met with the killer. “Gabe I--”

 

The doorbell rang, and Philip jumped. He’d been about to tell Gabe everything, tell him that the killer was right there, how he’d almost killed Philip, how they’d seen him kill those men in the cabin, how Lukas had been with him. Lukas would be furious with him, if he knew. 

 

Philip stood up, running his fingers through his hair. 

 

“I’m going to get that, it’s Lukas,” he murmured as Gabe watched him walk to the door. Upon opening it, Lukas smiled at him uneasily, but Philip couldn’t help but feel relieved just the same. 

 

“Hey,” Philip said. “Uh, my room is upstairs.”

 

“Okay,” Lukas said, stepping inside. “Hi, Mr. Caldwell,” Lukas waved. 

 

“Hi, Lukas,” Gabe said, standing up, his hands in his pockets. “Philip, remember what I said.”

 

“I will,” Philip said, leading Lukas quickly up the stairs and into his room. Once inside with the door shut, Philip rest his back against it. 

 

“Dude, what gives?” Lukas asked. 

 

“He’s downstairs,” Philip hissed. 

 

“Who? Gabe? Yeah--”

 

“No, not Gabe. The killer, the killer is downstairs talking to Helen.” 

 

“What?” Lukas said, wide-eyed, horror stricken. 

 

“Yeah,” Philip said, reaching out for Lukas. “He just showed up to talk to Helen after dinner and she acted like she knew him,” Philip whispered harshly as Lukas put his arms around Philip, because they couldn’t do much else but hold each other. “I don’t know what to do.” 

 

Lukas was silent, and Philip didn’t blame him. The killer who was after them was downstairs, in Philip’s house. They both heard a creak outside Philip’s bedroom door and pushed away from each other as a knock came at the door. 

 

“Yeah?” Philip asked, opening the door to find Helen standing there. 

 

“Sorry to interrupt,” Helen said, giving them both a smile. “Hi, Lukas.” 

 

“Hi,” Lukas said, waving awkwardly. 

 

“What are you two up to?” She asked. 

 

“We were going to look at the... stars,” Philip said. “I saw that Gabe had a telescope.” 

 

“Oh,” Helen said, sounding surprised. “He does, along with a star chart; want me to get him to help you guys set it up?” 

 

“Nah,” Philip said. “I mean, I asked his permission already if I could use it. We were going to take it out to the dock, for less light pollution.”

 

“That makes sense,” Helen said. “Bring blankets out there with you, it gets chilly.” 

 

“We will,” Lukas said, giving her a smile. 

 

“Alright,” Helen said, looking between them again. Philip felt uneasy. “Well, I’ll just leave you two to it, then.” The two of them gave her an awkward smile. 

 

“We’re just gonna grab some blankets,” Philip said, pointing back into his room. 

 

“Sure,” Helen said, disappearing down the hall. Once she was gone, Lukas exchanged a look with Philip, both of them wide eyed and mouthing ‘what was that?’ at each other. 

 

“Come on,” Philip said. “Let’s get our stuff and go.” 

 

Philip grabbed his hoodie and two blankets. They stopped by Gabe’s office and got his telescope and star char, after he explained to them how to use it for what day it was, along with the time. Once they were out on the dock, alone, Lukas spoke up. 

 

“So are we just going to pretend nothing happened?” 

 

“I don’t know,” Philip said, looking through the telescope lens. “I don’t know what we can do without telling Helen at least that we know who the killer is, that he was in her house.” 

 

“She’ll want to know how, though,” Lukas almost whined. 

 

“Yep,” Philip said, moving the telescope, trying to find something to look at. It was harder than he thought it would be, considering how many stars were out. “If you don’t want me to talk, I won’t,” he reiterated. “It would be hard to tell them I’ve been lying to them this entire time.” 

 

“Did he recognize you?” Lukas asked. 

 

“No,” Philip said, finally looking back at Lukas, who looked like a deer caught in the headlights again. “I don’t think so. I think he thought I was Tommy, you know, because of my jacket.”

 

“Helen gave it back to you right?” Lukas asked. 

 

“Yeah,” Philip said, thinking about where he’d left it, hanging in the mudroom, which the killer had walked through. His eyes widened. “Shit.”

 

“What?” Lukas asked. 

 

“He might have seen it when he walked into the house,” Philip said, panicking. “But, but it was dark in the mudroom so maybe not. Maybe he didn’t see anything, but if he did, I’m fucking dead.” Lukas put his arms around Philip, calming him down, or attempting to. Philip closed his eyes, trying to feel the beat of Lukas’ heart as he pressed his cheek to Lukas’ shoulder. He backed away from him, looking back at the house. “They can probably see our silhouettes,” Philip whispered. 

 

Lukas looked as well, at the windows, but no one was standing in them. 

 

“This is so fucked,” Lukas said. “I thought we were safe.” 

 

“I did too,” Philip said with a sigh. “Do you want to go inside?” 

 

“No,” Lukas said. “I want to stay out here with you, like we said we were going to do. Just chill.” 

 

“Chill,” Philip said, though he felt nothing of the sort. He felt exposed, out in the open with Lukas. He reminded himself he wasn’t doing anything wrong, that they were just hanging out and that he wasn’t about to be murdered in front of Gabe and Helen’s house, not when she was a sheriff. 

 

They stayed out there for a long time underneath the stars.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> over halfway done, now!
> 
> EDIT: This chapter contains a panic attack. 
> 
> as always, heed tags and the fact that I chose not to archive warnings is checked! this fic is heavy, dark, and to please use discretion when deciding to read it--- it only gets darker from here. thanks!

Philip slept in a bed with his mother on most nights because they only had one. If she had a boyfriend and he stayed over, Philip stayed on the couch. He didn’t have his own room, his things lived in a corner of the room, kept together as best he could. He didn’t have toys anymore, didn’t have a need of them. They’d all been Goodwill buys anyway, so back to Goodwill they went. Philip was an adult in a child’s body. He didn’t fight what happened to him, to his mom, always remaining calm. Her boyfriends hit her, threatened him on more than one occasion. Until Philip met Gabe, he thought obscurely that that was how men showed that they cared. If you fucked up, you got slapped. 

 

If a man comes into your mother’s life, he will replace you. 

 

Curled up on the couch, Philip could hear noises from his mother’s room. He shut his eyes, covering his head with his pillow because he knew what they were doing, but he didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t like Joe, his mother’s current boyfriend, and Joe definitely didn’t like Philip. Philip winced as he sat up, sleep evading him. Joe had backed him into a door handle the night before, his hand on Philip’s throat when he’d come home ‘past his curfew’ that didn’t exist. He’d never had a curfew in his entire life, and because he could, Joe made one up for him because he was drunk and high. 

 

Despite the fact that there was a doorknob in his side and a man bigger than him had his hand clamped around Philip’s throat, he was oddly calm as he blankly looked at Joe as he raged at him. In Philip’s pockets were wads of cash from the night, and he’d eaten. He’d provided for himself, and for his mother. Nothing else mattered, not Joe and his whiskey breath, or his mother, who sat by idly in a fog, watching the TV. 

 

“What do you say?” Joe asked, pressing Philip against the door harder. Philip blinked at him. He hadn’t been paying attention. 

 

“What?” Philip asked. It got him a wallop over the head, and he went sprawling to the ground. Philip cupped his ear, the sound deadening in it for a for seconds before returning. Joe stood over him, poised to kick. 

 

“I won’t stay out,” Philip said, though he didn’t know how loud. His mother was there, imploring Joe to get away from him by tugging his arm. She didn’t look at Philip, but he knew she was worried about him. “I’ll be home on time,” he parroted. He tried to get to his feet, but his head hurt. Joe let him get up, so he walked over to his mother, handed her one of the wads of cash as he hugged her before heading into the bedroom, leaving the door open even though he wanted to slam it shut. He grabbed a clean pair of clothes as if nothing happened, then went into the bathroom to shower off all of the gross men he’d touched that night. 

 

In the shower, Philip stared at the grimy tiles that lined the bath. Tears didn’t come, because they didn’t need to. He was okay, his mother was okay, Joe took his anger out on Philip, not on her, which was good. She was too thin, too frail. He was fourteen, but he felt older, more hardened than his classmates that surrounded him all day long. He wasn’t one of them, an outsider. He felt like he would always be an outsider, somehow, no matter what happened. 

 

He hoped he was wrong. 

 

-

 

Breakfast on the weekends with Gabe and Helen were a bigger deal than they needed to be, but this was over the top. There was a feast before Philip, and he felt like a prince in a fairy tale. There were eggs, bacon, sausage, toast, and croissants from the small bakery in town, crispy and flakey. Philip had never had one, so when he bit into it, he moaned at the buttery bread. 

 

“Good, right?” Gabe asked. “Not bad for a bakery out here.” 

 

Philip nodded his head as he swallowed his bite, and then taking a drink of his orange juice.  
“What’s going on?” Philip asked them. “I mean, thank you for the breakfast.” 

 

Gabe and Helen exchanged glances. 

 

“Philip,” Gabe said, reaching across the table, his hand resting on Philip’s wrist. The touch ran up Philip’s body, making him shiver at the contact. “We knew today would be tough for you, so we’re going to try and make it as easy for you as we can.” Philip stared at him, jaw gaping because he had no idea what Gabe was talking about. He looked at Helen, who had her hands clasped and pressed against her mouth. 

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Philip admitted. Gabe cleared his throat as Helen took a drink from her juice, he eyes widening. 

 

“It’s been a year since you were arrested,” Helen said plainly, a hint of a sigh on her breath. Philip pulled his head back from Gabe, looking across the table at his princely breakfast that he did not deserve for getting arrested for prostitution. Philip covered his mouth with his hand, moving to get up. “Philip, sweetie, wait,” Helen said in a calming tone that she didn’t use often. It made Philip pause. “We, Gabe and I, want you to know that you’re safe here, with us. We want you to move on from the past, and--”

 

“And instead of dwelling on it, we thought making today about family would be better.” 

 

“Family?” Philip asked, his voice hoarse. He thought of his mother, but he didn’t think they would take him to see her again. 

 

“That’s right,” Gabe said, looking at Helen to continue. 

 

“Gabe wants to take you out on his boat, then we have it set up with Bo Waldenbeck to go horseback riding at his ranch.”

 

“Bo’s ranch,” Philip repeated, voice vacant. He hadn’t even thought about the date, wasn’t sure he would have ever remembered the exact date he’d gotten arrested, because he’d had to wait for a pro bono lawyer, and his one phone call had been for naught because his mother had been too high to answer the landline. Philip sat there, replaying those days. Blinking rapidly, he looked at Helen before speaking. “We can do whatever you guys have planned,” Philip said. He had no feelings either way. He didn’t have plans with Lukas, so it wasn’t like he was going to do anything else. If they wanted to do these things, then he would do them. 

 

Philip smiled at them, he hoped warmly, like he should, but inside he felt nothing. He thought about how much horseback riding cost, about Gabe making his own boat, about how much bacon and sausage both cost and how much of it was on the table in front of them. If he’d had a quarter of it when he-- 

 

It was no use thinking about the past, and wishing things were different because they weren’t and they wouldn't ever be. Philip made a mistake and was caught. If it wasn’t for the fact that he’d propositioned a cop, he would still be doing what he’d been doing for two years. 

 

Two years. If he hadn’t been caught he would still go to the corner at night. That thought, that single thought had Philip bending over, his head between his knees in the chair. 

 

“Philip,” Gabe said, placing a tentative hand on Philip’s back. 

 

“I’m okay,” Philip said, his eyes shut tight. “I just need a moment.” 

 

“We don’t have to do any of those things if you don’t want to,” Helen said, thinking that was what had Philip almost dry heaving. Philip shook his head. 

 

“No, we can,” he said, breathless. Gabe’s hand on his back slid up and down, in calming almost circles that Philip paid attention to. “I just--” he almost told them what he thought about. But his therapist said that maybe if he told them more, he would feel freer. “I just thought about how if I hadn’t been caught, I would still-- I would still be there.” 

 

“Oh, Philip,” Helen said, sadness filling her voice. Pity. Philip shut his eyes again, but stood up as Gabe urged him to his feet. He was enveloped in a double embrace, both Helen and Gabe wrapping their arms around him, making him feel safe in a way he wasn’t sure he’d ever felt. His mother’s hugs weren’t this all encompassing, and he’d been the one keeping her safe, not the other way around. Philip let himself be hugged, the three of them swaying slightly. It was then that he realized Helen was crying, her shoulders moving as her breath hitched. 

 

“I’m sorry for making you cry,” Philip said lowly. 

 

“Don’t be sorry,” Helen said, laughing as she wiped at her face. She looked at Philip with teary eyes, hesitating before tucking his hair behind his ear. “I just--” she sighed, giving him a small smile. “I think that was a good step, what just happened.” Gabe nodded his head, patting Helen’s back. Philip shrugged, because he didn’t know anything about steps. 

 

“I think I’m going to heat up my plate,” Philip said. “It’s probably cold.” 

 

“Good idea,” Helen said. “It would be a shame to waste all of this food.” 

 

The idea of all of the food going to waste horrified Philip, but he didn’t say anything as he ate as much as he could before he was so full it was painful. 

 

“Once we let our stomachs settle, we’re going out on the water,” Gabe said. “But for now, let’s find something on the TV, your choice.” 

 

“Oh, I see how today is going to go,” Philip joked as he took the remote when Gabe handed it over. “This is a lot of pressure.” 

 

“There isn’t much to choose from at nine in the morning on a Saturday.”

 

“True,” Philip said, flipping through the channel guide, trying to find something bearable. “Roseanne is on,” Philip said, putting the remote down. Philip loved Roseanne more than he was willing to admit. Their family was his ideal, growing up when he caught reruns. They weren’t perfect, because he didn’t want perfect, but they were a family. Dan was the father he would never have, and Roseanne, well. He wished he was DJ, wished he had older sisters and a quirky aunt. 

 

“If that’s what you want to watch,” Gabe said quietly. 

 

Philip nodded, putting the remote down. “Definitely,” he whispered, making himself comfortable on the couch. Eventually, Helen joined them after cleaning up. Philip was enraptured by the episode, totally zoning out as he watched. When the credits rolled and another started up, he was surprised when Gabe moved. 

 

“Feeling a little less full?” Gabe asked, patting his stomach. Philip nodded his head, frowning because he wanted to watch more. Gabe looked at the TV, pointing at it. “You know, you can record anything you want, our DVR isn’t ever full.” 

 

“Okay,” Philip said, fiddling with the remote as Gabe went to go find his shoes. Once he was out of the room, Philip set it up to do just that, recording the whole marathon, for later.  
-

 

Out on the water, Philip’s arms were already sore from the strain; he wasn’t used to rowing. The wind felt good as they moved across the lake, the scenery going by them slowly, but steadily. When they stopped eventually, to rest, Philip discarded his jacket because he was sweating. 

 

“It’s so peaceful out here,” Gabe said, breathing in the fresh air. “I miss the city, sometimes, but then I come out here and remember that we wanted to get away.” 

 

“What do you mean?” Philip asked. 

 

“Helen and I went through some things, and we went to therapy for it, moved out here to start over. Sometimes, Philip, you need to take that step and start over. In the end, it’s worth it.” Philip looked out over the water, thinking. 

 

“I don’t want to go back,” Philip said, admitting it outloud as well as to himself. Gabe didn’t say anything, but smiled as he, too, looked out at the scenery around them. “I like it here, with you guys. I miss my mom, but I don’t miss anything else.” 

 

“You don’t have to go back if you don’t want to.” 

 

“Won’t it be like giving up on her? If I don’t go back to her.” 

 

“Maybe she doesn’t want to go back either, maybe she will want to leave Queens.” 

 

“I don’t think so,” Philip said, sighing. “She grew up there.”

 

“So did you.” 

 

“I didn’t have what she did. My grandparents were -- were like you and Helen,” he said. “But they died.” 

 

“Your father’s family?” Gabe asked hesitantly. Philip snorted, not looking at him. 

 

“As far as I’m concerned, you’re the closest thing to a father I’ve ever had,” he said without thinking, the words pouring out of him. 

 

“Philip,” Gabe said, snapping Philip’s attention back to him. “I can definitely be that for you.” Philip nodded, swallowing the lump in his throat. “And Helen can be too, but she won’t replace Anne. No one can replace her. But you being here with us gives you a chance to be who you want to be, someone who you weren’t on your way to being a year ago.” 

 

“I’d still -- I don’t want to be that person,” Philip said, looking Gabe in the eye. “Because I wasn’t really a person, then. I don’t think I was a person.” 

 

Gabe hugged Philip again, pulling him close. Philip was emotionally drained already, and now they had to row all the way back to shore. Once they were there, they both showered before heading over to the Waldenbeck’s. 

 

The ranch was large, that much Philip knew already. He hadn’t even known Lukas had a horse, let alone that it’s name was Sunshine. He smiled as he pet her, meeting her for the first time. Bo Waldenbeck was with them, teaching Philip the rules about horses, the do’s and don’ts that Philip never knew. Lukas was nowhere to be seen, but the fact that Philip was going to ride Sunshine had him grinning. 

 

“Have fun out there,” Bo told them with a wave once they were all on their horses. Philip, a little scared, hesitated before indicating for Sunshine to move. 

 

“You aren’t going to hurt her,” Gabe reassured Philip. 

 

Philip took a deep breath, then was off following Gabe and Helen. Philip wasn’t sure that he liked being atop a horse, but Gabe and Helen seemed to enjoy it, so he listened to them chat ahead of him. He looked all around them as they went down a trail, looking for any sign of Lukas. Every so often Gabe and Helen looked back towards him, to make sure he was still there. He just didn’t have much to add to the conversation they were having about movie directors. He didn’t have a favorite, didn’t care one way or another about Tim Burton’s style versus some dude he’d never heard of. 

 

By the time they returned to the horses stalls, Philip’s ass was sore, and his legs hurt when he got down. He winced as he walked it off. 

 

“Anyone else starving?” Gabe asked. 

 

“Yeah,” Philip said, trying to stretch out his legs, probably looking a little weird in the process as he took bigger steps. They headed towards the car when Lukas came up on his bike with someone clinging on behind him. Philip pursed his lips as he watched both Lukas and Rose take off their helmets before they got off. Rose got off first, leaning in for a kiss. Philip sighed, getting in the car as Lukas looked over, catching his eye. Philip gave him a small wave, shutting the door. 

 

So much for Rose dumping him. 

 

Sulking, Philip crossed his arms as he sat low in his seat. 

 

“You okay, son?” Gabe asked. “Horse make you sick?” 

 

“Just been a long day,” Philip mumbled. He watched Lukas staring back at their car in the rearview mirror as they drove off. He held his phone in his hand, waiting for an explanation but one never came. His stomach sank as Gabe drove them towards the city. Philip sat up a little straighter. “Where are we going?” Philip asked. 

 

“For real pizza,” Gabe said, giving him a grin in the rear view mirror. Real pizza was more than an hour away from Tivoli and Red Hook, in a hole in the wall. The pizza was good, some of the best Philip ever tasted, but that could have been his hunger talking. He pushed his feelings about Lukas down into himself until it didn’t hurt anymore, keeping those thoughts next to the memories of his nightly past. At that moment, he believed they belonged next to each other. 

 

“What do you want to do, Philip?” Helen asked. 

 

“Gabe wanted to take you rowing, I wanted to take you horseback riding and for pizza. Tell us what you want,” she said, folding her hands on top of the table and leaning inwards. Philip shrugged at them both. 

 

“Today has been great,” he said. “But I think I just... I just want to have a night in,” he said, thinking about all the nights he spent out in the cold, waiting. “Maybe we can make a fire,” he said, distantly, thinking of freezing on a corner, hoping someone would pick him up just so he could be in the heat. “S’mores? Can we do s’mores and the fire pit?” He suggested. 

 

“That is an excellent idea, Philip,” Gabe said reassuringly. He always had that tone, affirming Philip’s decisions like he hadn’t ruined his life. Philip gave Gabe a smile willingly, without fear. He felt safe with Gabe and Helen. Which only reminded him that Helen knew the killer, that he was still out there. Philip had to figure out a way to find out who he was to Helen, without bringing up suspicion. He vowed to do it next time he was alone with Helen, maybe when she took him to school. 

 

They boxed up the leftover pizza, because they’d all eaten their fill, before heading back towards Tivoli. Halfway there, Helen got a phone call that she had to answer. 

 

“Sorry,” she said to Gabe as she answered it. “Hello, this is Helen Torrance.” It had to do with work, then. Philip tried not to listen in, but he could hear a man on the other end, someone who wasn’t Tony. “Yes, Agent Kane I understand that,” she said, sounding exasperated. “Well how am I supposed to-- yes you can come by. Yes. Fine. See you then.” 

 

When she hung up she was visibly shaken. 

 

“Everything alright, babe?” Gabe asked her, keeping his eyes on the road. She looked at him, then at Philip in the back seat, as if remembering he was there. 

 

“Yes,” she said, her lips a thin line as she looked down at her phone. “I have to meet Ryan Kane at the sheriff’s department as soon as I get back. He wants my evidence.” 

 

“Who?” Philip asked, not so innocently. He had a gut feeling he knew who Ryan was, and the word Agent before his name didn’t bode well. 

 

“The man who showed up the other day,” Helen said, frustrated. “I’m sorry, Philip. It won’t take long.” 

 

“Why don’t we all just swing by there, if it won’t take long?” Gabe suggested. Philip sunk down more in his seat, his knees hitting the back of Gabe’s seat. 

 

“If you want, it would be faster,” Helen said. “Instead of me driving back into town after going all the way home.” 

 

“You don’t mind do you, Philip?” Gabe asked. Philip didn’t see why he had a stake in this, he wasn’t driving and Helen needed to do it. He shrugged, frowning as he shook his head slightly. 

 

They went straight to the sheriff’s office where Ryan waited outside, leaning against his car casually. All Philip could see was that he had a gun holster and his throat went dry. He watched Helen greet him, unlocking the office door as the two of them walked inside. With shaking hands, Philip didn’t think before he texted Lukas about it, telling him that he knew the killer’s name and that he was an FBI agent. Seconds later, Lukas called. 

 

“Hey,” Philip said, licking his lips as he looked at Gabe, his heart beating fast. “Can’t really talk.” 

 

“Go ahead,” Gabe said, indicating for Philip to get out of the car. 

 

“Hold on,” Philip said, covering the receiver. “I won’t go far.”

 

“I’ll honk if Helen finishes,” Gabe said with a smile, taking out his own phone to play some game on it. Philip got out of the car, walking a little ways away from the office. 

 

“Okay,” Philip said. “We are so fucked,” he hissed. 

 

“What do you mean he’s an FBI agent? Aren’t they supposed to be the good guys?” Lukas asked in hysterics. “Like, seriously?”

 

“I don’t know, Lukas,” Philip said, tugging at his hair. He was out of view of the car, thankfully, so Gabe wouldn’t see him freak out. “All I know is that Helen is in the office right now with him. His name is Ryan Kane and he’s an agent. I don’t know anything else. You didn’t have to, like, call, I guess,” Philip said. “I don’t have anything else to tell you.”

 

“But, I just-- this is a big deal,” Lukas said. “Should I come over?” 

 

Philip looked back at the car, his face setting into a frown as he remembered Lukas earlier. He didn’t want to petty, didn’t want to let Lukas know that he’d been jealous. Not mad at Rose, but at Lukas. To be able to kiss Rose out in the open, but not be seen with Philip. They still hadn’t eaten lunch together. 

 

“No,” Philip said, scuffing his feet against the ground. “No, I think you should stay away. It would be safest, for you.” 

 

-

 

Philip paced around his room. He was alone in this now, and he had to make a decision. He should have told Helen in the first place, shouldn’t have kept Lukas’ secret because people were dead because Lukas wanted to remain in the closet. 

 

He didn’t know how to tell her now, because she would never trust him again. They would send Philip away, surely, back to a home where teenagers stayed in stagnation and bitter anger. He wouldn’t go back there again, he would rather be on the street than that. Before Gabe and Helen, he’d been miserable. Faced with leaving, Philip took a deep breath. He needed to tell them. 

 

He walked down the stairs, breathing sharply. Gabe and Helen were laughing in the kitchen, getting the s’mores ready for the fire pit. Philip felt sick. 

 

“Where’s your jacket, Philip?” Helen asked. “It’s going to be cold out there.” Philip looked down at his t-shirt, his bare feet, his shoulder slumped. He couldn’t do this, he wasn’t strong enough for this. 

 

“It’s uh, I’ll get my coat,” he said, going to the mud room and pulling on his leather jacket. He hadn’t worn it since Tommy died in it. Philip felt sick as he pulled on his shoes, foregoing socks. He could feel his pulse, the blood pumping through his veins as he took each step, hyper aware of every noise coming from the kitchen. His eyes weren’t focusing as he held onto the door jamb that lead into the kitchen. He didn’t want to tell Helen, not alone. He was so fucking alone. 

 

“Philip, you okay?” Gabe asked him, because he was always so perceptive. Philip nodded his head, feigning a smile as he pushed off of the door jamb, joining them as they went outside. Gabe and Helen both had wine to go with the s’mores, while Philip grabbed a soda. The fire was warm, the s’mores tasted good as darkness enclosed them, surrounding them completely. Philip looked up at the stars, thinking back to the week before when he and Lukas had come out here and looked up at them. One step forward, two steps back. Philip closed his eyes. 

 

“Everything going okay at school?” Helen asked him. There was a certain lilt to her words that meant nothing about his classes and everything about him being gay. Philip opened his eyes, already striped raw emotionally. 

 

“Besides no one talking to me, it’s fine,” he said, sighing. 

 

“No more fights, no more bullying?” Helen asked. 

 

“No, Lukas is fine,” Philip said, tired of being evasive. Helen and Gabe exchanged a look. “The fight wasn’t about me being gay,” Philip admitted. “It was-- it was about me talking to him at school.” 

 

“How is that different?” Helen asked, her eyebrows raised, the cadence to her voice becoming questioning and authoritative. “Why doesn’t he want you to talk to him about school, if not for that?” Philip shrugged. 

 

“How do you know Agent Kane?” Philip asked her. “Like, when did you meet him?” Helen looked taken aback but she paused only long enough to search for her answer. 

 

“I guess I met him a few weeks ago when he came to town for the investigation, why? Do you know him?” Helen asked. Philip took a deep breath, then nodded his head, but a noise just out of the light of the fire made them all jump. Philip looked up to see Lukas’ outline, the broad shoulders that were always slumped, his tall lanky form walking forward. 

 

“Lukas,” Helen said with a smile. “What brings you out here this late?” 

 

“Hi, Mrs. Torrance,” he mumbled. I was, uh, wondering if I could talk to Philip.” Philip glared at him, his mouth in a thin line. Gabe looked between Lukas and Philip, clearly both concerned and confused. 

 

“Sure,” she said, looking at Philip as if dissecting something, figuring something out for herself. 

 

Philip hoped she would, so he wouldn’t have to. He lead Lukas inside, up the stairs, and into his bedroom before they spoke. 

 

“Why are you here?” Philip asked him. Lukas stood there, staring at him with his fists loosely clenched. 

 

“Were you going to tell her?” Lukas asked. Philip clenched his own jaw, not looking at Lukas. “That’s such bullshit, you know. I trusted you.” 

 

“I wasn’t going to tell her about you,” Philip said. “We could have been doing anything at that cabin, Lukas. You rode your bike, I filmed it, we hung out--” 

 

“No,” Lukas said. “There would be no reason we’d stayed there past dark and you fucking know it.” 

Philip shoved his hands into the pockets of his jacket, looking pointedly at the ground. 

 

“I didn’t come over here to fight,” Lukas hissed. “But I’m glad I did, or you would have fucked everything up.”

 

“Me? I would have fucked everything up?” Philip said, aghast. “Me? How about you,” he said, brow furrowed. “You’re the one that came over here in the middle of the night to tell me Rose broke up with you. Was that even true? Or was that a lie to get me to blow you?” Philip asked. 

 

“That isn’t fair.”

 

“How, exactly, is it not fair?” Philip asked. 

 

“We aren’t exclusive,” Lukas said. Philip scoffed. “You never said--”

 

“I didn’t know I had to implicitly state that I didn’t want you messing around with other people, but now that I know how you feel, believe me, I’ll be sure to get some on the side as well. Does Rose know you’re cheating on her?” Philip asked. Lukas kept his mouth shut. “Of course she doesn’t, because you can’t tell her you like guys and were seeing one.” 

 

“Were?”

 

“Yeah, Lukas, were, past tense. I’m done,” Philip said, pointing at the door. “You can go.” 

 

“We didn’t even do anything,” Lukas said. “She kissed me, and then you left, but did you even see me push her away?”

 

“I’m not going to believe you anymore,” Philip said, his own heart breaking as he said the words. “I can’t believe anything you say because you just keep on manipulating me.” 

 

“Philip, please, I didn’t know she was going to kiss me, okay? We have a group project, assigned before we broke up. Please, you’re all I have.” 

 

Philip scowled. “No, I’m not all you have,” Philip said. “I’ll call you if I need you,” Philip said, tilting his head towards the door. Lukas bit his lip, taking a step forward. Philip took a step back, turning his face away from him so he couldn’t kiss him. Philip closed his eyes as he heard Lukas walk away from him, slamming the front door as he went.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heed all tags, including the bolded "chose not to archive warnings" tag even though I'm trying to tag as much as I can in this fic in general! 
> 
> so much happens in this chapter! thank you for reading and commenting :D

“You’re going where?” Helen asked. “With who?” 

 

“I’m going into the city, to see some friends. I’m going to crash on their couch.” 

 

“Who are these friends, do they have parents. I’m going to need their numbers in case I can’t reach you.” 

 

“My phone is fully charged, I’ll have it on the whole time,” Philip stated. 

 

“Helen,” Gabe said. Philip looked between them. He wanted to tell them he was going to the city instead of just disappearing again, but if Helen wasn’t going to even let him go it was pointless. 

 

“I could just go,” Philip said, not looking at either of them. “I wanted to tell you I was going so you wouldn’t worry.” 

 

“Well, I’m glad you told us your plans,” Gabe said, giving Helen a meaningful look. “But you being evasive about what you’re going to do is what has us worried.”

 

“Do you promise I can go?” Philip asked. 

 

Helen shook her head. “I reserve the right to say no,” she stated. Philip wanted to push more, to ask what they would do to keep him here, but he reminded himself that he liked it here, liked living with them, but he needed to do this. 

 

“I want to go to the city so I can go to a gay club,” he said, biting his lip. Slowly, he met both of their gazes. “It’s the only place I can think of where I can maybe, just maybe, get over... my past.” It was a load of bullshit, but he hoped they believed him. If Lukas was going to be an asshole and hook up, then Philip was free to do so too, and he knew exactly where to go. 

 

“Are you old enough to get into a club?” Gabe asked, unsure. 

 

“No, he isn’t,” Helen said, lifting an eyebrow. Philip swallowed. “Let me see your fake ID.” 

 

“I don’t have one,” Philip said, because it was true. 

 

“How are you going to get in, then?” Helen asked, curious. 

 

Philip licked his lips, shrugging. “They don’t ID cute, younger guys,” Philip stated plainly, not losing eye contact with Helen. She wasn’t amused. “I’m not going to drink.”

 

“That’s good,” Gabe said, in an attempt to keep it light. 

 

“Do you know what statutory rape is?” Helen asked, bluntly. Philip scoffed, crossing his arms. “I’m serious, Philip.” 

 

“Yes,” Philip stated. “Listen, I was being honest, because you want me to be honest. I want to go to this club, and I can even give you the name and number for it, because that’s not embarrassing to think about you calling and asking for me there,” Philip mumbled to himself. “But I need to get away from here, this town is too small,” Philip admitted. He closed his eyes. “I won’t drink, I won’t hook up with anyone over eighteen. I just need to go somewhere where I’m accepted for who I am and won’t be pushed around or glared at.” 

 

“What if I drove you,” Gabe suggested. “We could get a hotel. No curfew, but you would have a place to sleep after.” Helen glared at him. “Helen, he’s going to go either way.” 

 

“Fine,” Helen said, sighing. “I have to work all day. You two go... to the city and I swear to god, Philip, be safe.” 

 

Philip’s cheeks turned red, but he nodded his head. 

 

-

 

The drive was quiet for the first thirty minutes or so. Philip checked his phone, seeing messages from Lukas, but he ignored them. He sighed, looking out the window. 

 

“Is this a rebound thing?” Gabe asked. “Because I know I’m the straight dude here, but going to a club suddenly, after months and months of nothing like this, sounds like a rebound thing to me.” Philip smiled, rolling his eyes in jest as he looked over at Gabe. “I’m right, aren’t I?” 

 

“Something like that,” Philip said, his throat dry. “Gotta get over someone.” 

 

“Is it Lukas?” Gabe asked. Philip looked away from him. “Philip, I’m not going to tell anyone. What is said in the car this trip stays here. I know what it was like being a teenager, alright? You feel like adults can’t understand what’s going on, and the hormones--”

 

“Yes,” Philip said, covering his eyes with a hand. “I need to get over Lukas.” He let out a long shuddering sigh. “We -- we came to the city instead of the field trip.” 

 

“Oh,” Gabe said. “Okay.” 

 

“I took him to a club, but he didn’t like it.” 

 

“I see,” Gabe said. “So now you’re coming here alone-- to what, enjoy it this time?” Philip was thankful Gabe didn’t ask if Lukas was gay or not, or if they’d hooked up. 

 

“Something like that,” Philip said. “Thanks for, uh, driving.” 

 

“Don’t mention it,” Gabe said. “Sometimes I want to get out of the city, too. Tivoli is very quiet.” 

 

“I miss the noise,” Philip muttered. “And the people.” 

 

“Me too,” Gabe said, giving Philip a smile. “Helen is trying, you know. I think you telling her the truth today was good, even if it wasn’t what she wanted to hear.” 

 

“I figured it would be better to tell you where I was going,” Philip said honestly. “In case she panicked.”

 

“Helen doesn’t panic,” Gabe stated. “She figures things out, solves them as efficiently as possible. She would have dropped everything to come find you if she thought you were missing.” 

 

Philip frowned, saying nothing at the admission, his head resting on the window. 

 

-

 

One time, Philip hadn’t come home for four days. He’d been fifteen and afraid of his mother’s boyfriend. It was summer, so he stayed out because he could. He only returned because he wanted a shower and to sleep on a bed. No one noticed he’d been gone. 

 

-

 

The music in the club was loud, and Philip could feel the bass deep within him as he moved against the crowd, dancing along with them. He didn’t have a problem getting in with his fake ID. He’d lied about it, but that was because he wasn’t about to give it up. It was legit, and he’d paid dearly for it when he was still pulling tricks. He’d been there thirty minutes and already kissed two guys, danced with one that had his hands on his ass, and been propositioned. It felt good to know that he wasn’t some outcast, that he was wanted. Philip longed to be wanted, even if it was by strangers. 

 

His phone wasn’t on silent, because he’d promised Helen, so he felt it every time Lukas tried to message him. Mind fuzzy off of the exhilaration of being touched, Philip thought briefly about blocking Lukas’ number. 

 

He had his hands on a guy’s crotch, about to ask if they wanted to find a corner, when his phone began ringing. Thinking it was Helen, Philip disappeared into the crowd, leaving his almost hook-up behind. 

 

It wasn’t Helen, but Lukas. Philip scowled, but still answered anyway. 

 

“What.”

 

“Where are you?” Lukas asked. He was barely audible. 

 

“I’m at a club,” Philip stated. “What do you want?” 

 

“I wanted to talk--”

 

“Nope,” Philip said into the receiver, then hung up. He wasn’t dealing with Lukas’ internalized homophobia right now. He couldn’t take it anymore, at least at that moment. He wasn’t a selfish person, at least he didn’t think he was. He put Lukas first over and over again, and all he did was push him away or lie to him. He didn’t actually want Philip, he only wanted someone to -- someone to help him figure out what was happening to him, who he was. Philip wasn’t sure if he could be who Lukas needed him to be, if he was strong enough for the push and pull that was Lukas Waldenbeck. 

 

Taking a deep breath, Philip pushed his way back into the crowd, finding his almost hook-up, sliding back into where he had been dancing. They seemed into him, still, and he lost himself in the feel of the bass that filled the club, along with hands that groped him like he was irresistible, someone to be lusted after. Philip closed his eyes as they kissed on the dance floor, out in the open, like it was no big deal, because here it wasn’t. Philip’s heart ached because _this_ was what he wanted when he brought Lukas here, but he’d been too afraid. Philip deepened the kiss as his hook-up gripped his ass, his hands sliding into Philip’s jeans pockets. The mere concept that someone would want him without paying him, or without pushing him away first was intoxicating. 

 

“You want to get out of here?” They asked him. He nodded his head, grasping at their shirt. They didn’t exchange names, didn’t feel the need to as Philip was lead out of the crowd, back towards the bathrooms. Philip’s pulse thumped in his ears as he was pressed against a wall, deep in the dark crevices of the club. Beside him, another couple did the same, hands down pants in desperation. Gasping as a mouth bit down on his collarbone, tongue laving across it to soothe the sting, Philip closed his eyes. It was out in the open, in public, but he was surrounded by guys doing the exact same thing as they were. The man he was with was older, definitely older than eighteen, and Philip felt like a ragdoll in his hands as he was slid up the wall, his legs hooking around them as they kissed him, their hands on his ass. 

 

“I thought we were going to leave,” Philip managed to get out. He could feel their erection pressing against his ass, his body arching and shuddering against him. A thumb brushed against Philip’s lips as they looked into his eyes, then down at his pliant mouth. 

 

“Wanna fuck you,” he said. “Right now.” Philip held his hands against the other man’s arms as he managed to get his feet back against the floor. His crotch got grabbed, pinning him against the wall. 

 

“You like that?” 

 

Philip didn’t answer as he looked around him at everyone else engaging in various sexual acts. He looked up at the dim lights and bit his lip. He’d wanted his last bit of innocence, in a way, to not be in some seedy back alley or club. He’d thought that he and Lukas, maybe-- 

 

“Hey,” the man said, grabbing Philip’s chin, getting his attention. There was a condom in his other hand. Philip’s eyes widened. “Do you want this or not?” 

 

At least they asked nicely. 

 

“I don’t think so,” Philip said, shaking. “I’m sorry,” he uttered. Surprisingly, he got a smile for his honesty. 

 

“Hey, kid, don’t ever let someone take from you what you aren’t willing to give. You’re a good kisser,” they offered. Philip kissed them one more time before slipping back out into the crowd even though he didn’t feel much like dancing anymore. 

 

He headed out shortly after, seeking the cold night air before heading down the street to hop on the subway towards the hotel. As much as he missed the city, he also longed for his own bed and the quiet of Gabe and Helen’s house. 

 

When he got to the hotel room, Gabe was still up, reading a book in bed. He looked at the clock, then at Philip, his eyes searching him. 

 

“You’re back early,” Gabe stated. “Everything okay?” 

 

“Yeah,” Philip said, running his fingers through his hair. “I just didn’t feel like dancing anymore.” Gabe’s eyes caught on Philip’s neck for a second, making him self-conscious. He covered his neck with his hand. “I’m going to shower,” he said, grabbing his things quickly before heading into the bathroom. 

 

He took his time in the shower, thinking about Lukas, about the stranger who was nicer than Philip had given him credit for. He’d expected shouting, at least being called a tease, to be pushed up against the wall and told he would take what was offered no matter what. None of those things had happened, and yet Philip felt like a shell of a human, somehow. He watched the water drain beneath him, staying in the shower far longer than necessary because he couldn’t seem to turn the water off. 

 

His pajamas felt warm on his body, wrapping him up in safety. Helen had bought them for him, leaving them on his bed one day to come home to after school. When he’d asked her about them she had said: “Sometimes you just want to wear something warm, like a hug but clothes. I thought you’d want some, too.” 

 

Philip got into the other bed in the room, curling up in it once he was under the covers. 

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Gabe asked. Philip bit his lip. He faced Gabe, but his eyes were closed. 

 

“Isn’t it weird, to ask if I hooked up?” 

 

“It is if you want it to be weird,” Gabe pointed out. 

 

“Nothing happened,” Philip said. “I mean, it could have, but I thought about how -- how I didn’t want to do anything in the back of some club,” he said, shrugging. He opened his eyes to find Gabe looking at him. 

 

“I think that was wise,” Gabe said quietly. 

 

“Wise or not,” Philip said, sitting up enough to fluff his pillow. “I’m still alone.” 

 

“I wouldn’t say that,” Gabe said, giving him a small smile as he closed his book. “I know it isn’t in the way you want, but Helen and I are here for you.” 

 

“I know.” Philip bit his lip, pulling the covers up closer to his chin. “I just don’t understand why.” 

 

“We want what’s best for you, we wanted to help someone and give them a chance at a better life, and you’re that someone.” 

 

Philip didn’t like how full Gabe’s words made him feel, like he was about to burst, unable to hold his emotions inside of him. He shut his eyes so Gabe wouldn’t see his eyes become glassy. 

 

“As long as you know that, then that’s enough for me.” Philip nodded his head at Gabe’s words, covering his head fully with the blanket so he could be alone, or at least pretend to be, for a while. He fell asleep before Gabe turned off the light. 

 

-

 

In the morning, they got breakfast before heading back to Tivoli. 

 

Philip felt better than he had been feeling, though he had a bruise on his neck that was hard to hide, thanks to the apparent vampire man he’d almost hooked up with the night before. He kept pressing his fingers against it as he looked at it in the window as Gabe drove. 

 

He checked his phone, but had no messages. It wasn’t surprising, considering he’d hung up on Lukas the night before. Lukas was his only friend, really, and maybe he shouldn’t push him away like that, but Lukas had been the one to lie to him. He wouldn’t cave to Lukas’ whims so easily again, he owed it to himself to not. 

 

But when they pulled up to the house later, Lukas’ bike was parked outside. Philip sat there in the car, frozen, as Gabe turned it off. Gabe saw the bike, too, and stayed in the car. 

 

“Are you avoiding Lukas?” Gabe asked. Philip shrugged. “Do you want to go?” 

 

“No,” Philip said, giving Gabe a look. “I just need to figure out why he’s here.” 

 

He wanted to pull his hood up, the only way to block the hickey on his neck, but he didn’t. They entered the house to find Helen and Lukas seated at the kitchen table. 

 

“Morning,” Gabe said with his usual casualness that Philip couldn’t seem to feign. He looked at Helen before his eyes fell to Lukas. Lukas looked like he hadn’t slept. 

 

“Morning,” Helen said, standing up and walking over to kiss Gabe hello. She did the same to Philip, kissing him lightly on the forehead. Her eyes fell to his neck, but she didn’t say anything, but she did take in a deep breath. “Lukas showed up early looking for you.” 

 

“Yeah,” Philip said, his voice devoid of emotion. “Come on,” he walked up the stairs, trying not to stomp even though he wanted to. Lukas followed him silently. Once they were in Philip’s room, Philip rounded on him. “You know, for someone who doesn’t want to tell Helen about what happened, maybe showing up at the crack of dawn because I hung up on you wasn’t the best idea.” 

 

“I didn’t do anything,” Lukas said, desperate. “I mean with Rose, I didn’t.” 

 

“You sound like a broken record, you know that?” Philip spat. “What are you doing here, really?” Lukas looked around Philip’s room desperately, as if looking for something. He sat on the bed, head in his hands as he looked at the ground. 

 

“I don’t like it when you’re mad at me, alright?” 

 

“Well,” Philip said, deflating. “I don’t like when you do stupid shit that makes me mad at you, so.” 

 

It wasn’t really a very good dig, but seeing Lukas upset made him want to hug him, comfort him like he used to comfort his mother. His instincts told him that he could make everything better if he just gave in and let them be comforted even though he was hurt. Philip clenched his fists. 

 

“Did you -- you said you were at a club.” 

 

Philip, his eyes wide, laughed. 

 

“What if I did?” He found himself asking. “What would you do?” 

 

“Nothing,” Lukas said, sounding defeated. “Nothing, I guess, I just.. thought about you with someone else when it could have been us and it made me feel sick.” 

 

“Well the thought of you with Rose after what we said made me fucking sick, too,” Philip said honestly. He felt raw already, and he didn’t want to see Lukas look at him the way he was. He swallowed. “I didn’t do anything.” 

 

Lukas looked at him, then the hickey. He didn’t believe him. 

 

“I made out with someone, but then we didn’t do anything else,” Philip said. “He wanted to, and I could have, but we didn’t.” He didn’t want to tell Lukas that it was because he wanted to do those things with Lukas, because that would give all of the power back to Lukas and that was the last thing that Philip wanted right now, not when every time he’d given power over to Lukas he’d shoved it and stomped on it. “So you can go.” 

 

“I don’t want to go,” Lukas said, grimacing. “But if you want me to, I will. What can I do so you won’t be mad at me anymore?” 

 

“I don’t know,” Philip stated plainly. “I just need space.” 

 

“Okay,” Lukas said, biting his lip. He didn’t look at Philip. “I’ll go, then.” Philip’s stomach turned over as Lukas stood up, heading towards the door. His gut screamed at him to stop Lukas from leaving, to quell this fight and fix it by giving Lukas what he wanted. Philip fought with himself tooth and nail to stand his ground. 

 

“Wait,” Philip said, wincing at himself. “Just wait.” Lukas turned around, the look of hope on his face breaking Philip’s resolve further. “You promise that you didn’t mean it? That you and Rose aren’t together?” 

 

“No,” Lukas said. “I mean, no that Rose and I aren’t together. We broke up and I told her that, we had that group project and the pressure from everyone,” Lukas said, sitting back down on the bed. “God, the pressure, Philip. I can’t handle everyone at school talking about the breakup like I’m some sort of celebrity.” 

 

“Not everyone has sponsors,” Philip said wryly. “You’re going to have to stand up to your friends,” Philip said, even though he was the one that just caved by forgiving Lukas. “Say you’re sorry,” Philip said, crouching down in front of him, his hands on Lukas’ knees. “To me. Apologize.” 

 

“I’m sorry,” Lukas said, his voice breaking. “I’m so sorry I keep fucking up,” Lukas whispered as Philip nodded his head as he leaned forward, kissing Lukas. Philip closed his eyes as the kiss deepened, his hands sliding up Lukas’ thighs as Lukas pulled him in closer. Philip was on his knees in front of Lukas’ spread legs as they kissed. “I want to go back to what we were doing, with the stars and the picnic,” Lukas whispered. “I wish there weren’t other people so we could hold hands and we could go to the movies.” 

 

“We can go to the movies,” Philip said. “People go to the movies all of the time.” 

 

“But I want to hold your hand at the movies,” Lukas said against Philip lips. 

 

Philip smiled at him. “You’d be surprised how much we could get away with without people realizing we’re together.” 

 

“I’m scared,” Lukas admitted. 

 

“I know,” Philip said with a sigh. “So am I.” 

 

-

 

Philip didn’t say anything to Gabe or Helen after Lukas left, but that didn’t mean they didn’t ask him about it. 

 

“Everything okay?” Helen asked. 

 

“Yeah,” Philip said, trying not to get into it. It would be too complicated. 

 

“He seemed really torn up about something,” she probed. 

 

“He was, but we talked, it’s fine,” Philip said, putting his shoes back on. “I’m going to go for a walk, if that’s okay.”

 

“Of course,” Gabe said. Philip was out the door without another word. He headed for the woods, messenger bag and camera in hand. It was getting colder, so he put his leather jacket on over his black zip up. He wanted to get pictures of the wild life in the area to show his mom, who wouldn’t believe the amount of animals that Philip saw on a day to day basis. Lukas was going to meet him later in town, but that was hours away and Philip had time to kill. Deeper in the woods he went, the more he thought about how one time he’d gotten lost in the city when he was little. He’d let go of his mother’s hand and somehow they’d gotten separated on the subway platform. 

 

It took hours for her to pick him up at the station, where he was taken because he’d cried. He learned then, that he shouldn’t cry in public when anything happened. If he cried then someone called the cops, and then his mother would be yelled at. They almost took him away from her then, too, from what he could remember. 

 

Philip turned when he heard a noise behind him, expecting to snap a picture of a deer. Instead, he came face to face with Ryan Kane. Philip snapped a photo instinctively, then let the camera settle against his chest. He was frozen in place. Thankfully, Ryan wasn’t alone. At least, Philip hoped it would be okay because Ryan wasn’t alone. He was with a woman and another man, but what they were doing out in the middle of the woods, Philip didn’t know. He took a step back from them. 

 

“Can I help you?” Philip asked hesitantly. 

 

“We’re with the FBI,” the woman said, showing her badge. “We were just searching the area, we didn’t mean to scare you.” Philip fiddled with his camera, trying to breathe as he saw Ryan look at his jacket. Their eyes met. “Mind telling us what you’re doing out here?” 

 

“I think this is my parent’s property,” Philip said. “I was taking pictures of wildlife,” he said, showing his camera. “What are you doing on their property?” He was sure they needed a warrant of some kind, maybe. He wasn’t sure. Besides, he didn’t know why they would need to search their woods. The woman smiled at him. 

 

“Are you Helen Torrance’s son?” She asked. 

 

“Foster,” Philip answered. He didn’t look at Ryan, he couldn’t. 

 

“Was that in her file?” Ryan asked. “That he was a foster son?” Philip bristled. He didn’t like that Helen had a file. He didn’t trust these people at all. 

 

“So, do you? Have a warrant I mean.” 

 

“Helen knows we’re here,” Ryan said, giving him what Philip considered to be a menacing smile. “Why don’t we walk you back to the house?” 

 

“Why?” Philip asked, standing his ground. “I’m not doing anything wrong.” 

 

“You’re pretty far out here, wouldn’t want you to get lost.” 

 

“I’m fine, thanks,” Philip said, turning and walking west, deeper into the woods, but towards the Waldenbeck’s. At least he hoped. He looked up at the sky, there was plenty of daylight left. He left the FBI agents behind, not wanting them to follow him. He knew it was stupid, walking deeper into the woods without truly knowing where he was going. He took out his phone, plugging in Lukas’ address. At least he had service, even if it was only one bar. He was a mile or so from Lukas’ if he kept heading west. His GPS didn’t give him a route to take, but he was a small dot on the screen, and he could see where Lukas’ house was as well. He looked behind him, relieved to find that he wasn’t being followed. Without thinking about it, he picked up his pace, heading deeper and deeper into the woods. 

 

He was almost to the Waldenbeck property when Helen called him. 

 

“Where are you?” She asked. 

 

“Did you give the FBI permission to go into your woods?” Philip asked her, out of breath. 

 

“No, what -- Philip, are you okay?” 

 

“Did you give permission for Agent Kane to go into your woods? Because I ran into him and some other people in the middle of the woods and it freaked me out,” Philip said as quickly as possible. 

 

Helen was silent. 

 

“Agent Kane was in the woods?” She asked. 

 

“Yes,” Philip said. He’d figured that Helen had no idea, but why they were there, Philip wasn’t sure. 

 

“What did he say to you?”

 

“He wanted me to go with him, that he wanted me to follow them back to the house.” 

 

“But you didn’t,” she stated. 

 

“No,” Philip said, sighing with relief as he stepped out of the woods, finally, and onto the Waldenbeck property. It was large, but he was out of the treeline and on a grassy field. He could see Lukas’ horse grazing happily, it’s tail moving as it ate. “I didn’t like the vibe he gave off,” Philip said, because it was true. “It freaked me out, seeing them in the woods.” 

 

“Where are you? Not still in the woods?” 

 

“I’m fine,” Philip said. “I’ll be at Lukas’ if you need me.” 

 

“You didn’t walk all the way there, did you?” Helen asked, concerned. 

 

“It didn’t take long,” Philip said. “I’m okay.” 

 

He hung up, then, relief flooding him as the farmhouse came into view. He wasn’t entirely lucky, though, because instead of coming across Lukas, he came across Bo first, who looked confused to see him. 

 

“Can I help you?” He asked, his disdain for Philip the city kid seeping into his voice. Philip tried not to let it get to him. 

 

“Is Lukas here?” He asked. 

 

“He’s not,” Bo said, looking around. “How did you get all the way back here?”

 

“I walked,” Philip said, swallowing. He was thirsty. “Do you mind -- can I wait for Lukas here?” 

 

“Is everything alright?” Bo asked, skeptical. 

 

Philip nodded his head, panting from his long walk through the woods. “Just got a little spooked in the woods, is all,” Philip said. 

 

Bo looked at the treeline of his property. “You walked all the way here from Gabe’s?”

 

“Yes, sir,” Philip said. 

 

“Come on in,” Bo said, leading Philip back to the Waldenbeck house. Once inside, Bo offered Philip a glass of water. Philip downed it, trying not to think about the questions that Bo would ask Lukas later. Bo watched him, his arms crossed. 

 

“You and my boy have been hanging out a lot lately,” Bo stated. Philip nodded his head. 

 

“Yes, sir.” 

 

“I’m not too sure I like it.” 

 

“Why?” Philip asked, even if it was rude. “It’s just that I don’t understand why you don’t approve, sir.” 

 

“I don’t approve because Lukas didn’t used to get into trouble before you came along. Your city ways are affecting him.” Philip’s brow creased. 

 

“I’m not the one who hit him,” Philip said plainly. “And I’m not the one who got the alcohol, sir. We aren’t-- I’m not doing anything but trying to make friends in a place where no one wants to be friends with me. I don’t think it’s very fair that you think less of me because I’m from Queens.” 

 

“I think you need to learn how to respect your betters,” Bo said. “I don’t want my boy hanging out with the likes of you.” 

 

“Just who do you think I am?” Philip asked. “What’s so wrong with me?” 

 

He just wanted to talk to Lukas, to tell him that Ryan saw him with the jacket, that he was probably going to die. They needed to tell Helen, together, now. 

 

“Your mother is a whore drug addict and I don’t want my son near that.” 

 

Philip stood up, seething. “My mother isn’t a whore,” he spat, his fists cleaned. He was the whore, not her. “I think I’ll go,” Philip stated as he heard Lukas’ bike pull up. He locked eyes with Bo. “I know when I’m not welcome.” 

 

He walked out the door just ask Lukas took off his helmet. 

 

“Philip?” Lukas asked, surprised. Then he saw his father appear in the doorway. “What happened?” Philip wiped at his eyes, shaking his head as he raked his teeth across his bottom lip. 

 

“Your dad is something else, you know that?” Philip said, looking back towards the house. He stopped long enough to look Lukas in the eye. His hands were shaking. “I ran into Ryan Kane in the middle of the woods, he saw my jacket. I’m fucking dead if we don’t tell Helen, now,” Philip said, pleading with Lukas with his eyes. “Don’t make me walk all the way back there alone.” 

 

“Hop on,” Lukas said, giving Philip his own helmet, the extra was back at the barn. Lukas didn’t look at his father as Philip got on the back of his bike. 

 

“Lukas!” his father called out as Lukas sped back down the driveway the way he’d just come. Philip clung to Lukas, holding on tight as he went as fast as his bike would let him, heading back towards Gabe and Helen. There was a road block up ahead, causing Lukas to skid to a halt. 

 

“Fuck,” Lukas shouted. “What the fuck is happening?” 

 

He turned around, heading in another direction, because the blockade didn’t look like cop cars, and he wasn’t wearing a helmet himself. He turned down a dirt road, cutting across other farms, still heading the right direction. 

 

“What is going on?” Lukas shouted again. 

 

“I don’t know!” Philip said, clinging tight to Lukas. Lukas took a left, and then a right. “Do you know where you’re going?” 

 

“Yes,” Lukas said, going faster. Philip closed his eyes, squeezing tight to Lukas. Eventually, Lukas slowed down to a stop, then turning his bike off. They weren’t anywhere, as far as Philip was aware. The sun was close to the horizon, now. Philip wasn’t sure why, but it scared him. 

 

“Tell me what’s going on,” Lukas said. “Why were you talking to my dad?”

 

“I couldn’t help it,” Philip said. “I ran from the woods by Gabe and Helen’s all the way to your house, I didn’t have anywhere else to go. He looked down at his phone; it was dying. “Something is going on with the FBI. I don’t know why Ryan is with them, how he can be one of them and be the guy that killed all those people.”

 

“I mean, they tried to kill him first.” 

 

“Yeah, but then he tried to kill me, and now he’s going to again,” Philip said, his voice becoming hoarse. “I’m dead.” 

 

“You’re not dead,” Lukas said, looking around at the woods around them. “Let’s go back to my house, he doesn’t know about me.”

 

“Your dad doesn’t want me near you,” Philip said. “He told me to my face that he doesn’t want you around a whore whose mother does drugs.” 

 

“You’re not a whore,” Lukas said, his face contorted. Philip didn’t say anything, his own face grimacing as he shook his head. “And I’ll sneak you in.” Philip snorted. “Unless you want me to take you to Helen and Gabe. Philip looked at Lukas. 

 

“Not unless you want to tell them that Ryan is the killer and we know why,” Philip said. Lukas bit his lip. 

 

“Come on,” Lukas said. “We’re going to my house.” 

 

By the time they got back to the Waldenbeck’s, it was dark out. 

 

“You go around the back, and there is a drain pipe that leads up to the roof beside my window. Climb up it,” Lukas said. “I’ll open my window for you.” Philip nodded as he went around the back of the house in the dark, doing what Lukas said. He had to wait out on the lower roof for a few minutes before Lukas was able to open the window for him. “I just got yelled at,” Lukas said, sighing. “I’m grounded.” 

 

“Good thing we aren’t going anywhere, then,” Philip said, sighing. “I’m sorry.”

 

“For what?” Lukas asked, making sure his door was locked. 

 

“For getting you grounded.” 

 

“Don’t worry about it,” Lukas said, stepping towards him. Philip closed the distance between them, wrapping his arms around Lukas. “He grounded me for driving away from him. I wouldn’t have left you there to walk home all alone after all this.” 

 

“What are we going to do?” Philip asked. “I mean, I can’t live up here. We have school tomorrow.” 

 

“I don’t know,” Lukas said, pained. “I don’t know what to do.” Lukas looked down at Philip, then kissed him. Philip kissed him back, unable to stop once they started. Philip took his jacket off, then his hoodie as they continued kissing. Slowly, they made their way to the bed where they laid down on it, kissing each other and taking their time. Philip let himself relax against Lukas, sighing as Lukas’ hand slid up his shirt, his fingers cool to the touch. “I just want to feel you against me,” Lukas said, kissing down Philip’s neck. 

 

Philip sat up, taking his shirt off first, then Lukas’, his fingers fumbling over the button of Lukas’ jeans. Lukas had less of a problem with Philips, tugging his jeans down his thighs. They desperately clung to one another, hands groping each other as they gasped into each other’s mouths. Philip sought the contact, his body reacting to the touch. 

 

“God, I just want you,” Lukas said against Philip’s ear once they were both naked. They moved against each other, fingers on skin and tongues tasting each other. “I want you so bad.” 

 

Breathing heavily, Philip rolled Lukas over onto his back, kissing him as he straddled him. 

 

“Where’s the condoms?” Philip asked, nothing allowing himself to think about it. Lukas shifted on the bed, grabbing the lube and condoms out of his bedside drawer. Philip looked at the lube, now open and partly used, and looked at Lukas. He flushed, shrugging up at Philip. He didn’t say anything else as Philip poured some of the lube on his fingers. This was really happening, and he wasn’t about to stop himself from enjoying it, considering there was a killer looking for him and it might be his last chance to--

 

Philip didn’t want to think about that. Instead, he sunk one of his fingers into himself, his eyes closing as he moved it in and out, gasping. 

 

“Shit,” Lukas said as he watched. “I want to do that.” 

 

“Okay,” Philip said, removing his finger and gripping Lukas’ shoulders as he smeared lube onto his own fingers, pressing one inwards as Philip sat astride him. 

 

“Is this okay?” Lukas asked, his finger in to the knuckle. Philip nodded his head, moving against him. Between his own legs, his cock dripped precome onto Lukas’ chest. “Fuck.” 

 

“Shit,” Philip said as Lukas pressed another finger inwards. “Fuck me.” 

 

“Oh, god,” Lukas said as he moved them, opening Philip up for him. “How do we know when it’s enough?” 

 

“I don’t know, maybe try it?” Philip said, his chest heaving at the feel of Lukas’ fingers inside of him. He couldn’t believe this was happening, that he wanted more, needed more. He craved it. Lukas pulled his fingers out and struggled with the condom, ripping it the first time. Philip opened one, rolling it onto Lukas’ cock, jacking him off a few times before he straddled him, lining his cock up with his entrance. 

 

“I’m going to control the pace, okay?” Philip asked, biting his lip. Lukas nodded his head, gripping tight to Philip’s hips. “Fuck,” Philip said as he sunk down slowly on Lukas’ cock. It was bigger than two fingers, by a lot. With his mouth hanging open, his breath hitched as he sat on Lukas’ cock, unmoving. “Oh my god.”

 

“Can I move?” Lukas asked as Philip’s fingernails dug into his chest. 

 

Philip shook his head. “Not yet,” he said, trying to breathe. It hurt, but he tried moving anyways. Philip let out a whimper as he sunk back down, moving his hips against him. Lukas panted below him, then hooked a hand around Philip’s neck, bringing him down so they could kiss. “Maybe, maybe on my back?” Philip asked. “Or on my side.” 

 

They resituated themselves, and Lukas pushed into him this time, his chest to Philip’s back as they laid side by side, Lukas’ arms wrapped around him as he moved slowly. Philip bit his lip, closing his eyes as he tried to relax. 

 

“Oh, god, I feel so full,” Philip gasped, clinging to Lukas’ hands as Lukas kissed his shoulder, moving more steadily against him. It got easier, somehow, and suddenly Philip was laying on his stomach and Lukas was on top of him, his cheeks spread as he fucked him. Philip moaned as Lukas did something right, hitting him in just the right spot that he blacked out for a moment. Philip bit down on Lukas’ pillow, because he didn’t want to make too much noise. Above him, Lukas stilled, coming and unable to move as his body spasmed. 

 

Philip breathed out as Lukas pulled out of him, falling in the bed beside him. They kissed lazily, Philip’s entire body feeling like a limp noodle. He hadn’t come, but he wasn’t really hard anymore. All that he was left with afterwards was a sense of dread and a sore body.


	7. Chapter 7

They drifted off to sleep for a short time after putting their clothes back on. Philip didn’t know how to describe how he felt, like a shell of a human being. Lukas, though, was tactile. He kept touching Philip, giving him small kisses and grinning afterwards. Philip let him, was pretty sure that if it wasn’t for Ryan he would have sought that very touch. 

 

“You didn’t come,” Lukas whispered as they laid in bed. Lukas was the big spoon, his knees tucked up against Philip’s as they lay back to chest with Lukas’ arm draped over him. Philip stared off at the wall, but didn’t really see it, his head shaking slightly. 

 

“It’s not like in porn,” Philip said, clearing his throat. “It’s okay,” he assured Lukas, turning his head enough so that they could kiss. Lukas deepened the kiss, rolling over so that was on top of Philip. Philip wasn’t sure he could be fucked again, but Lukas seemed to want it. 

 

The doorbell startled both of them, Lukas pushing off of Philip and standing, his eyes wide as Philip pushed himself up by the elbows. Lukas looked out the window. 

 

“It’s not your parent-- it’s not Gabe or Helen.” 

 

“Shit,” Philip said, getting off the bed. “Shit, it’s him,” he said as Lukas pushed him towards the closet. “No, please, I don’t want to go in there--” Philip panicked. 

 

“You have to,” Lukas said. “What if it’s him?” 

 

“Then he’s going to kill me, I’ll go out on the roof after he’s inside.” Philip begged, clutching at Lukas. He had too many memories of being locked in closets by his mom’s ex -boyfriends so he would be out of the way to want to hide in there now. He couldn’t handle thinking about that when it could be Ryan downstairs. 

 

“Okay, just--”

 

“Lukas, can you come down here?” Bo shouted from downstairs. 

 

“Yeah,” Lukas said, kissing Philip once more before opening the door. Philip heard Lukas descend the stairs, his footsteps heavy and his voice loud. “What’s up?” 

 

There was mumbling that Philip couldn’t discern as he climbed out the window and onto the roof behind the house. He sat in the cold, his legs pulled up close. He stilled when he heard the voices in Lukas’ room, talking about him. 

 

“I’ve been up here since I got home,” Lukas said, believable considering Philip had heard him lie horribly in the past. Philip remained as still as possible. “I don’t know why you think he would be here, my dad kicked him out earlier.” 

 

Philip swallowed. 

 

“Your dad said you went off with him, where did you go?” 

 

“I dropped him off closer to his house.” 

 

“Not all the way there?” 

 

“...No.” 

 

“Why?” Lukas was asked. Philip knew Lukas was panicking, he had to be. 

 

Philip knew he was going to cave, because Lukas wasn’t good at making shit up on the spot. He wasn’t good at lying, unlike Philip. Philip was the fuck-up who knew exactly what to say to evade. Philip decided to get down from the roof without really thinking about it. All it would take would be Lukas looking at the window once and he’d be fucked. 

 

He hopped down, turned the corner towards the main road, and ran straight into someone. 

 

“Fuck,” Philip said, until he realized it was Helen. “Oh my god, Helen,” he whispered, wrapping his arms around her. “Please help me.” 

 

“What’s going on, Philip? We’ve been worried sick about you,” Helen said, her arms on his, rubbing up and down because he was freezing. Philip looked up at the house, then at Helen. She wasn’t alone, but was with the FBI agents. Philip took a step back from her. “Are you and Lukas lying about something? Why didn’t you call? We’ve been searching for you for hours.” 

 

“I--” Philip said, taking out his phone. It was dead. “My phone was dead,” he said as a poor excuse. Helen crossed her arms. Philip heard talking, and Ryan was with Bo on the porch. 

 

“Helen,” Philip said, looking her in the eye. “There is a lot I need to tell you. I know I’ve fucked up, I know you shouldn’t trust me,” he said, clenching his jaw. “But do not let Ryan take me anywhere alone. He’s--he’s the killer.” Philip whispered the last part in her ear as Ryan descended the front steps. 

 

“There he is,” Ryan said, looking back towards the house where Lukas hovered in the door. “Mr. Waldenbeck, you might want to talk to your son about aiding and abetting.” Philip locked eyes with Lukas, shaking his head as Bo shut the door. Philip could hear shouting from behind it, but his eyes were on Ryan. “Philip, you’ve certainly caused a stir.” 

 

Ryan looked from Philip’s face to his jacket, giving him a grim smile. Philip clung to Helen. 

 

“How about you take a ride with me, I’ll show you what happens to kids who just don’t know how to stop lying. It’ll teach you a lesson.” He said it with a smile, like Philip was a delinquent who needed a telling to, not a kid so scared that he ran. 

 

“I don’t think that’s necessary,” Helen said, taking Philip’s hand, placing the other on the back of his neck. “Gabe and I have him covered.” 

 

“Let’s hope so, we wouldn’t want the judge to know about this,” Ryan said as a matter of factly. Philip bristled, but Helen squeezed his neck, then lead Philip towards the car. Philip looked back at the house, wondering if Lukas would be safe. 

 

He didn’t think so, now when Ryan knew that there were two people at the cabin, with Philip under the bed and someone else hitting him over the head. Surely Lukas was in as much trouble as he was, now. 

 

“We have to warn Bo,” Philip said to Helen. “Lukas is in trouble. Ryan--”

 

“Not another word,” Helen said, her voice low. “I’m going to put you in the back seat, make a show of it.” 

 

“Are you serious?” Philip said loudly, throwing his hands up as Helen opened the back door of her vehicle. 

 

“Get in,” she said, a hand on her hips. Philip scoffed as loud as he could then slumped down in the back seat. She slammed the door shut, waving at the FBI agents before getting in the car herself. She turned the sheriff’s vehicle on, adjusting the rear view mirror so that she could see Philip as she began to pull away. “Explain, now,” she said. 

 

Philip hesitated, because he wasn’t sure where to start, but Lukas was in as much danger as he was. 

 

“Philip.”

 

“We were at the cabin,” Philip blurted out. “We were there when all those people died.” Helen gripped the steering wheel, her lips in a thin line. “We saw what happened, and we saw who killed all those people, and Helen, I swear to god it was Ryan.” 

 

“This-- you lied, Lukas lied. You--”

 

“I’m so sorry,” Philip said, covering his face with his hands. “It was my fault.” 

 

“Okay,” Helen said, nodding her head. “Okay, I believe you,” she stated plainly. “But it’s your word against his. Question, and this is important: does he know who you are?” 

 

“Yes,” Philip said, swallowing. “When I was in the woods today and they were randomly there-- I was wearing my leather jacket. The one I wore at the cabin.” Helen stilled for a moment, catching up. 

 

“The jacket that Tommy wore when he died, because you traded for it.” 

 

“Yes,” Philip said, pained. “That’s my fault too. It’s all--”

 

“No,” Helen said. “It’s not.” She made a sharp turn, heading to the sheriff’s office instead of home. “We are going to make an official statement first, in case something happens.” 

 

“You mean in case I die,” Philip stated. 

 

“You aren’t going to die,” Helen said, her voice serious. “I need you to call Gabe and tell him to meet us at the station. I’m calling Tony.” 

 

Philip did as she asked. 

 

-

 

Philip made the statement, but never stated why they were at the cabin after dark, because Helen must have put two and two together. He was grateful, because he felt stripped of everything he was as he recorded what happened. 

 

“Was there a girl in the trunk?” She asked. 

 

“No girl,” Philip stated. He talked about all the men, about how one of them said he was an informant before he was shot point blank. He told Helen that he’d had a gun pointed at his head, that he would have died if Lukas hadn’t knocked them out. 

 

“We need to get Lukas down here, but I want to interview him separately. Gabe, can you take Philip home?” She asked as she wrote out paperwork. 

 

“Of course,” Gabe said, helping Philip up, putting a had on his shoulder. 

 

“One more thing, Philip,” Helen said, standing up. She put her hands on his arms. “I want to thank you for telling me.”

 

“It’s a little late-- once we started--” 

 

“I know,” Helen said. “You did what you thought you had to. But I’m going to need your jacket and your phone.” 

 

“My phone is dead,” Philip said as he shed his jacket and handed both things over. 

 

“We can charge it,” she said. “I think calling your mom tonight would be a good idea,” Helen said, looking at Gabe. 

 

“I agree,” Gabe said as warmly as he could. Philip nodded his agreement, the allowed himself to be lead outside and into Gabe’s car. Once inside, Philip let out a loud sigh. 

 

Gabe remained silent, for a while. 

 

“I don’t see how you could have kept all that inside you,” Gabe said, shaking his head. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Philip said automatically. 

 

“No, I know that, but I meant that that’s a lot to carry for a sixteen year old, Philip.” 

 

“We thought he died, at first,” Philip admitted. “We thought he was one of the people on the ground in the cabin in the pictures, because his shoes were off. Then we thought he left because he killed Tommy.” 

 

“Makes sense,” Gabe said, though his voice was strained. 

 

“I know I should have told,” Philip said, looking down at his hands. “I shouldn’t have hesitated.” 

 

“Do you want to talk about why you didn’t tell?” Philip clenched his jaw. “That’s why you and Lukas fought, isn’t it.” Philip nodded his head. “And why you got drunk after Tommy died.” 

 

“Yeah,” Philip said, letting out a sigh. “He didn’t punch me because he’s homophobic. He punched me-- okay well it still sounds homophobic.” Philip bit his lip, closing his eyes because he’d just had sex with Lukas, and he wasn’t sure that was the best idea. “Shit.” 

 

“Hey, it’s going to be okay,” Gabe said, rubbing his hand over Philip’s back. “Helen’s got this, you don’t have anything to worry about.” 

 

Philip put his head between his legs, trying to breathe, trying to focus onl Gabe’s hand on his back. 

 

“I’m gonna be sick,” Philip said. Gabe pulled over just in time for Philip to open the door and empty out his stomach on the side of the road. “Oh, god.” 

 

It didn’t feel like the day had been real. Everything from the woods to sleeping with Lukas. Lukas probably regretted it by this point, too, but Philip tried to think about how they’d held each other after, how Lukas kissed him so sweetly. 

 

He threw up again. 

 

“You okay?” Gabe asked. Philip groaned. “I know, stupid question.” 

 

“I slept with Lukas,” Philip said, because he was so, so tired. 

 

“Oh,” Gabe said, gripping the steering wheel. 

 

“I don’t think I was ready,” Philip whispered as he slumped down in the seat, his knees up on the dashboard. “It’s stupid, really. I mean,” Philip looked out the window, cutting his sentence off. “It was stupid because I know he’s going to regret it.” 

 

“It sounds like you regret it,” Gabe hedged. 

 

“I don’t know how I feel,” Philip said. “I thought it would make me feel better, like-- like it would change me. Instead, I feel the same but.” He shrugged, he had a loss of words. Gabe nodded his head. 

 

“You know, a lot of people think their problems can be solved by having sex. You aren’t alone in that. Some people use it to fill some sort of void within them. But what you have to understand, something that usually takes years for people to figure out, is that you are already a whole person, with or without sex.”

 

Philip nodded at Gabe’s words, sniffling as he wiped at his eyes. 

 

“I’m proud of you, Philip,” Gabe said. Philip scoffed. “I mean it. If everything that has happened to you happened to me by the time I was your age, I would have gone off the deep end. You’re here, with me, able to talk and understand, to comprehend that the world is a huge, fucked up place. But you aren’t alone in this, in anything. You have us, and we’ve got your back.” 

 

“Thank you,” Philip said, his voice barely audible, because he didn’t know what else to say. 

 

-  
Philip knew he should sleep, but sleep evaded him as he laid in bed. He ate dinner with Gabe, and could only manage watching about a half hour of television before he told Gabe that he was tired. Before heading upstairs, Philip double checked that all the doors were locked, because somehow that made him feel safer. His thinking was that Ryan wouldn’t come after him until he was alone, and Gabe wouldn’t let anything happen to him. 

 

But Ryan could kill Gabe if he wanted to. 

 

So Philip was awake in bed, staring up at the ceiling because he was worried about Gabe, worried about Lukas, and worried about Helen. He wasn’t sure how she would go about arresting an FBI agent, about how difficult that would be especially with no real evidence besides Philip’s jacket and his phone where he and Lukas vaguely discussed what happened. 

 

He wished he had his phone so he could text Lukas. Lukas, who was probably so mad at him for telling that he wouldn’t even talk to Philip again. Philip curled up in a ball on his bed, mourning the loss of what he’d had with Lukas. That was how he felt as they had sex, bereft because he knew it wouldn’t last. Lukas’ tenderness wouldn’t happen again. Philip cried, openly. He let himself cry without trying to stop it, because he needed to. Everything was so fucked up, and he didn’t know how to stop it. He’d done what Lukas wanted, and now any of them could die because Ryan was a killer who didn’t mind killing an informant or holding a gun to Philip’s head. Eventually, Philip slept. 

 

He was jolted away some time later by a hand over his mouth, and a cloth. Philip jerked his body, trying not to inhale. His eyes were wide as he looked up in the darkness to see Ryan hovering above him, his mouth in a straight line as he pressed the chloroform cloth to Philip’s face. 

 

The last thing Philip thought about before he passed out was if Gabe was alright. 

 

-

 

Philip woke up choking. He gasped for breath as he sat up in bed, clawing at his throat. He’d had a nightmare, a realistic one. He was in his room, safe, but his heart pounded as if what he dreamt had been real. “Fuck,” Philip said, his voice hoarse. He felt fuzzy, like he’d been drugged. He looked around his room in the pale light of morning, looking for Ryan. He wasn’t there, though. He’d never been there in the first place. Philip didn’t get back in bed after going to the bathroom. He looked liked a ghost in the mirror, his face sallow and bags under his eyes bigger than they’d ever been. Splashing his face with water, he tried to tell himself that he was safe. Helen might have already arrested Ryan. 

 

Maybe. 

 

Philip went downstairs, hoping for coffee, but it was too early for even Gabe to be up, because there wasn’t any. His keys, too, hung in their place by the back door. Without his phone, Philip didn’t have a way to contact Lukas, not that Lukas would respond to him. He felt unbearably alone, like he was set adrift in the ocean with no hope of running ashore again. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been standing there, staring at Gabe’s keys when Helen pulled up. Philip watched as she approached the house, looking exhausted and not at all like she’d apprehended Ryan. 

 

“Oh, you’re awake,” Helen said when she walked inside. “Or did you not sleep?” 

 

“I slept,” Philip confirmed. “Sort of.” 

 

Helen looked him over, her lips in a firm line. 

 

“You didn’t get him yet?” Philip asked. 

 

“I need a warrant, and the judge isn’t available yet,” Helen said with a sigh, giving Philip a look. “I talked with Bo and Lukas last night.” 

 

“Did he-- did he tell you what I did?” Philip asked. Helen nodded her head solemnly. Philip let out a breath, looking at the ceiling. “Was Bo mad?” 

 

“I think Bo is concerned,” Helen said. “Because his son is in danger. Just like how I’m concerned for your safety.” 

 

“Did he yell at Lukas?” Philip asked, because he needed to know. 

 

“No,” Helen said, shaking her head, gently leading Philip over to the kitchen table. “Because Lukas didn’t come out.” Philip’s face contorted into a grimace as he bit down on his bottom lip. “You didn’t say those words, either,” Helen told him, looking him in the eye. “You didn’t say what you two were doing in that cabin, just that you were there. Now, I’m a smart woman, and I know that you weren’t just hanging out. What you were doing in the cabin isn’t as important as the fact that you both were, in fact, there. Now, you’re both underage, so your names won’t be released to the public. Did you know that?” Helen asked. Philip shook his head. “I didn’t think so.” She sighed. 

 

“That doesn’t help the fact that Ryan knows who you are. Normally I would put you into protective custody, but since he is FBI I’m hesitant.” 

 

“What’s going to happen?” Philip asked. “I can’t even-- I don’t know if Lukas even wants to talk to me.” 

 

“I don’t know about that,” Helen whispered, holding onto Philip’s hand above the table. “But I know that he was just as worried about you.” Philip tried to smile, but it was hard to fake. “Here,” she said, handing Philip a phone. It wasn’t his, but it was something. “I put Lukas’ number in there for you, along with mine and Gabe’s, and your mother’s rehab center number.” 

 

“Thank you,” Philip said, clutching the phone. 

 

“Bo and I also talked,” Helen said, sitting back in her chair. “And since it’s all out in the open about why you two have been fighting and getting drunk, he’s willing to allow you two to hang out.” 

 

“But--”

 

“As far as Bo is aware, everything is settled, besides the fact that his son witnessed murders and assaulted the murderer... in self defense.” 

 

“Oh god, when you say it like that,” Philip said, covering his face with his hands. 

 

“It was self defense, in defense of you,” Helen said. “It’s all documented, and once we apprehend Ryan and go to court, I’m positive everything will be okay.”

 

“How can you be sure?” Philip asked, groaning. “Oh god, our lives are going to be-- my file is already-- they won’t believe me,” Philip said, hyperventilating. “They won’t believe my word over his.” 

 

“Philip,” Helen said, trying to calm him. “You can’t know that, your file is sealed. You’re underage.” 

 

“Oh, god,” Philip said again. 

 

“Why don’t we both try to get some sleep?” Helen asked. “I think we’re both exhausted, and I know Gabe will be up soon.” 

 

“I don’t want to be alone in my room,” Philip said, because it was the honest truth. He’d had a dream about being kidnapped because he’d been alone. Helen gave him a small smile. 

 

“I think there is plenty of room in our bed, if you don’t mind sharing.” 

 

Philip thought about the small bed he and his mother shared in their apartment in Queens, then at Helen and Gabe’s huge one. 

 

“I don’t mind,” Philip said. 

 

Gabe was awake when Helen and Philip came into the room. 

 

“You’re kicked out,” Helen said. “Philip and I are taking over in here.” 

 

“Oh?” Gabe said, kissing Helen hello. 

 

“I’m going to shower,” Helen said, giving them both a look. “And then I’m passing out.” She gave Gabe a look, then grabbed her pajamas as she walked towards the bathroom. Philip stood awkwardly by the bed, looking at his feet. 

 

“Couldn’t sleep?” Gabe asked. 

 

“No,” Philip said. He didn’t want it to be weird, he felt like it would be weird, if he shared a bed with Helen. He was sixteen, he shouldn’t feel like he was helpless when alone when he’d been fighting on his own for so long. 

 

“Well, come on in,” Gabe said, patting the bed beside him. “Being alone right now probably isn’t the best for you, mentally.” Philip practically fell into the bed with a thud beside Gabe. Technically he was on Helen’s side of the bed. “No judgement, Philip. You’ve been through a lot. No one is going to judge for you for seeking comfort right now.” 

 

“How are you this understanding?” Philip asked. “I fucked up so bad, and you’re just so--”

 

“You didn’t fuck up as badly as you think you did,” Gabe said. “I mean, lying to Helen wasn’t a good idea, and you could have gotten-- it’s going to be okay,” Gabe said, stopping himself before he brought it up like not saying it would change the fact that Philip knew he could have died, could still die. 

 

Philip was asleep before Helen even got out of the shower, but slept soundly with the warmth of someone sleeping beside him for the first time in weeks. 

 

-

 

Helen didn’t keep Philip informed, told him not to worry about it. It didn’t help ease Philip’s mind as she dropped him off at school. 

 

“What if he comes for me at school?” Philip asked. 

 

“Call me,” Helen said. “I need to be honest with you. I have your phone’s location turned on. If you go missing, I’ll be able to find you.” 

 

Philip looked down at his phone, nodding his head. 

 

“That actually makes me feel better,” he said, breathing out. “A lot better.” 

 

“Good,” Helen said with a smile. “I had Bo do the same with Lukas, so if you two go off running somewhere, we’ll know.” 

 

“That’s a bit Big Brother,” Philip said. 

 

“Are you reading 1984 in school?”

 

“No, I’ve read it before,” Philip said, getting out of the car. “I’ll call you if I need you.” 

 

“Be safe, just don’t go wandering off, I’m sure it will be fine.” 

 

“How many times are things actually ‘fine’ when the word ‘fine’ is used?” Philip asked, but gave Helen a smile. 

 

He didn’t feel at all confident in the school’s ability to keep him safe. All Ryan had to do was waltz in with his badge and grab him, no one would stop and FBI agent from taking a drug addict’s son. Philip walked through the halls with his head down, jumping every time someone came or went from a classroom in the middle of the class, worried that it would be Ryan. He didn’t see Lukas until lunchtime, but he was with his friends. Philip texted him to meet him in the bathroom, because he needed to talk to him, he needed to know if they weren’t talking anymore. He didn’t think at first that Lukas would show up, that he’d leaving him forever hanging onto something that never was going to be. 

 

Philip closed his eyes. He was still sore from them having sex, and every time he sat, he remembered it. He sniffled, more from weird country allergies than tears, as he leaned against the bathroom door. 

 

“You selling?” A kid asked him. 

 

“Nah,” Philip said. “Sorry.” 

 

He didn’t know what it was about him that people thought he was a drug dealer, he wasn’t the only one at the school who wore worn down second hand clothes, most so faded and used that they were wearing through in places. Philip looked down at his shoes, the boots that Helen and Gabe got for him. He wiggled his toes, though he couldn’t see them move in the boots. They were comfortable, the first truly new pair of shoes that he’d ever owned in he didn’t know how long. 

 

The door to the bathroom opened, and Lukas appeared, looking around and behind him to make sure they were alone. 

 

“What?” Lukas asked, his jaw clenched. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Philip started with. “I’m sorry I snitched. I couldn’t-- this is more than us, okay?” Lukas deflated at Philip’s words, crossing his arms as he looked at the floor. 

 

“You were smart and didn’t mention what we were doing at the cabin,” Lukas mumbled. “I guess that’s the best we could have done.” His body language was closed off; he wasn’t about to forgive Philip easily. “I’m grounded, you know. Majorly.” 

 

“Grounded, but alive,” Philip said, his anger coming to the surface. “I broke my trust with Helen and Gabe because of this, because of your lie. This is my life, too, you know. I don’t think you’re taking that into account at all in this.” 

 

“I am,” Lukas said, though his face betrayed him. “I don’t know, this is all so hard, alright?” 

 

“Yeah, well, life is full of hard choices,” Philip said more calmly than he intended. “And if me telling Helen that a killer was after me is a breaking point for you, that I should keep your sexualitly a secret over my life.” 

 

“That’s not fair,” Lukas said. 

 

“Life fucking isn’t fair, Lukas,” Philip said. “You think that, what? That you don’t have a mom and your dad is all you have so you think it’s okay to push me around for being gay when you like guys, too? Because that’s what I see. All I see is you being mad at me for the fact that you like men. It shouldn’t be on me, Lukas.” 

 

“You need to be quiet,” Lukas said, his eyes wide. Philip almost cowered away from him, but he stood his ground. 

 

“You need to listen to me,” Philip said, taking a step closer to him. “My life is worth more than your being in the closet. I’m not risking my life so that you can be safe from people judging you in this small backwater town. I thought I wanted to apologize about telling Helen the truth, but I take it back. I don’t apologize, I’m glad I did it. Now it’s my turn to give you the cold shoulder.” 

 

With that, Philip walked out of the bathroom. It was stupid, but he walked out of the high school, heading towards his bike. He’d left it on campus over the weekend, because he’d ridden to school Friday, but Helen picked him up. He just needed to go for a ride to clear his head; he would be back in time for the bell to go to his next class. If he missed, then they would call Gabe or Helen and that was the last thing he needed. He rode hard, around the block a few times, allowing himself to take out his anger on his bike pedals. When he came back to lock his bike in place, Lukas was waiting for him his arms crossed as he leaned against the bike lock. Philip didn’t speak as he locked his bike in place, his jaw clenched. 

 

“Why can’t liking you be enough?” Lukas asked. 

 

“Because when you do stuff like push me, hit me, or manipulate me into doing something for you by kissing me or telling me ‘if you liked me then you’d do this’, it’s emotional abuse, Lukas. That isn’t you liking me, that’s you using me. I already have a mother who does that, okay? I’m not stupid,” Philip said with a long sigh as he shoved his hands in his jacket pockets. “I thought that all that mattered was that you liked me, like how deep down I know my mother loves me,” he said, looking at the school instead of at Lukas. If he looked at Lukas he knew that he’d caved in his resolve. “She loves me, but you don’t,” Philip whispered. “And that’s okay.” 

 

“But I--”

 

“Don’t,” Philip stopped him. “If you tell me you love me right now,” Philip swallowed his feelings down. “If you tell me that right now I’ll know it’s a lie, and I’ll never trust you again.” 

 

Lukas stood there in silence, his eyes glassy, his fists clenched tight at his sides. Lukas breathed quickly, shallowly. Philip, too, found it hard to breath because of the tightness in his chest. 

 

“So, what? We are done?” Lukas asked. Philip shrugged. 

 

“You’re in the closet, how hard would it be to go back to normal for you?” Philip asked. 

 

Lukas made a face. “I... like you a lot, Philip. I didn’t know what I was doing was like that,” Lukas said, sounding small and devastated. 

 

“Well,” Philip said, scuffing his feet as he looked at the ground. “Now you know, so you should be able to realize when it’s happening. I’m not going to put up with you doing that anymore. I’m done with it.” 

 

“Can I have another chance?” Lukas asked. 

 

“I want us to be friends,” Philip said. “Without sex.” 

 

“But we already had--”

 

“I know, but that’s not what I want from you right now,” Philip said, his face set in a frown. “Helen talks a lot about trust, and right now I don’t trust you.”

 

“Okay,” Lukas said as the bell rang. “Well, I’m grounded, so.” 

 

“So I’ll see you in English,” Philip said, wanting to touch Lukas but holding back. “For what it’s worth, I like you, too. If I didn’t I wouldn’t be willing to put up with your bullshit.” Lukas gave him a small smile. 

 

Maybe there was hope after all.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> only one more chapter left!

That night, Philip dreamt of Ryan in his room, hovering in the dark corner, watching him sleep. He spoke as well, telling him to go back to sleep. Philip couldn’t help but do as dream Ryan asked, because he was so exhausted from everything. 

The next morning, Gabe drove Philip to school. 

“Can I ride my bike home today?” Philip asked. “I just don’t trust it to be left at school overnight anymore than I have to.” 

“We can put it in my trunk if you want,” Gabe suggested. “I don’t think you riding it home right now is the best idea.” 

“Hmm,” Philip said, picking at his bottom lip with his fingers. “Hey, am I grounded?” Philip asked. 

“Why do you ask that?” Gabe inquired. 

“Lukas is grounded,” Philip stated. 

“Do you want to be grounded?” Gabe asked. 

“I’ve never been grounded before,” Philip said. “I wouldn’t even know what it really means.” 

“It means no TV, no going out, no phone, maybe extra chores.” 

“That doesn’t sound too bad,” Philip admitted. “But I need my phone on me so Helen can track me, I only watch TV with you guys, I wasn’t planning on going out because there is a murderous FBI agent who is out to get me, and I’ll do whatever chores you guys want me to.”

“See, you don’t need to be grounded,” Gabe said with a smile. “I think you’ve punished yourself enough about everything that’s going on. Nothing Helen and I could possibly do to you for punishment would come close to how much you’ve already blamed yourself for this situation.” 

“You’re doing it again,” Philip said. 

“Doing what?”

“Being way too nice to me,” Philip said, looking at Gabe. “I don’t deserve it.” 

“Everyone deserves empathy, son.” 

“Well you have a lot of empathy, then.” 

“I didn’t used to,” Gabe said, taking a deep breath. “We all make mistakes and pay for them the rest of our lives. I only hope that you, like me, can get through your rough patches and have time to grow.”

“You make it sound like I’m a plant,” Philip said with a laugh. 

“We all need to plant roots somewhere in order to grow, it’s an apt metaphor.” 

“I’ll take that into consideration,” Philip said, grinning for the first time in days.

That afternoon, after picking Philip up from school, Gabe and Philip grabbed a few things needed for dinner from the store before heading back to the house. When they got there, someone was seated on the porch. Gabe slowed as they approached. 

“Oh, no,” Philip said, his gut twisting when he saw his mother’s form, limp, her hair cascading everywhere as she sat awkwardly in one of the rocking chairs. “Mom,” Philip said, getting out of the car before it was fully parked. He ran up the stairs, his heart hammering in his chest. He tried to tell himself that she was okay, just high. Like all those other times he found her high out of her mind, asleep in odd positions. 

“Mom,” Philip said as he lifted her head with his hands. “Mom,” he said again, more desperately. Behind him, Gabe walked up the stairs, moving Philip aside as he checked for a pulse. “Why is she high? Why isn’t she at the rehab clinic?” He asked aloud. He knew, though. He knew it would be too good to be true, for her to get clean. She hadn’t been clean his whole life, why would he think that would change. 

“My baby,” she said, opening her eyes and reaching for him. Philip let out a sob, reaching for her. 

“Philip, I need you to go inside,” Gabe said. Anne looked at him, her eyes glassy and pupils pinpricks. 

“I need my son,” she said, and Philip’s heart broke. “My baby, you’re keeping me from him. I’m his mother,” she said, hysterical. 

“Mom,” Philip said as he knelt by her. “I’m here.” 

“Philip,” Gabe said, putting his hand on Philip’s shoulder. “You shouldn’t be in contact with her when she’s like this.” 

“She needs me,” Philip said, teeth grating as he tried not to cry, because she wasn’t going to get better for him. “Can you call, please?” Philip asked Gabe. “Call now before I change my mind.” His mother had her arms wrapped around him, her fingers in his hair. He clung to her as she whispered nonsense into his ear. 

Gabe, staying on the porch, called the rehab clinic, and then social services. Philip watched as Gabe paced back and forth, his mother with her eyes closed as she ran a finger up and down Philip’s cheek. 

“I love you, baby,” she said through the fog. “You’re my everything.” Philip closed his eyes, tears falling freely. He knew, deep down, that when social services came, he wouldn’t see her again. He sat by her, his head in her lap as she carded her fingers through his hair, humming because she was so happy to see him. “I missed you. I can’t wait for you to come home.” 

Face contorted, Philip bit his lip as his tears stained his mother’s dress. Helen pulled up, sheriff’s lights flashing. Anne stiffened, the lights making her panic. Her mood was about to shift. 

“Tell Helen to turn off the lights,” Philip said, sitting up as he took his mother’s hands in his own. “Mom, it’s okay.” 

“They’re going to take you away from me,” she said, her grip in Philip’s harsh and biting. “I need you.” 

“I know,” Philip said. “I know, and I need you to try, mom. I need you to try to be calm.” 

“How can you want them to take you from me? You live here now, and you’re not my baby.” She said, turning in an instant. Gabe was there as she swung, pulling her from Philip. Helen was there in an instant, taking Philip further away from her. 

“Inside,” Helen said, pushing Philip towards the door. He stumbled as he went, his eyes on his mother as Gabe and Helen took her kicking and screaming towards the car, setting her in the back. Philip held onto his cheek, where his mother almost got him. She’d never hit him before, but she almost had, because he wasn’t going to go with her. He couldn’t. Philip stood in the doorway as social services pulled up. They talked with Gabe and Helen for a while, Philip leaning against the door jamb with his arms crossed. Eventually, social services came over to him, ready to take his statement. He felt dead inside as he told them what happened. 

“The judge is going to be notified,” they told him. “Gabe and Helen think it might be best if there is a restraining order, because this isn’t the first time you and she have come in contact without social services present.” Philip bit his lip, looking upwards at the porch light. It didn’t stop the tears from falling. 

“If they think that’s best,” Philip said. His mother wasn’t going to get better, he was going to stay with Gabe and Helen. “Just until she gets better.” 

“Of course.” 

She wasn’t going to get better, though. Philip watched his mother be taken away, and the last memory he would have of her would be of her kicking and screaming her way into Helen’s car, high and angry at Philip for wanting something more than what she could give him. 

-

A knock at the door didn’t startle Philip as he lay on his bed, sprawled out and staring at the ceiling as the door opened. 

“Did you want to eat something?” Helen asked him, her voice delicate. Philip blinked, but didn’t have it in him to answer. Helen sat on the bed by him, her hands in her lap. “I’m so sorry, Philip.” Philip swallowed, his head tilting to one side so he could look at her, his face devoid of emotion. He didn’t have anything left. “We didn’t want it to come to this.” 

“I know,” Philip said, clearing his throat because his mouth was so dry. He hadn’t moved in hours. “It just hurts.” 

“I know,” Helen said, looking around his room. “I talked with the judge.” 

“And?” Philip asked, knowing the answer. 

“She’s being moved to a clinic further away, the restraining order is going to be signed tomorrow.” Philip’s mouth set in a frown. He wanted to disappear. “She made it three weeks,” Helen said. “That’s really good.” 

“Not good enough. If she loved me,--” Philip stopped his sentence. If she loved him, she would get better. The words echoed in his head over and over. 

“She loves you,” Helen said. “But love isn’t a substitute for other things, other problems. It isn’t a cure all.” Philip reached out for Helen’s hand. She took it gladly, squeezing it. “You can love someone even though they hurt you, and you can hurt someone you love. Just because you love them and they love you doesn’t mean everything else goes away.” 

-

That night, Philip didn’t sleep in his own bed. He ended up between Gabe and Helen, asleep before Helen even got in bed and Gabe still sat up, reading his book. He didn’t have any nightmares, and during breakfast the next morning they didn’t talk about it. 

“Why don’t you and I go out on the water,” Gabe suggested, taking a bite of his pancake. They made a big deal of breakfast everyday, like somehow eating breakfast together would help. In a small way, Philip think it did, starting the day together as a family. 

A family. 

“I have school,” Philip said, almost regretfully. Helen and Gabe exchanged a look. 

“I think a mental health day is acceptable,” Helen said as she started clearing her dishes from the table. “Don’t you?” 

“If that’s okay,” Philip hedged. “I don’t really feel like sitting through hours of classes when I’m not going to pay attention.”

“I think we could at least take the morning,” Gabe said. “Just us and the water.” 

“That sounds nice,” Philip said. He and Gabe did the dishes together after Helen left for work. They bundled up, because it was getting colder out, layering in case they got hot. It was peaceful out on the water, and Philip was free to think about nothing and anything that he wanted. 

“You’re not going to tell me where she is, are you?” Philip asked. Gabe shook his head. 

“Are you mad at me for that?” Gabe asked. 

“No,” Philip said. “I know it’s for the best, like how I know Helen not telling me about the investigation is for the best, but the doesn’t make it any easier. I feel like I can’t do anything, like I’m stuck and I’m being torn ten different ways, so instead of doing anything I’m just sitting here, doing nothing.” 

“Sometimes that’s the hardest part, inaction.” 

“Rowing helps,” Philip said with a smile. 

Gabe returned it. “It does.” 

-

After they were done on the water, Gabe took Philip to school late. He only missed first period and as Gabe signed him in, the secretary asked to see both Gabe and Philip. On high alert, Philip braced himself to walk into the principal’s office and find Ryan waiting there to take him away. Instead, he found two empty seats.

“It concerned me when Philip didn’t show up for school today,” the principal said as he shuffled paperwork around on his desk. He opened a file as Philip squirmed in his seat. “Philip has missed a fair amount of days lately. Gabe nodded his head in understanding. “It’s concerning, what with Philip being new.” 

“I haven’t missed that much,” Philip stated. “I skipped one day, then we took my mom to the rehab clinic.” 

“Both of those days were very close together, and with this morning--”

“We talked with him about skipping the school trip,” Gabe said. “And we approved of him missing this morning and the other time you mentioned. What’s really going on here, exactly?” Gabe asked, his voice taking on a different candor completely than Philip was used to. 

“We don’t think Philip is taking his education seriously here at Red Hook,” the principal said. Philip held in a scoff, looking out the window. 

“Are his grades bad?” Gabe asked. “We haven’t received word that he had anything below a C.”

“As of right now his lowest grade is a B--”

“Then I don’t know why you called us in here, and Philip is missing class because of it, and I’m going to be late for a meeting.” Philip was sure that Gabe didn’t actually have a meeting, but he wasn’t about to call him out on that when Gabe was in the middle of sticking up for Philip. “Philip is a good kid, and we’ve been dealing with some personal family matters that deserve not only discretion in a small town, but a little empathy.” Gabe stood up. “I look forward to getting Philip’s first report card, and I’ll be sure to attend the parent/teacher conference at the end of the semester.” 

Gabe lead Philip out of the office. 

“That was amazing,” Philip said, a smile on his face. Gabe didn’t say anything. “Thank you.” 

“Don’t let people walk all over you, because if they see a weakness, they will do it,” Gabe said, taking a sigh, visibly mellowing out. “Have a good day at school, and I’ll see you after.” 

“Thanks,” Philip said, watching Gabe walk towards the front entrance of the school. He had to get a note from the secretary, who gave him a look, but didn’t deny him since Gabe had signed him in. 

At lunch, Lukas found him. 

“Where were you earlier?” Lukas asked, concerned. Philip looked around he couldn’t believe that Lukas was standing in front of him, in the middle of the cafeteria, where everyone could see him. 

“Uh, Gabe took me out on his boat for bonding time,” Philip said, looking down at his tray. His emotions were still frayed. 

“What’s wrong with you?” Lukas asked a little too brashly. “Isn’t this what you want? For me to sit with you at lunch?” Lukas’ tone made Philip bristle. He really wasn’t in the mood to deal with his hot and cold tendencies. 

“Not if you’re going to be a dick,” Philip said, locking eyes with him. Lukas sat across from him, staring at him like he wanted a fight. Philip sighed. “Why are you really sitting here? You don’t want to be seen with me.” 

“We’re friends, right?” Lukas asked. Philip shrugged one shoulder, lifting an eyebrow at him. “Well, I kind of need a friend right now.” 

“Do you?” Philip asked. 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Lukas asked, his hand reaching across the table at first, then pulling back as he put it in his lap. He leaned in instead. “Is this about the killer?”

“This isn’t about him,” Philip said. “Besides, Helen is dealing with him. All we have to do is keep ourselves safe.” 

“I’m fucking grounded still, “ Lukas said, leaning back in his chair as soon as he thought that Philip was fine. He pushed back in the chair so only the two back legs were on the ground. Philip wanted to kick it, to make him fall. 

Sort of. 

Philip licked his lips, trying to figure out how to tell Lukas that he didn’t have it in him right now without actually telling him about his mother. It was too personal, and Philip didn’t want to share anymore of himself with Lukas if he was just going to toss it back in his face. 

“There’s just a lot happening,” Philip said. “It’s getting to me.”

“Me too, man,” Lukas said, shaking his head. “I can’t believe Helen knows, I can’t believe Ryan was at my house, man. He could get me whenever he wants. My dad is thinking about leaving town until this all blows over.” 

“Really?” Philip asked, dread filling him at the thought of Lukas leaving. 

“I doubt he will, though, besides I have my big event soon. You’re coming, right? The motocross--”

“Yeah, I know,” Philip said. “I’ll be there if you want me to be.” 

“I want you there,” Lukas said. “Definitely.” 

“Okay,” Philip said, giving him a small smile. They could take baby steps, that was okay. Philip closed his eyes, thinking about his mother. Just because she took one step forward and two steps back didn’t mean that Lukas would. He couldn’t blame Lukas on his mother’s incapacity to keep clean, or keep any of the promises she ever made him. Lukas wasn’t his mother, not that he thought of Lukas as his mother. “I’ll be there.” 

-

That night, Philip tried sleeping in his own bed. He was determined to do it, that he needed to stop acting as though there was a monster under the bed. He told himself that it was because he and his mother had shared a bed, that he was used to sharing his space and the lack of another body beside him when he slept was jarring. He didn’t need someone else beside him, but that didn’t mean he didn’t wish he could just go into Gabe and Helen’s room. He was almost an adult, and traumatic experiences or no, it could be considered weird as fuck to some people to find a sixteen year old boy in bed with two adults. 

So, Philip sat in his bed, flipping through his phone apps as he tried to sleep. It wasn’t working, and each time he looked at the clock, it only got later and later. Finally, he decided to see if Lukas was awake. He picked up after the first ring.

“Are you okay?” Lukas asked, concern coating his voice. 

“Yeah,” Philip said, his voice soft and low. “I just couldn’t sleep.”

“I haven’t been sleeping either,” Lukas admitted over the receiver. “I’m -- uh, glad you called.”

“Oh yeah?” Philip said, smiling. “You miss me?” 

“Yeah,” Lukas said in a whisper. “I do. I’m sorry I fucked it all up.” 

“Is this some sort of other dimension Lukas right now? Sounds like it.”

“No,” Lukas said with a laugh. “It’s really me.”

“Prove it, I don’t want to be talking to a bodysnatched version of you.” 

“You want me to prove it to you?” Lukas asked. “Hmm, let me think.”

“Yeah, something that only the two of us would know,” Philip said as he laid down in bed, pulling the covers up over him, situating himself more comfortably. 

“Well,” Lukas said. “I know that you’ve got this mole on your stomach. I know that you like when I--” Lukas let out a long breath. “When I hold your hand.” Philip bit his lip. “Or when we just sit, when our legs touch. Just that.” 

“Okay, you’re you,” Philip said, his voice small. “I like both of those things.” 

“What do I like?” Lukas asked. “How do I know you’re really you and not some alien.” Philip laughed, pulling his legs up close to his chest. 

“You like when I blow you,” Philip said, grinning. Lukas’ laugh filled his ears and he buried his face in his pillow. “And you like kissing with our lips closed.” 

“Yeah,” Lukas said. “I do like those things.” 

“I like when we’re alone, because it’s the real you,” Philip admitted, because in the darkness of his room he felt braver than he did in the light of day when there was more to lose. “Because you aren’t afraid of what other people think.” 

“I like when we’re alone because I feel like I can be myself,” Lukas said. “I wish we hadn’t seen those deaths. I think I could be better for you if we hadn’t.” Philip closed his eyes. 

“We can’t go back,” Philip said. “The only way is forward.” 

“Do you want to move forward?” Lukas asked. “I mean, with me?” 

“Yes,” Philip said. “But I don’t want to go back to how it was, I don’t want you to make me feel like shit for being gay, or for liking you.” 

“I won’t,” Lukas said. “I like you too, you know.” 

“I know that, but-- but it hurts when you push me away.” 

“I won’t,” Lukas repeated. Philip tried not to think about his mother’s empty promises as they hung up a short time later. He didn’t sleep until much later, almost too late to get any sleep whatsoever. At school there were flyers everywhere about the motocross event, which was a big deal a few towns over. Lukas was in the hallway, surrounded by his friends as Philip passed by. Instead of ignoring him, Lukas lifted a hand for a high five as Philip passed him. He smiled to himself afterwards, wondering if maybe, just maybe, everything would be okay. 

-

The night that Philip was caught, he’d skinned his knee and the palms of his hands because he’d fallen as he’d tried to run. Never, ever, run from the cops. He knew it was a bad idea, but his fight or flight instincts kicked in and he knew if he was caught it would be all over. As he sat in a cell, alone because he was a minor, all he could think about was how much his palms hurt, how the blood on his knee seeped into his dirty, old jeans. 

Well, he thought about that and the fact that his mother hadn’t picked up the phone and there was no one else to call. 

“Do you have a pimp?” A cop asked him. He gave Philip coffee in a peace offering, but his hands hurt too much to hold it. 

“No.” 

“You can tell us, they can’t hurt you now.” 

“I don’t,” Philip said, looking them in the eye. They looked him over, as if he was a piece of meat. Like he wasn’t a person. They’d taken his wallet, which had his ID in it. He was so, so busted. 

He didn’t sleep in the cell, because he’d gotten taunts from nearby cells where others jeered at him, made comments about his body and his mouth. He stared straight ahead, curled up on the bench as he waited. What he was waiting for, he didn’t know. 

Eventually when his cell door opened, a woman he didn’t know stepped inside. He sat up, but didn’t stand to greet her. 

“Philip, is it?” She asked. 

“Yeah,” Philip said, his voice hoarse. 

“Philip, I’m Alicia, your social worker--”

“Social worker,” Philip said hollowly. “Where’s my mom? She should come get me.” 

“Your mom isn’t coming to get you,” she said sternly. “You were caught for underage prostitution, and when we went to the house on your ID she was indisposed.” Philip covered his face with his hands. “Philip, I need you to answer some questions for me and it’s important that you tell me the truth.” 

“Okay,” Philip said, his voice small. 

“Did your mother put you up to this?” 

Philip shut down, his eyes closing. He couldn’t answer as he pulled his legs close to his chest, burying his face against them. 

-

The doctor that the social worker took him to was nicer than she was. He wasn’t allowed to see his mom, because there was going to be a hearing. Philip felt like he was going through life in a fog, shuffled from one place to another without reacting. The doctor, though, was gentle. 

“We’re going to have to do a lot of bloodwork,” they told him. “I hope you’re not squeamish with needles.” Philip laughed, thinking about his mother, because there wasn’t really any other reaction for him. “We’re taking blood to test for any STD’s, HIV, and normal blood work.” 

“Fine,” Philip said, offering up his arm. As the rubber wrapped around his arm, Philip teared up. Not because of the needle, but because all of this was his fault. He should have been more careful, he shouldn’t have gotten caught. 

-

Philip was clean, somehow. He hadn’t used condoms, but clean was clean. He was given the safe sex talk, was even handed a couple of condoms. He almost threw them in the trash. That night, in bed in a stranger’s house, Philip cried for the first time since he was arrested. He cried because he wasn’t allowed to see his mother, because whenever he closed his eyes all he saw was anonymous faces and them calling him filthy names, the feel of their hands on his body. He cried because it was over, he wouldn’t have to sell his mouth anymore, but the price of that freedom was the loss of the only person he ever had, the only person that ever loved him. 

-

At the hearing, he wore a suit that was provided for him. They made him slick back his hair and shave. Alicia told him to tell the truth, with as much detail as he could. Somehow, it felt like he was betraying his mother by telling everyone that they shared a bed, that there were drugs, that he sold himself so he could eat, so he could feed her. She cried. Philip cried because he made his mother cry. They tried to lead him away without letting him say goodbye, but Philip begged. 

“No visitation.” 

Those words echoed in Philip’s mind as he held his mother tight. She clung to him, but didn’t speak, because he’d betrayed them. He’d told, and now he was being taken away. 

A few days later he met Gabe and Helen. They had smiles on their faces as they met Alicia, shaking her hand like Alicia hadn’t ripped him from his life. 

“This is Philip, Philip this is Gabe and Helen.” 

“Hi,” Philip said, shaking their hands like he was supposed to, the movement automatic. 

They all sat down together and talked. Alicia spoke about Philip as if he wasn’t there, about his past, things to look out for. 

“He doesn’t have a history of running away, do you, Philip?” Alicia asked, as if that was a plus. 

“No,” Philip said. “I don’t usually run.” 

But he had when it mattered most, and he would again if it meant he had the chance of staying with his mom.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here Is the last update!  
> PLEASE heed added tags.   
> for an explanation of the added tags please reference the end note for spoilers.   
> Please do not read if any of the tags of this fic may trigger you. Thank you.

Philip left the house before dawn, riding his bike in the cold over to the Waldenbeck’s. It was dark, but Lukas wanted to see him, and if he was being completely honest with himself, he wanted to see Lukas, too. Gabe and Helen hadn’t been awake yet, so it was the perfect time for Philip to sneak out. 

Lukas waited for him on the front porch of his house, still in his pajamas. He put his finger up to his mouth, warning Philip to be quiet. He mirrored Lukas’ movement, pressing his index finger up to his lips with a grin. They went up to Lukas’ room, careful of creaking stairs and loud floorboards. Lukas locked the door but hesitated as he stood in front of Philip. 

“I wanted to give you this,” Lukas said, handing over an envelope to Philip. Philip opened it, not sure what to expect. Inside was a VIP pass for the motocross event, a press pass that allowed him close to take pictures. “I told them I needed you to be there, that you were my photographer. They gave me this for you.” Philip’s throat tightened as his fingers rubbed across the pass. It even had his name printed on it, the lanyard looking official and making him feel important. “If you want to be, that is.” 

“Yeah,” Philip said, grinning. “I’ll be your photographer,” he whispered as he leaned forward, kissing Lukas on the lips. Lukas grinned as they kissed, his arms wrapping around Philip as the kiss broke. Philip rest his head against Lukas’ shoulder as they stood there, bodies pressed together. It felt right. “You found a way that I could be there with you.” 

“Yeah, well, you’re an amazing photographer,” Lukas stated. “It wasn’t a lie.” 

“I just - thank you,” Philip said, at a loss for words. “No one has ever - this is awesome.” Lukas smiled at him, and Philip couldn’t help but kiss him again. He put the lanyard in the inside pocket of his leather jacket before taking the jacket off, draping it over a chair. 

“Thanks for coming all the way over here,” Lukas said as they sat on his bed facing each other. “I doubted I would have been able to before this afternoon, I wouldn’t have been able to get it to you in time.”   
“It wasn’t a big deal,” Philip said, grinning as Lukas took his hand in his own. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d smiled so hard that his face hurt. 

“You look so… I like the way you look when you smile,” Lukas admitted, kissing Philip on the cheek. Philip felt himself flushing, his face reddening and the blood rushing up his neck as Lukas kissed his other cheek as well. He closed his eyes, telling himself that this was okay, that everything would be alright. 

“Is your door locked?” Philip asked, even though he saw Lukas lock it. Lukas nodded his head, his hand cupping Philip’s face as he leaned him down onto the bed, straddling him. Philip opened his mouth for Lukas as their kisses deepened. They took their time undressing, unlike before when it was desperation and pent up frustration. This time, they kissed slowly, hands roaming over their bodies, lips brushing over collar bones and nipples as they learned each other’s bodies. This time, Lukas worked Philip up to three fingers, opening him up while Philip was on his knees, ass in the air with his back arched, legs spread so that Lukas could see what he was doing. 

“Like that,” Philip moaned as Lukas fucked Philip with two fingers, then pressed in a third, stretching him. “Oh, god.” 

“This feels so good,” Lukas said, his voice hitched. “I could do this all day.” Philip laughed. 

“Please don’t,” Philip said with a shaky breath. “I couldn’t take it.”

“I bet you could,” Lukas teased as he thrust his fingers in and out, spreading the lube around until his fingers slid easily. Philip closed his eyes, enjoying the feeling. Lukas crooked his fingers in experimentation, and Philip yelped, not expecting for Lukas to find whatever spot he found within him. Lukas pulled back immediately. “Are you okay? Did I hurt you?”

“No,” Philip said, panting. “You just found my G-spot, fuck,” Philip said, looking back at Lukas. “Some time I’m gonna do this to you, so you could feel this.” Lukas’ eyes widened. “If you want.”

“Yeah,” Lukas said, swallowing visibly. “Yeah, I would like that.” 

A door shut, making them both freeze in place. Philip turned over on the bed, his eyes wide, ready to grab his clothes but Lukas held up a lube slicked hand, making Philip pause. They both stood there, listening as another door shut, then a car started. 

“My dad’s leaving,” Lukas said, relief filling his posture and strain on his face. “We’re alone.” Philip grinned as he laid down on his back, Lukas climbing on top of him, pressing their bodies together as they kissed and began to move against each other. Philip had one hand wrapped around his own cock, jacking it as Lukas put on a condom. This time, he felt more relaxed, ready for it as he watched Lukas roll the condom on, stroking himself a few times while his other hand slid up and down Philip’s leg. Lukas maneuvered Philip where he wanted him, Philip’s legs hooking around Lukas’ as he sunk down onto him, his hips rolling as he pressed inwards. Philip groaned as he locked eyes with Lukas. Lukas couldn’t break eye contact as he began fucking him, slowly at first. They kissed, with Philip’s arms wrapped around him, keeping Lukas close. This didn’t feel anything like their first time, it felt closer, more intimate. Philip moved with him, meeting him thrust for thrust as they moaned into each other’s mouths, tongues tangling and the sound of skin slapping against skin filling the room. 

This time when they changed positions, as Philip climbed on top of Lukas who laid on his back on the bed, it felt good as Philip sunk down onto Lukas, controlling the pace as he rocked his hips, riding him as Lukas held onto Philip’s hips, then his thighs, then his ass, spreading Philip’s cheeks and feeling his own cock as Philip rode him. They panted, Philip’s hands on Lukas’ chest as he closed his eyes. Lukas wrapped his hand around Philip’s cock, thumb playing with his head, with the precome that gathered. He smeared it across his head, using it as lube as he jacked Philip off. Philip, still hard this time, moaned as he moved against Lukas faster, mouth hanging open. 

“I’m going to come,” Philip said, feeling his stomach clenching. Lukas grinned from beneath him, his eyes watching Philip’s cock. 

“Come on, you can do it, it’ll feel so fucking good,” Lukas encouraged. Philip stilled above him, Lukas’ cock in his ass as his body shuddered. He came on Lukas’ hand and stomach. Lukas continued to jack him off until Philip pushed his hand away, unable to take it anymore, over stimulation winning out. Lukas kissed him, pulling Philip down so that their lips could meet as he began fucking up into Philip, faster and more desperate than how Philip had been moving. Philip dropped down to his elbows as Lukas held onto him, thrusting up into him until his own movements became erratic and stilted as he came inside of him. His thrusts slowed, then he pulled out, panting against Philip as they held each other, Philip’s come a sticky mess between them. Philip laughed as he accidentally smeared it across Lukas’ stomach. They kissed messily, lazily, until they drifted off to sleep. 

When they woke up, Philip had to leave. They cleaned up as best they could, and Philip’s ass was sore again, and he didn’t look forward to the bike ride, but they kissed before he left, almost didn’t stop kissing but he had to get back to Helen and Gabe. With the lanyard around his neck, Philip rode as fast as he could back towards his house. 

Halfway there, his phone rang. He stopped by the side of the road to answer it because it was Gabe. 

“Where are you?” Gabe asked. His voice was calm but in a forced way. Philip looked around him, wanting to be as specific as possible. 

“I’m on Pine, between Fifth and Sixth. I’m close to the sheriff’s department,” Philip said. “I am on my way back to the house.” 

“Philip, it’s eight in the morning,” Gabe said. “Where were you?”

“I... I went to Lukas’.” Gabe sighed. “He uh, gave me a press pass for his motocross event for today. It was the only time he could meet before they left. I’m sorry. You guys weren’t up yet.” 

“You could have woken me,” Gabe said. “Just hurry back so we can talk. Helen was about to turn on the locator.” 

“I’m sorry,” Philip said. “I didn’t mean to worry you guys, I didn’t think.” 

“It’s alright, we’re just glad you’re okay.” 

“I’ll be back soon, I promise.” 

Philip rode hard, as fast as he could, considering his body was so sore. He parked his bike, like normal, then walked into the house expecting for Gabe and Helen to be mad at him, to yell and scream. Instead, Gabe gave him a hug, and then Helen. Philip suspected that Gabe put her up to the task, but she did it anyways, squeezing him tight. 

“So tell us about this press pass,” she prompted. Philip grinned, showing it to them. 

“He gave it to me, said that he wanted me to be his photographer so they gave him a pass for me, it has my name on it and I can’t believe he did this,” Philip said, gushing the words out as fast as he could. 

Gabe pat his back, proud. “I’m glad you two have worked out your differences. Seems that the lying was breaking you apart.” 

“Yeah, well,” Philip said biting his lip. “Being out in a small town isn’t what Lukas wants,” Philip said with a shrug. “So we’re going to be friends in the open, instead of - of...” 

“Of him punching you in the middle of the hallway because you talked to him in public?” Gabe asked, his face grave. 

“Yeah,” Philip said, taking a deep breath, but grinning just the same. “I can’t wait. I’m going to go shower and clean my camera,” he said as he made his way towards the stairs. 

“Hold on,” Helen said. Her arms were crossed and she looked torn, but Philip knew she had to speak her mind. “I want you to tell us when you go places,” she said. “Especially right now, alright? You can wake us if you need but I didn’t like waking up to find you gone.” This time, Gabe put his encouraging hand on Helen’s shoulder. Philip paused on the bottom stair, his shoulders slumped. 

“I’m sorry,” Philip said. “I was used to just leaving. I’ll be better about telling you guys where I go.” 

“That’s all we ask,” Gabe said, giving Philip a small nod, letting him go upstairs. 

Once upstairs, Philip closed his door and took his shoes off, because he’d forgotten to do it by the door like Helen and Gabe liked him to do, what with all the mud and dirt out in the country they didn’t want it tracked through the house. Philip began to take off his jacket when he saw movement out of the corner of his eye. He almost screamed when he saw Ryan Kane in his room, but he had his finger pressed up against his lips and a gun pointed at him, so Philip didn’t make a sound. Helen was downstairs with Gabe, and Philip was going to die. 

“I want you to remain quiet, or I’ll shoot you, and I really, really don’t want to do that,” Ryan said as he stepped forward. “Can you do that for me?” Philip nodded his head, licking his lips. Ryan watched him, his eyes raking over Philip’s body as he walked around him, as if appraising him. “Philip Shea, sixteen years old, drug addiction mother in rehab, for now, former child prostitute looking for a good home, will do anything for a little affection, am I right?” Ryan asked, standing too close to Philip for comfort. Philip closed his eyes. “Your file was very telling, Philip,” Ryan said, his fingers trailing down Philip’s arm. “About how hard your life’s been. I could imagine that seeing someone kill three people in front of you would just be icing on the cake of a difficult life,” Ryan mused, his finger ghosting down Philip’s neck. Philip shivered, his chest tight from fear. Ryan touching him almost had no effect whatsoever as Philip retreated inward, his mind distancing itself from what was happening. 

 

Ryan grabbed hold of Philip’s neck snapping him back to reality. His hand spanned the width of the nape of Philip’s neck and the gun pressed against Philip’s temple as they stared at each other. 

“You pose a problem, Philip,” Ryan said, his grip on him tight, harsh. “You told Helen, and I can’t have witnesses to that unfortunate night. I’m sure you understand.” 

“What are you going to do?” Philip whispered, his voice finding some version confidence that he didn’t feel. He wasn’t a brave person, but in that moment he felt like it was all he had left. “You can’t shoot me, Helen is downstairs.” Ryan smiled at him, his thumb brushing across Philip’s lip. Philip didn’t react. 

“Helen is going to be heartbroken when she finds your body,” Ryan said with a sigh. “She was just starting to like you, I’m sure, with all the trouble you’ve brought. She’d understand why you did it, though. Your life up until then has been almost too much for a teenage boy to bare.” 

“What are you talking about?” Philip asked, trying to take a step back. 

“Suicide, of course,” Ryan said with a shake of his head. “Such a sad end for the pathetic life you’ve lead so far.” Philip shook his head, looking around his room. Ryan cocked the gun against Philip’s temple, reminding him it was there. “I’ve learned from my mistakes, Philip. I’m a good agent, you know. This mess isn’t on me. If it wasn’t for you and Lukas I’d… what’s this?” Ryan asked, looking at Philip’s press pass. “Press pass? Is this what I think it is?” Ryan asked, grinning. “A way for me to get to Lukas after I deal with you?” Philip shook his head, his lip trembling at the thought of Ryan going after Lukas, too. Ryan took the pass off of Philip, placing it over his own neck instead before smiling. “You’re going to do exactly what I say, because the more you struggle, the more pain Lukas is going to be in when it’s his turn.” 

“There is no way I’ll know otherwise,” Philip said. “I’ll be dead.” 

“You’re right,” Ryan said, grinning maniacally. “You won’t know, but as you lay there dying, it’s all you’re going to think about. Now, what you’re going to do is simple. We’re going to go into the bathroom. If you do anything else I’ll shoot you, and then Gabe and Helen if they come up the stairs. Understand?” Philip nodded his head. Ryan held onto Philip’s neck as they walked towards the door. Philip begged whatever god could possibly be listening to him that Gabe and Helen do not choose now to come upstairs. 

They made it to the bathroom and locked the door. 

“Now strip,” Ryan said as he bent over and turned the faucet on in the tub. He plugged the bottom. Philip shut his eyes, trembling as he realized what Ryan was going to do to him. Ryan watched as Philip undressed. “Put your clothes down however you normally do it,” he instructed. Philip dropped them to the ground without ceremony as the tub filled up beside him. Ryan looked around the bathroom, finding Philip’s razor. “Now pick that up.” 

Philip hesitated. 

“I’m not doing this to you, you are,” Ryan said, looking at Philip’s body, his eyes narrowing. “You and Lukas--” Philip picked up his razor, taking a long, shuddering breath. Ryan licked his lips slowly. Philip felt like he was going to throw up. “I don’t need to explain to you what to do, do I?” Ryan asked. Philip shook his head as he sat down in the tub, swallowing as he held onto the razor. “Cut.” 

Tears stung Philip’s eyes as he pressed the blade against his skin, cutting across his wrists. He tried not to go deep, in case, somehow someone could save him, but he bled just the same. The second was harder, his blood pumping quickly in his temple, fingers slick. Once it was done, Philip dropped the razor in the tub, so Ryan would have to get wet if he wanted him to do more. 

“Arms in the water,” Ryan said, tilting his head. “We wouldn’t want that to clot, now would we?” Philip sunk his arms down into the water as it turned red. The water stopped pouring into the tub and Philip closed his eyes. He didn’t want to see Ryan anymore, he wanted to think about his mother, about Lukas giving him the press pass, of Gabe and Helen hugging him, believing him. Tears rolled down Philip’s cheeks as he tried to take deep breaths. 

A hand on his head made him jerk as Ryan carded his fingers through Philip’s hair, his lips against his temple. 

“Lukas will go just as easily, I assure you,” Ryan said. He kissed Philip’s head, which had him sloshing the water to get away from him. “Now, now,” Ryan sneered. “Don’t fuck this up for him. If you so much as move, they’re all dead. Helen, Gabe, Lukas, his father - your mother. Do you know how easy it would be for her to OD?” 

Philip closed his eyes, sinking deeper into the tub. His arms felt heavy, he could feel his blood pumping through his veins, the sting of the cuts, as shallow as they were. Hopefully, he would have time. Ryan opened the door, locking it before he shut it, leaving Philip alone. Philip waited, wondering as his body got heavier. He lifted his wrists out of the water, watching the blood spill, dripping into the water. He wondered how long he should wait before getting Helen before Ryan was gone. He didn’t want them shot, he didn’t want anyone else to die. Philip knew he had time before he bled out, knew he didn’t cut it the right way or too deep. The water would keep his wrists from clotting, but--

Philip heard footsteps coming up the stairs, stopping in front of the bathroom. Philip opened his mouth to call out for help, but he wasn’t sure if it was Ryan. Philip closed his eyes, having a hard time opening them again. He was almost out of time before he passed out.

 

“Gabe,” Philip called out, his voice weaker than he wanted it to be. “Gabe!” Philip strained. 

“Philip?” Gabe asked at the door. “What’s going on?” 

“Help me,” Philip said, sobbing, because he was slipping away as he hung his arms out of the tub, trying to reach for a towel. “Help!” He said weakly as Gabe tried to open the door, but it was still locked. “Gabe, please,” Philip said as Gabe shouted to Helen. Philip closed his eyes, unable to keep them open anymore. 

Philip heard the door open, heard it crack as Gabe broke it to get to him. He heard Helen gasp, someone holding him. 

“An ambulance,” Helen said as he was pulled from the bathtub. “Now, Gabe.” 

“Stop the bleeding.” 

“Call, now,” Helen said as she pressed a towel to Phillip’s wrists. “Philip, wake up, Philip can you open your eyes for me?” Philip tried, his eyes rolling. He had to tell them something, it was important. 

“Ryan,” Philip whispered. 

“Did you say, Ryan?” Helen asked, her voice so close to him. Philip tried to nod, but he felt so weak and nauseous. “Fuck, Gabe, he’s going to pass out. Philip, honey, you have to try to stay awake for me.” Philip groaned, frowning because he wanted to sleep, he needed to sleep. 

“My pass,” Philip got out even though it was difficult. “He took my pass.” 

“Gabe get me my walkie talkie,” Helen screamed. “Get Tony, right now!” 

And then everything went black for Philip. 

-

Philip woke up to the sound of beeping. He didn’t want to open his eyes, but he felt like there was a reason that he needed to. He opened them to a stark hospital room, his wrists wrapped and an IV in his arm. The heart rate monitor beeped at him and he groaned. His head felt heavy, his arms practically immobile. 

“Philip,” Gabe said, stepping into view. “Glad you’re awake, son.” 

“Lukas,” Philip said, his mouth dry and painful. Gabe gave Philip water, it was cold as it hit his tongue from a straw. “Lukas,” Philip said again. 

“I don’t know, son,” Gabe said, his fingers carding through Philip’s hair, pushing it out of his face. “But I’m glad you’re okay.” Philip looked at his arms, his chest heaving. “Try not to get worked up, okay? I’m glad you called for me.” 

“It wasn’t real,” Philip said as Gabe put his hand in Philip’s. “I wouldn’t have done it--”

“We figured that out,” Gabe said, his thumb caressing the back of Philip’s hand. “We know you’re happy, right?” 

“Right,” Philip said, closing his eyes, then opening them because all he could see was the reddening bath water. “Lukas is dead, isn’t he?” Philip said. “Ryan killed him.” 

“Philip we don’t know,” Gabe said, sounding pained. “Helen is going to figure this out, okay? She called her contact at the FBI about what happened.” 

“He didn’t touch anything,” Philip said. “He made me do it and he said if I was good he would make it fast with Lukas,” Philip sobbed. “Lukas is dead because of me.” 

A nurse appeared, and ushered Gabe away from Philip. 

“He needs rest before his psyche evaluation,” the nurse said sternly. 

“I don’t need a psych eval,” Philip said, reaching his hand out for Gabe. It was then that Philip realized his hands were bound to the bed. “I want Gabe to stay.” 

“It’s not up to what you want right now,” the nurse said, patting his arm. Philip grit his teeth. “If you’re awake, we can take you upstairs now.” 

“We explained what happened,” Gabe said, stepping towards the nurse. “He was made to.” 

“And a forced suicide attempt can be just as damaging, if not more,” she said, leading Gabe towards the door. “He still had to go through it. We need to test him.” 

“I need to know if Lukas is okay,” Philip pleaded, tugging at his restraints. “Gabe, please.” 

“I’ll let you know as soon as I do,” Gabe promised him as the nurse wheeled Philip away, down the hall, further and further from Gabe. Philip was quiet as she took him in the elevator. 

Paranoid, he didn’t trust her. He wondered if she worked for Ryan. He wasn’t safe in the hospital. All it would take was one stray needle. Someone could put air in his IV, or make him OD, or simply give him something to make his heart stop. Philip, panicked, thrashed in the bed. 

“No,” Philip said. “You’re going to kill me.” 

“No one is going to kill you, dear,” the nurse said. “But if you don’t calm down I’ll have to give you something.” 

“No,” Philip said, stilling. 

Philip was exhausted all the way to his bones. He wanted to sleep, but he couldn’t stop worrying about Lukas. Outside the doctor’s office, Tony stood on duty, standing off to the side. He winked at Philip as he was wheeled into the office. He ached everywhere, and his wrists hurt badly. The nurse moved his bed, tilting it so he was in a more seated position. His hands were in fists at his sides, where they were bound in place. 

“I’m not going to hurt myself,” Philip said. “Can I please get these off?” 

“Not until the doctor clears it,” the nurse said, though she sounded like she at least cared about the situation that Philip was in. “Let us know if you need to go to the bathroom, alright?” Philip merely nodded in answer. 

The doctor didn’t leave him waiting long, chart in hand. 

“Hello, Philip, my name is Dr. Andrews.” 

“Hi,” Philip said, reminding himself that he had to play nice so he could go home, or at least get his arms free. 

“Your parents explained your situation, at least the situation that they saw, to me, but if I could hear your side that would be very helpful.” 

“Foster parents,” Philip said. “They’re my foster parents.” 

“Noted,” Dr. Andrews said with a smile, writing it down. She sat next to Philip in a chair with her leg crossed over the other, her hands in her lap as she leaned forward, her attention solely on Philip. 

“I’m not suicidal,” Philip started with. “It’s - someone made me cut myself.” 

“And is this ‘someone’ a voice, or do they have a corporeal--”

“You think I’m making it up that I was attacked and he made me cut myself?” Philip asked. “Because that’s what it sounds like to me. I would like to speak with Gabe, please. Tony!” Philip shouted because he knew that Tony stood outside the door. The door opened and Tony popped his head in. “Can you explain to Dr. Andrews that Ryan Kane is real?” 

“That’s not necessary--”

“My man Philip here is a hero,” Tony said, giving Philip a smile. “And Helen Torrance, the sheriff, put me on duty as his bodyguard in case the man who tried to murder him comes looking for another go. I believe Helen briefed you on this already, doctor.” 

It was then that Philip noticed that the doctor had a needle on her, capped, but it was there all the same. He bristled. 

“She explained that could be the cause of Philip attempting suicide,” Dr. Andrews said. “But no one else saw him, he could have been a figment of - I don’t need to explain myself to you. This is confidential, now if you please--”

“I request not to be left alone with you,” Philip said bluntly. “And if you say he isn’t a parent or guardian I suggest someone call Gabe Caldwell who was ushered out of my room earlier, I’m sure he’s in a waiting room. I’m not talking any more until this happens.” 

“If you don’t calm down I’m going to be forced to sedate you,” Dr. Andrews said, gripping the needle. 

“I’m calm,” Philip said, his voice forced to remain as calm as possible. “Tony, do I sound out of it to you? Do I sound unstable?” 

“No,” Tony said, his hand on his belt for good measure. “And I agree that Philip shouldn’t be left alone.” 

“I’ll be right back,” Dr. Andrews said, exasperated. “You may wait with him.” 

“Thank you kindly,” Tony said, smiling at Dr. Andrews as she left. As soon as the door was closed Tony stepped forward. “This is weird, right? Like, doctor’s don’t usually talk like that.” 

“I think she was going to kill me,” Philip said, shaking. “I think that what she had wasn’t a sedative and Tony I swear to god I’m not being paranoid, okay. Ryan is FBI, do you really think he can’t pull some strings? I need to get out of here. I’m not safe.” 

“Alright, Uh, I gotta call Helen. I don’t even know if I can just take you out of here without like, a court order you know. You need to be released.” 

“Can you at least get me out of these?” Philip asked, tugging at his restraints. “I feel like I’m being arrested.” 

Tony had his phone out as he tried to call Helen as he began to undo Philip’s bound wrists. 

“Helen, hey, I’m with Philip and we both think something’s up with the doctors. They’re acting super sketch and what not. Where are you?”

“Is Lukas okay?” Philip asked, reaching for the phone once his hand was free. “Was I too late?” 

“Philip wants to talk to you,” Tony said as Philip took the phone from him. 

“Helen,” Philip said, his voice cracking. “Is Lukas alive?” 

“As of right now, yes,” Helen said, her voice strained. “What is Tony talking about with the doctors?” 

“I don’t trust them and they have me restrained and the doctor they sent to give me the evaluation insinuated that I was either lying about Ryan making me--” 

The door opened and Dr. Andrews came in with three nurses. 

“Helen, I don’t think I’m safe here,” Philip said quickly. 

“We’re going to give Philip something until he can be more cooperative,” Dr. Andrews said. 

“Where is Gabe?” Philip asked. Tony stood between him and the nurses if they were actually nurses. Somehow, Philip doubted it. “I asked for my guardian to be present for anything else.” Philip hit speaker on Tony’s phone. “I have the sheriff on speaker phone so if you’d like to explain to her why you think me, right now, needs to be sedated by all means please do.”

“You have no authority to touch my son,” Helen said, her voice booming across the room. “If you so much stick him with a finger prick you’ll be going to court.” 

Tony undid the last restraint, freeing Philip. 

“We’d like Philip’s release forms, please,” Tony suggested as Philip stood up. “He’s going into protective custody and we’ve deemed this hospital unsafe.” 

“This is a real life-threatening situation,” Helen stated. “And the fact that you denied his guardian, Gabe Caldwell, to be near him and threatened to sedate him when he doesn’t need it makes me wonder what is actually going on here.” 

Tony put himself between Philip and the nurses as guns were drawn. Philip covered his ears with his hands because he didn’t know what else to do, but he did know that nurses didn’t usually carry guns with them. They wouldn’t give a rat’s ass about ethics and patient confidentiality and minor’s rights and guardianship laws. 

“One gun against three,” one of the nurses said. “Put it down.” 

“Two guns against three and more on the way,” Gabe said from the doorway, his gun pointed at Dr. Andrews’ head. “I suggest you stand down.” The hospital security, the real hospital security, showed up moments later. There was no gunfire as they were cuffed, all of them, and Philip sat on the ground, his hands in his lap as he tried to breathe. Ryan wasn’t acting alone, which meant Lukas wasn’t safe, and neither was Helen. Tony’s phone was on the ground beside him, but not for long as Gabe picked it up to talk to Helen. Everything sounded like white noises to Philip as he bent forward, his eyes shut as Tony tried to talk to him. 

“Come on, buddy. Let’s get you into a wheelchair and get you out of here.” 

By the time Philip sat in his wheelchair, the real doctor showed up, looking distraught not only that someone posed as them, but that Philip almost died. 

“I’m so sorry,” they stated. “I was told to go to a completely different floor but Philip wasn’t in his room. We had no idea.” 

“It’s okay,” Gabe said, his voice gravely. Philip couldn’t concentrate as Gabe talked with the doctor about the situation, how Gabe and Tony were taking Philip from the hospital, despite having the security detail they didn’t feel like it was a safe place. After a short interview, the real Dr. Andrews released Philip. He still had to be wheeled out of the hospital, put in the back of Tony’s cop car, and driven off like he was some sort of criminal. Back in his own clothes, though, Philip felt disoriented as he looked down at his bandaged wrists. 

He couldn’t fathom the fact that earlier that morning, that very same morning, he and Lukas had been so happy together. 

“Where are we going?” Philip asked. 

“A safe house,” Gabe said from the front seat, beside Tony. “Helen is going to meet us there with Lukas and his father.” 

“She has them?” Philip asked. 

“She does,” Gabe said with a smile. “Lukas wasn’t happy about missing his event, but when she told him what happened he complied.” 

Philip was silent for the whole ride until they turned down an old dirt road without a road sign. 

“Where is this place?” Philip asked. 

“My family’s old cabin,” Tony said with a grin. “It’s a hunting cabin, nowhere near the Waldenbeck’s. It’s off the grid.”

“Off the grid like no electricity?” Philip asked. 

“Exactly,” Tony said, drumming his fingers against the steering wheel as they drove along the bumpy road. When the cabin came into view, another car was already there. Helen waited outside, her hand on the gun at her hip as they approached. As soon as Philip was let out of the car, he ran up to her, hugging her tight. She hugged him back, letting out a choked sob as she looked him over. 

“I’m so glad you’re okay,” she said, her hands on his cheeks. “You had me worried there.” 

“You had me worried, too,” Philip admitted, his eyes trailing over the door to the house where Lukas stood, white as a ghost as he hovered nearby. “Lukas,” Philip whispered. He looked at Bo, behind him, and wondered if he was allowed to hug Lukas or not. Lukas didn’t give him time to react as he stepped forward, wrapping his arms around Philip, squeezing him tight. 

“Oh my god, Philip,” Lukas said, his voice wavering. “You almost died, for real.” 

“Yeah,” Philip said, clutching at Lukas’ shirt. “But you’re okay.”

Lukas broke the hug to look at Philip’s wrists. “You--” Tears ran down Lukas’ face as he looked at Philip and then at his father. “He almost died, dad,” Lukas said. “Helen said it was to try to save me.” 

“Something like that,” Philip mumbled. “Did they get Ryan?” Philip asked. “I’m guessing because we’re in the middle of nowhere that they didn’t.”

“Unfortunately, no,” Helen said with a sigh, checking her phone. “I’ve got the US Marshals on their way, along with the complacency of the FBI with the evidence you’ve two brought to the case. He’s officially on the run, but we aren’t putting your lives on the line anymore. You two are staying here until the marshals arrive to take you into protective custody. 

“No,” Philip said, shaking his head. “I don’t want to leave you and Gabe,” he pleaded. “Please.” 

“It’s safest if you go with them. This isn’t witness protection, at least not yet, but if you weren’t safe at the hospital, then--”

“Then you and Gabe aren’t safe either, neither is Bo. Neither is Tony, no one is safe until Ryan is caught,” Philip said. “Don’t send us away with strangers, Helen. Please.” 

“We’ll talk with the US Marshal when they arrive, alright? For now, let’s all get inside and try to get warm. It’s too cold for you to be out here after losing all that blood today. Come on,” Helen said as she brought Philip inside. 

“Did I have a transfusion?” Philip asked. “No one even told me that much.” 

“Yes,” Gabe said. “Luckily we’re the same blood type.” 

“I have your blood?” Philip asked, looking at his wrists, then back at Gabe. Gabe smiled at him, nodding once as he put his arm around Philip. 

-

Philip napped on the sole bed in the cabin, unable to keep his eyes open. The others sat around the kitchen table, playing cards instead of talking about what happened. Philip, a light sleeper, could hear them talking lowly as they played, but was too tired to get up. A while later, he felt someone sit down on the bed beside him. He opened his eyes to see Helen sitting there, looking somber. 

“What is it?” Philip asked. 

“I’m going to go out for a while. The marshal called, they won’t be here tonight, so I’m going with Bo to get some supplies.” 

“Is that smart?” 

“Hey,” Helen said, giving Philip a small smile. “I’m the sheriff. I’ll keep Bo safe.” 

“Who will keep you safe?” Philip asked. 

“I can take care of myself,” Helen said. “I promise.” Philip let out a long, tired sigh. “Do you want anything from the store?” 

“No,” Philip said, sitting up. Lukas hugged his father, then stepped back, looking at the ground as Bo waited for Helen. 

“Stay in the cabin, alright?” Helen said. Philip nodded his head, giving her a reassuring smile. 

Once Helen and Bo were gone, the sound of the car disappearing down the dirt path long gone, Lukas joined Philip on the bed, his hand automatically going in Philip’s. 

“When you didn’t show up with the pass, I knew something wasn’t right,” Lukas said, unable to stop talking. “I looked for you and looked, and then Helen showed up and told me what happened. God, she said that she found you in the bathtub, that you were passed out and--”

“I’m okay,” Philip said, squeezing Lukas’ hand. “I’m alive, and so are you.” 

“I love you, you know?” Lukas said, licking his lips as he looked Philip in the eyes. He didn’t look at Gabe or Tony. Only at Philip. “The thought that you could have been dead made me sick, and I told my dad.” 

“You what?” Philip asked, wide-eyed, his hand in Lukas’ lap, fingers intertwined. 

“I told him, with Helen right there. I told him that I loved you and that we were together. you almost died because of me. He hugged me,” Lukas said, tears in his eyes. “He hugged me and told me he loved me, and that he was glad you were okay. He was like, relieved, you know? That we weren’t fighting for real or that you weren’t bad news.” Philip sat there in shock. “My dad told me that I was lucky to have someone like you.” 

Philip wiped at his eyes with his free hand, because he refused to break his grip in his other hand with Lukas. 

“Can you say it again?” Philip asked. 

“Say what?” 

“Say you love me.” Lukas smiled at Philip, his face streaked with tears as he sniffled. 

“I love you, alright?” Philip laughed at Lukas, then rest his head against Lukas’ shoulder. 

“I love you, too, in case you didn’t know.” 

“I’ve never known that someone could love me enough to die for me,” Lukas whispered against Philip’s hair. “You’re the bravest person I know, Philip.” 

“I don’t feel brave,” Philip said, looking up at Lukas, kissing him lightly on the lips. “But now that you’re here, I think I can be.” 

-

When Helen and Bo returned with food and air mattresses enough for everyone to sleep comfortably, Philip now felt irrevocably self-conscious now that he knew that Bo knew about he and Lukas. He felt Bo’s eyes on him but didn’t get a sense of hatred from him. Instead, it felt more like curiosity. The cabin was only one room, with a large fireplace and makeshift kitchen. The bathroom was an outhouse, and they were using the buddy system: no one pees alone. 

Philip was told he had the bed, along with Lukas. There had been a discussion about Helen and Philip sharing, but in the end, it was decided that the two boys would share because the real bed was the smallest. Despite sharing a bed, Philip and Lukas didn’t so much as touch as they made themselves comfortable. It was weird, sharing one room with so many people and only having an outhouse to use the bathroom in when it was so cold outside. The fire was warm, at least, and Philip found himself drifting off easily when sharing a bed. 

He bolted upright at the sound of a gunshot. Panicking, he reached across the bed for Lukas, who jolted awake as well. The room was dim, the fire having gone down in the night. At the window was Helen, gun poised. The window’s glass was shattered in one of the panes from the bullet that shot through it, and somehow Philip knew it was over. 

Tony was beside Helen in seconds, then the two of them were out the door. Philip got out of bed, standing with Gabe and Bo by the door. 

“Tony set up an alarm system,” Gabe said. “He saw it on The Walking Dead, apparently.” 

“Tin cans?” Philip asked. 

“Yeah,” Bo spoke softly. “Bastard thought he could sneak up on us.” Bo’s hand on Philip’s shoulder felt like a hug. “It’s over now, boys.” Philip hadn’t even known that Lukas had stood beside him, but there he was, his chest at Philip’s back. “I don’t want either of you going out there and looking. Some things you boys just don’t need to see. You’ve seen enough death lately.” 

“I won’t,” Lukas said hollowly. “I don’t ever want to see a dead body again.” 

“Same,” Philip said, rubbing at his bandages. “Gabe, do you have a first aid kit here? I think I need to change these.” 

“I think Tony said something about there being one here,” Gabe said, giving Philip a reassuring smile. “Why don’t you boys sit at the table and we will make some tea and I’ll take care of your wrists. I doubt any of us will be getting back to sleep any time soon, back-up is coming. 

Bo joined them at the table as Gabe cut Philip’s bandages off. 

“Philip, I want to apologize for how I acted,” Bo said, looking at him gravely. Philip swallowed. “I’m ashamed with how I treated you before.” 

“It’s okay, Sir,” Philip mumbled, finding it hard to keep eye contact. “You didn’t know, and sometimes I feel like I’m the person you thought I was.” 

“You are nothing like the hooligan I thought you were, and if you were a soldier, you’d have a commendation for what you’ve done for my boy.” Philip felt himself turning red at the thought. “I’m proud of you, son.” 

“Thank you,” Philip said as his eyes went from Bo to his wrists, the cuts red and the blood around them dry. Gabe wiped them with an alcohol swab, then let Philip get a closer look. Lukas, too, seemed interested in the wounds. 

“You boys have gone through shit together, and that’s a bond I can understand,” Bo said. “Once you go through something traumatic like this with someone, you’ve got that bond for life. Not everyone wants it because it can haunt you for the rest of your life, but I think you boys will be just fine as long as you have each other.” 

“Thanks, dad,” Lukas said, taking a deep breath. “I’m lucky to have Philip by my side.” Philip tried not to let his emotions bubble to the surface but remembering that Ryan’s dead body lay outside sent everything crashing down around him. 

“Gabe, I wanna live with you and Helen,” Philip said. “After my mom gets out of rehab.” 

“If you want,” Gabe said, wrapping Philip’s wrists carefully, tenderly. “We’d love to have you stay with us.” 

“She called me her son,” Philip said, his lip trembling. “Helen said it at the hospital.” 

“She did,” Gabe said with a smile. 

“I want to stay with you because… because I think it would be better for me. Once I have visitation with my mom that would be nice, but I don’t want to live there anymore. I like being here.” 

“I’m sure that can be arranged,” Gabe said, patting Philip’s hand. “We don’t need to make any decisions tonight, though. But I’m sure Helen would be excited to hear that’s what you want.” 

“I’ll be excited for what?” Helen asked as she walked into the cabin. 

“We were just discussing - well, Philip, why don’t you tell Helen?”

“We were talking about how I wanted to stay with you guys, after everything.” 

“Oh,” Helen said, not expecting that. “That sounds wonderful,” she said, stepping forward. Philip stood up so he could give her a hug. When he was done, he hugged Gabe. Then Lukas took his hand and squeezed it. Philip’s heart soared. 

“What’s the verdict?” Gabe asked. “Are we free to go? Staying for questioning?” 

“I think Tony should take you four home. I know where to find you for questioning,” Helen said. 

“Do you need anything? Coffee?” Gabe asked Helen. 

“Tony can pick us up some on the way back,” Helen said with a grin. 

“Yes Tony can,” Tony said with a wink. Gabe kissed Helen on the forehead. 

“I’m proud of you,” Gabe told Helen. “You did it.” 

“I did,” Helen said, taking a deep breath and letting it out. “I’m glad the only casualty - of our group was Ryan. I wish I could have stopped him sooner.” 

“At least it’s over, now,” Philip said because it was true. 

EPILOGUE

Philip hugged his mother as the court was adjourned. Because she’d gotten clean, gotten a job, and moved out of their old apartment, she was granted visitation rights once more. It took her a year, but she did it. She still had group to go to that was court ordered, but she told Philip that she looked forward to the meetings. 

“Oh, baby, I’m so excited to tell you everything. I feel like a new person, and I hope you’re proud of me.” 

“I’m so proud of you, mom,” Philip said with a huge smile as they held hands as they walked towards the rest of the group. Anne walked forward, hugging Helen and Gabe. 

“I don’t know how I can ever repay you,” she said. “Taking care of my baby, for getting me clean,” she said with a happy sigh. “For giving me another chance to live.” 

“We want what’s best for Philip, and for you,” Gabe said, his arm around Helen. Philip grinned as Lukas put his arm around Philip’s shoulders, mirroring Gabe and Helen. Philip turned to look at him, kissing Lukas on the cheek. Lukas rolled his eyes, then returned it as their fingers linked together. 

“So, a late lunch?” Gabe asked. “Where should we eat?” 

“Pizza,” Philip said, laughing. “Please, for the love of god, New York pizza; real pizza.” 

“Yes, please,” Helen said, shaking Gabe. “Real pizza.” 

“Fine, fine. Twist my arm why don’t you.” 

The five of them walked down the street, together. For the first time, Philip’s entire family was together, and he couldn’t wait for it to become a regular occurrence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In reference to the added tags SUICIDE, ASSISTED SUICIDE, MANIPULATION: Philip is forced to attempt suicide by Ryan, via cutting himself and getting into a bathtub via GUN POINT. Please heed this warning, and do not read if you consider this triggering to yourself.


End file.
